The president has a bastard son, Kolya, whom he takes with him everywhere. The boy is about 11 years old now. Ever since he was little, he has always been seen with the dictator, often wearing the same clothes as him, mini-me style. When there are meetings with military men, the president makes them salute the boy. Rumor goes that one time, when they were flying, Kolya wanted to close the door of the plane himself. He was told this was forbidden by a stewardess, and he bit her hand and shouted that he'd have her shot when he becomes a minister. He follows Lukashenko on state occasions, and was given a golden gun by then-Russian-President Medvedev as a present. He's never stopped wearing it since:
"Wouldn't a steel gun work better?"
"Yes, but it would also feel less evil."
There's no way this junior Bond villain in training taking over a whole country is going to end well.
The Situation Looks Bleak
VIKTOR DRACHEV/AFP/Getty Images
Remember when a ragtag group of Ukrainian protesters succeeded in kicking their dictatorial "president" out of their country?
Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Ah, that little 2014 kerfuffle.
Yeah, that's probably not going to happen here. And if it does, just look at the shit Ukraine has had to deal with in the wake of their revolution. Rebuilding will take a terrible toll in lives and time. And there's no guarantee that what replaces the current government won't wind up being even worse. Remember when a bunch of Russian peasants overthrew their tyrannical Tsars, only to wind up with this oppressive mustache?
Maybe all inaugurations should be presided over by a barber wielding a straight razor.
Ukraine had their evil president for four years. Lukashenko has been in power for more than 20. The people here are so used to him that they don't even think getting rid of him will make things better. Assuming The Boy With The Golden Gun takes power, they would, of course, be correct.
I'm not sure I'll live long enough to see this country rise from its own ashes. I want my kids to have a bright future, and achieving that probably means doing everything I can to get them out of here. I know that no country is ideal. But having drawbacks is one thing, and having no advantages is a whole different matter.
Robert Evans runs the Personal Experience section of Cracked, and he also tweets.
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