It's not much to ask of people not to grow poop mountains, but at least it's clear what they're doing, if not why. In some situations, you don't even want to know:

"There was a guy who was really reclusive and just kind of weird ... He had dug a dent mark in his forehead and painted blood streaks around it to make it look like he was shot in the forehead," remembers Nicole. "He was eventually arrested, and, when the maintenance supervisor went into his apartment, nailed inside his door was a crucifix that had a bat corpse nailed to it."

Well come on, Nicole, that one's obvious -- you were renting your apartment to Deadshot.

Warner Brothers Pictures
He never misses a shot, though he's sure going to miss that security deposit.

"We can't do anything about people skipping out," Marie says.

Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images
"SWEET FREE-"

"You can explain to them the legal repercussions, but you can't stop them."

4774344sean/iStock/Getty Images
"-dom?"

Since most people don't know that, "most of the skippers would just quietly slink away into the night," Marie says. "Most of the time, we don't bother and just let them leave. It's easier to send them the bill later ... They use the stairwell to move even huge furniture, so we won't know they're skipping. Honestly, we would have rather they use the elevator instead of potentially damage the building or themselves -- we would rather you go out the front door than sneak out the back."

Hey, speaking of back doors ...

Then, there was Captain Porn. "Someone started leaving DVDs of burnt porn movies here and there in the building, sticking them to elevator doors and walls, apartment doors, etc.," Marie says. "We have no idea who Captain Porn was." Hopefully, he's still out there, spreading the love like Johnny Appleskeet, because it's important to have a purpose in life.

Peter Gudella/Hemera/Getty Images
He's the hero our sexy parts deserve, but not the one we need. Because we have YouPorn.

There was also boning everywhere. Not just in people's apartments -- there was one couple who gave the term "breaking and entering" a whole new meaning. "We did have a couple who liked to sneak into other tenants' unlocked apartments to have sex there," Marie says. "And, of course, sex in the lobby, the balcony, the pool, the elevator, the roof ... basically, no one is having sex in their own homes."

They probably would have gotten away with it if they didn't blast that damn Aerosmith song every time.

We would say "get a room," but ...

Tenants are people, and people are assholes. "We suspect someone used to put dried spaghetti in the door locks of his neighbors to keep them locked out," adds Marie. "We found dried spaghetti in several people's door locks on the same floor. He was known for being a big grouch who was always complaining about his neighbors, especially one guy who used to prop open his door when he cooked. Spaghetti Guy hated that."

ugurv/iStock/Getty Images
"Decadent, mouthwatering aromas? Not on my watch, asshole."

"We had two young women who had moved in the building at the same time," she continues. "They were BFFs, but, for whatever reason, they had huge fights and started hating each other ... One had apparently threatened to break into the other's apartment once a day and break exactly one of her dishes. Every day. The threatened girl asked us to give her a new lock, which we did, and then asked us to install locks on her cupboards to protect her dishes. She ended up locking them in her bedroom. They were both about mid-20s, but they would burst into the office wailing like toddlers and screaming over each other. 'SHE SAID BUT IT'S NOT TRUE AND SHE'S MEAN AND MY DI-I-I-ISHES!'"

Martin Poole/Digital Vision/Getty Images
How have we not revised the Geneva Conventions to ban this bit of Scorched Earth?

"Then, there was a middle-aged woman who started feuding with one of her neighbors over a parking space. She started leaving frowny faces in condiments on his apartment door -- one day ketchup, one day mustard, one day mayonnaise. She kept denying it was her, saying we couldn't prove it. One day, finally, a tenant saw her doing it and turned her in."

Timur Arbaev/iStock/Getty Images, ekinyalgin/iStock/Getty Images
The Guggenheim immediately bought the door for $50 million.

Sure, she says she was just trying to augment the natural flavors of his door, but that's not going to hold up in court.