5 Ways Life Is Different When You Want To F*#k Animals
You have the Internet, so you're probably keenly aware of most every perversion, no matter how much money you would give to forget it all. So you know that there are people in this world who find animals sexually attractive. That particular kink predates the Internet, of course. Check out this ancient sandstone sculpture from India:
Even ancient Hindus were pretty generous with the wang depictions.
Cracked wanted to know what the hell, guys? So we interviewed four self-professed zoophiles: Tom, Jake, Sarah, and Jim. Here's what we learned:
It's Not JUST About Having Sex With Animals
Tom is the source who first reached out to us. He's not shy about his interests, and he's also got a pretty specific "type": "I am sexually attracted to animals. Specifically, large dogs like German shepherds and borzois."
So even the zoo world has size queens.
Despite his attraction, Tom believes that non-human animals aren't capable of consenting to sex with a human being: "I haven't ever had sex with an animal, and I don't plan to, because I believe that animals can't give meaningful consent."
One of our other sources, Jim, apparently obtained consent through a series of barks -- he had his first sexual experience with an animal at "age 13, with one of my family's dogs, a male labrador retriever." He still maintains ongoing sexual relationships with other animals.
There are others who don't have any ethical problem with the idea of having sex with an animal, but their problems are more practical in nature. Our source Jake has an unrequited attraction to snakes:
"That's right, though I wouldn't ever do anything sexual with a reptile. Even if they could consent, their anatomy is so different and not really compatible with ours; the chances of harm to the animal are very high. I don't think it's something people should risk."
Plus, there's just no way snake fellatio ends well.
There Are Huge Debates Around Consent
Nobody wants to be known as a rapist, except for ... unrepentant rapists, we guess? It's generally recognized as a bad thing, though, hence this equal parts hilarious and horrifying debate between Internet zoophiles and pedophiles over whether their respective sexual preferences are capable of consenting.
In a kitty vs. kiddie debate, there are no winners.
The basic argument is that, while children are incapable of stopping an adult from sexing them, horses can kick people to death if they don't want to fuck. Ergo, if the horse doesn't kick you to death, it's totally down for lovemaking.
We can all agree that argument is horseshit right?* (*Pun intended, but not at all a mark of pride.) None of our sources who considered human-on-animal sex acceptable made this stupid, stupid argument. Here's how Jim explained his reasoning:
"While animals cannot consent on the same level as humans (verbally), I do believe it is possible to read their body language with enough accuracy to determine what they are feeling. Maybe not with all species ... but the ones we are most familiar with, at least. For example, many pet owners claim to know their dog's likes and dislikes in regard to food, toys, etc."
Our other sources expressed similar opinions, that consent could be inferred from an animal's body language. Jake took things a step into conspiracy territory: "I think most mammals can consent to sex. I think we as a culture are so used to ignoring/suppressing the fact that animals are inherently sexual; it's not an idea that many people are open to thinking about."
No, we're totally, totally not! But the myriad, deeply weird ways in which human beings use animals do raise some legitimately troubling ethical questions. Tom pointed out: "We use animals for a number of uses with little to no regard for if the animal would want that or not."
There's actually a zoophilia activist Twitter account, dedicated to making this exact argument ad nauseam.
What a classy choice of profile picture.
Of course, that might all be moot, since fucking animals is illegal in the vast majority of the United States anyway. Wait, "vast majority" -- so it's legal in some places? Yep: Mother Jones put together this handy map:
In fairness, Florida banned bestiality in 2011. After three attempts.
Even Among Dog-Fuckers, There Are Things That Are Frowned Upon
Dogs seem to be the, uh, dominant preference among our sources. But all dogs aren't created equally sexy. The features our source Tom found most attractive were "narrow faces, nice cheekbones, and beautiful smiles -- pretty much what someone would say they like in people." Although he also added he found "large sheaths and fluffy balls" hot, which is ... less likely to show up on somebody's Tinder profile.
"If your owner listened to Bob Barker, don't bother swiping right."
Don't worry though, dog owners -- just like you don't go around feeling up every attractive person you pass on the street, Tom keeps his interest to himself:
"When I interact with a dog I find attractive, well, you probably wouldn't guess I'm anything more than a typical dog-person. I kneel down, scratch his ears, and play with him. I might hold him a little closer or make more excuses to be around him and play with him, but in all honesty I'm likely to do that even for a dog I don't think is a sexy beast."
"Whosh a good butterface? Yesh, you are! Yous a good widdle bwown bagger."
There's another major debate within the zoophile community over what Tom called "fence-hopping," which is an innocuous way of saying "sneaking into someone else's property and fucking their animals." This is one of those slippery-slope moments for the folks who believe animals can consent to sex: "After all, if you believe animals can consent, why does the opinion of a third-party human matter?"
Plenty of zoophiles in that thread describe fence-hopping as "sadistic" and "rape," and we'd like to point out that none of our sources endorsed this behavior, but it also has its defenders, and here's how their arguments look:
"When one regards the animal as an independent individual, then why would an owner care about with whom his animal interacts with? Isn't it so that the animal is mature enough to decide what he/she wants and with whom? Why would an owner -- who keeps this honorable animal as slave -- care? Keep your hands off my slave; it has to function and when it doesn't, it will be beaten until it does!?"
We're sure descendants of actual slaves are just thrilled to be lumped into this debate.
But as obviously screwy as that reasoning is, the zoophiles who believe that animals can consent to sex feel justified in their actions because, in their mind, that animal showed attraction right back at them. Jim, as mentioned above, believes that animals show clear signs of sexual interest in people and recognizing it is a logical extension of knowing what dogs like and don't like in general:
"So why is it suddenly impossible to know what they like and dislike when it comes to sex (something that is a completely natural and normal process)? Seems like a double standard to me."
And if that argument is starting to make a whole lot of sense to you, don't worry: You're not alone. But then again, do worry, because you apparently want to fuck animals.
The Attraction To Animals Starts Early
Jim first realized he was into dogs "during puberty, at the same time I became attracted to other humans." His first sexual experience came at the age of 13, with the family labrador.
They both had blue balls.
Initially, his interest in animals was "primarily a sexual attraction," but as he grew older, he also "developed the emotional attraction." We guess we could call what Jim does ... dog-lovin'.
The story was pretty much the same for Jake: At age 12 he developed "romantic feelings" for one of his pets. Our source Sarah was the only late-bloomer: She considers her zoophilia to be more of a "minor kink" and didn't realize it was something she was into until age 18. Based on the limited statistics we have, Sarah is a definite outlier. One of the few polls of zoophiles that exists found that more than half report being more attracted to animals than human beings and for most, including Tom, it goes back to puberty or further:
"I've been this way as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I connected more to animals than to humans and found them to be better-looking. ... It's hard to say exactly when I became aware of it. It seemed to have developed from a very young age for me. As a child, I was always more interested in animals than humans; most of my toys were animals; most of my books were about them. The human-shaped dolls I had would be set aside for their clothing and accessories to be used by my animal toys. ... The first sex dream I ever had was of gay horses after watching a documentary on them."
Apparently missing the part where the horses were only gay with each other.
Puberty is a confusing time even for those of us with totally mainstream sexual interests. For a kid with a preference as unacceptable as zoophilia, it's pretty much "fuck you and the horse you rode in on."
Or, actually, maybe you're good. The horse, on the other hand ...
Relationships With Animals Are Very Complicated
Tom doesn't have sex with animals, and he told us, "Most of my canine crushes are more emotional and aesthetic since they usually involve neutered dogs." Jim does have sex with animals, and he expressed basically the same thing: "I currently have two dogs, a male and a female. I consider them my significant others, and I love them to the same degree I would a human partner. Sex is only a small part of our relationship."
"That's the big difference between someone who is a zoophile/zoosexual and someone who, say, just has a fetish for having sex with animals," Jake says. "We're romantically and emotionally attracted to animals as well. I'm in a relationship with an animal that isn't sexual at all, just romantic."
An arrangement we're certain the dog has absolutely no problem with.
Most of us would just call that "having a pet," but whatever. Being in a romantic relationship with an animal, sexual or not, carries a whole load of its own complications. Tom says, "You're also at the mercy of your housing situation, even if you own the dog in question. Good luck explaining to your landlord that this dog should be allowed to move in with you because he's your boyfriend."
And even if they do allow it, imagine the pet deposits ...
Robert Evans isn't into animals that way, but he IS into Twitter that way.
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