Abortion On Request: 5 Facts Of Life As A Surrogate Mom

This is a huge point of contention, which is why it must be agreed upon in the contract before the partnership commences (yes, there is a contract -- you'll be hearing more about it in a moment). The couple I worked with wanted twin boys, and luckily that's what they ended up with, because I said I wouldn't selectively reduce for any reason other than health risks to me or the babies. Since some of those risks can be caused by genetic abnormalities, I agreed to undergo genetic testing early in the pregnancy, which became quite literally a sticking point. They wanted to do an amniocentesis, which is a horrifying process involving jamming a needle into your belly and extracting amniotic fluid for testing (it also happens to present a higher risk for miscarriage and other issues). In the end, we agreed upon a less risky procedure.

And, as messy as those disagreements can be, now add in the fact that no state really enforces the surrogacy contracts and that paid surrogacy is illegal in many states. That means that, contract or no, parents can refuse to take custody of a "defective" baby under the "you birthed it, you bought it" statute, so you might end up going home with someone you didn't intend to, which rarely works out well. There have also been problems with surrogates who decided they wanted to keep the baby after it was born, and there's no legal way of stopping them. To prevent any of that awfulness from happening, they do the DNA test right there in the hospital to legally declare that it is the couple's genetic child.

Jochen Sand/Photodisc/Getty Images
"For the last time, Mr. Povich, we're not hiring."

All of this is why surrogacy involves a shitload of preparation beforehand. For instance ...

They even ask for pictures -- not just of you but your whole family (most surrogates have their own children already). The pictures are basically to prove that you are who you say you are, but I suspect they wanna preview the factory's output, because you also have to include every little detail about your history of birthin' babies. They need to make sure the equipment they're renting is in good working condition, after all.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Near-mint condition, only opened twice, slight tear in the corner.

The difference for the surrogate is you don't get to browse for couples. You don't get to know anything about anyone until someone chooses you, at which point you find out basic information like their age and location, and if you agree to consider working with them, they send you a full profile. That profile is still much less extensive, including only a few photos, a letter from each partner about why they want to use a surrogate, and a joint letter about what they expect from their "carrier" (yes, that's the word they use, and yes, it did make me feel a little like Catherine McCormack in 28 Weeks Later).

20th Century Fox
I didn't kiss anyone for months, just in case.

Then you have a phone conference, then you meet with them, and then begins the endless back-and-forth with the contract. This is where you learn that ...

And every little thing that the parents decide you are and aren't allowed or required to do during your pregnancy goes in the contract. Sometimes it gets oddly specific. I'm in the middle of my second surrogate pregnancy now, and they insist that I have to eat strawberries and peanuts three days a week, supposedly because it reduces the risk of allergies to those things for the child.

I know, I know -- poor me, I'm forced to eat delicious snacks. But parents can get so frantic about every little thing. The last couple was like, "We really want you to not drink soda." You might as well tell me I can't drink water. I had headaches, so we decided that I could have one soda a day, because I was like, "I have to have some kind of caffeine."

al62/iStock/Getty Images
Seriously, "baby kicks or caffeine shakes" is not a game I need to be playing.

That's all pretty reasonable -- it's their baby, after all -- but it does suck for the incubator. Sometimes, it's more serious things that you might not have anticipated and been able to agree upon beforehand. Toward the end, when I was pregnant with the twins, my blood pressure was starting to rise, and one of the babies kept flipping butt-down. We were discussing vaginal delivery options, but the mom just said, "Let's just do a C-section," which you'll recognize as major fucking surgery. That shit is not fun to recover from. But that's my problem, after all, not theirs.

That sounds awful nice of them, but there are less altruistic concerns, too. Parents and agencies want you to have enough money set aside to support yourself if you have to go on bed rest during your pregnancy, because they don't want you asking for more money or asking for your money early. You can bet that's written into your contract.

It was awkward at first, but it got better. We started watching TV, daytime soap operas and stuff like that. That helped a little, watching drama that was not ours, but it got a little more tense later when we were talking about who would go with me if I had to have a C-section. I said I just wanted my support person there, but, in my state, we're only allowed to have one person in the room. The mom said, "You don't want me there when my children are born?" and I was like, "They're going to bring them to you right away, and you're not going to be there afterward supporting me, and I don't want to be there by myself."

It was really heated until the husband went out to talk to the wife and they came back and said they understood and apologized. Luckily, it didn't even end up being a problem -- the whole thing went as smooth as a process that ends with two people sliding out of me possibly could.

Dirk Ott/iStock/Getty Images
My screams fill their dreams. And they find it hilarious.

Even with all this weird conflict and mountains of paperwork, I have no regrets about my decision. After all, I'm carrying someone else's baby again right now. Unless I've come down with Mommy Brain and misremembered the whole thing, in which case I've made a huge mistake.

For more insider perspectives, check out 6 Insane Things You Learn When Your College Goes Bankrupt and 7 Things You Learn As A Straight Guy Who's A Crossdresser.

Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.

Have a story to share with Cracked? Email us here.