Wayne was caught in June and convicted in December. He kept working during that six-month period, although he was moved to "a lot of bullshit cleaning details, like raking leaves or cleaning offices." He even went on a mission to Romania, where he ran phone and data lines, despite technically having his security clearance revoked.
Then he went to military prison -- which, despite what pop culture tells us, turned out to not be a supermax facility with turrets mounted on the walls and a minefield in the yard. It was more like Boot Camp 2: Booted Out. They'd wake up, do some work, do some cleaning, and enjoy some downtime. Even the guards were laidback; they were from Wayne's unit, they'd worked alongside him, and they liked him. The only oddity was that prisoners were banned from saluting, because then a guard would have to return the salute, and disgraced prisoners don't deserve that honor. (Why the guards couldn't ignore the salute is unclear; maybe it would just look stupid.)
Kent Nishimura/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"You guys get nothing but probationary fist bumps. Maybe high-fives with good behavior."
Wayne saw two minor fights over basketball and a game of spades (presumably, the fight was about a partner bidding nil with an ace like some kinda chump). There were no gangs or racial tensions; it was just a bunch of soldiers trying to get through their latest posting together. Even the escape attempts were disappointingly lame. Wayne watched one inmate simply sneak out when a guard's back was turned, but he was caught a mile down the road and had 18 months added to his 45-day sentence. Cracked Legal Tip: Wait the 45 days out. It's 45 goddamn days.
Jail's A Great Place To Learn More About Drugs
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The most common offenses in Wayne's prison involved drugs, so the prison offered a rehab class on drug abuse. Hey, guess what happens when you get a bunch of people with a variety of drug knowledge together and tell them to "share"?
"Hi, my name's Kevin, and I'm an addict."
"Hi, Kevin! ... Want to learn the most cost-effective way to cut cocaine?"
Wayne quotes Johnny Depp in Blow: "I went in with a Bachelor's in marijuana, came out with a Doctorate in cocaine." He got an education on how to sell drugs more effectively, even though he didn't try for one -- people just liked sharing their knowledge, because it's the talkative drug dealers who tend to get caught. One guy even told him how to cook meth, and offered to write the recipe down. Wayne politely declined, because he enjoys having teeth and skin.
Matsuyama University Library Archives
The first man to cook meth is now dead. True story.
By the time Wayne was released, he had a whole new outlook on life. Or as he puts it: "After making a mistake, even if you're trying to stop doing the thing that got you arrested, wouldn't you try to refine your methods a little bit to keep from getting caught again?
That's why, fresh out of military prison, Wayne perfected a new method of LSD smuggling, one with less risk and more profit. He has no plans of putting it into practice, but as we found out when we talked to him about life after prison, it sure is tempting ...
Ryan Menezes is an editor and interviewer here at Cracked. Follow him on Twitter for stuff cut from articles and other things no one should see.
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