We think we have a rough idea of how porn movies work: actors shoot dozens of films a week, everyone's on drugs all the time, this music plays constantly, etc. We've gone deeper (giggle) into the world of porn with this piece about life as a male porn star. But that man was controlling the dick -- who controls the man who controls the dick? Some questions need answers. So we sat down with "Reno Nevada," a man who found himself thrown unwittingly into the role of porn director several years ago. Here's what he learned making his first (and only) filmic masturbatory aid:

On Picking Your Porn Names

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Nirian/iStock/Getty Images

I actually began my career as a documentary filmmaker. I was lying in bed when I got a call from a record producer I knew. He said, "Hey, I just invested in a porno, and I need somebody I trust to watch over it for me ... would you be interested?"

I asked how much. "$1500 a day, plus we'll fly you out first class and give you $100 per diem."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Nikolay Trubnikov/iStock/Getty Images
"Plus, all-you-can-eat tacos!"
"... For lunch, right?"


Documentary journalism doesn't pay much, and three days at that salary meant a lot to me. I asked my fiance, "Is it OK if I produce a porno?" She said, "Hell yes." That's when I knew I was marrying the right woman.

I decided to bring my own audio guy, Scott. He was a friend I'd come up in the business with. His only stipulation was that he be allowed to make his own porn name.

He chose Scott Baiowulf.

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Wikipedia
"You can be Grundle's Mother."



We flew to LA, and were told we had to meet a French filmmaker and a woman named Nikita Denise, who was starring in the film. I can't remember the French dude's actual name, but he'd recently done an unsuccessful movie with a famous rapper. He wanted to recoup his losses, so he was a co-investor. I also think he was fucking Nikita.

Together we took a ride to the studio, located in the Valley. It was on the corner of Rosco and De Soto, and the French guy suddenly said, "Call me Rosco Desoto." That was his porn name.

Sometimes You Have to Watch Your Wife Get Anal From a Stranger

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
MSPhotographic/iStock/Getty Images

We got to the studio and there was, of course, a Kid-Rock-looking guy sitting at an editing bay reviewing footage of a girl getting double teamed. No surprise there. Then we slowly realized he was editing video of the girl in the room with us, Nicki Hunter. They introduced themselves as the owners of the studio. The guy editing the movie was Nicki's husband.

The husband gave us a tour, and at the end of the trip he said, "Do you have any questions?"

Scott was a little naive. He raised his hand. "I got a question."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Monkey Business Images Ltd/Monkey Business/Getty
"A couple, in fact. Like 30."



The guy knew what was coming. "You're wondering about me and my wife?"

"Don't you get jealous?"

"No, not at all. It's just acting."

We got back into the SUV with the French guy, who remarked, "I saw that guy's dick in her ass! That was not acting!"

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Design Pics/Design Pics/Getty Images
"You've never heard of method anal?"



Who Writes Those Terrible Scripts? Answer: Nobody.

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
AlexRaths/iStock/Getty Images

I thought my friend only wanted me to babysit the production. But when I got there they said, "Oh, you're the director."

"O...K... I can do that, I guess. Where's the script?"

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
wwing/E+/Getty Images
"It's based on one of Tennessee Williams' earlier works."



"What?"

As it turned out, there was no script.

So on the spot, Scott and I came up with the idea of doing a version of Seven, but instead of the seven deadly sins, it'd be the seven sexy sins, because that's how pornography works.

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
New Line Cinema
"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! Oh right, it's my dick."



We started shooting the next day. And by "we," I don't mean "my vast and professional staff." I mean the French guy and I each took a camera, despite neither of us ever working in porn before, while Scott Baiowulf handled audio.

We were thrown right into the deep end, too. Our first scene was "DP." Before we filmed, people kept saying that term, and I had no idea what they were talking about. I thought they meant Director of Photography.

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Ethan Miller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"I can't believe you guys got Daft Punk to cameo in this!"



It does not mean that.

Even if You're Prepared for It to Be Shockingly Graphic, It Is SHOCKINGLY Graphic

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Cristian Gabriel Kerekes/iStock/Getty Images

I'm not a prude or a puritan. I don't find sex shameful or think pornography is evil. But this was explicit and violent. They were smacking each other around -- the girl spat in one of the guy's faces. You're there watching two strange guys fuck a girl right in front of you, while you stand right next to them, holding the camera -- you can't separate yourself from being involved in this. You are part of a gang bang.

I guess they noticed the shell-shocked look on my face. So Kid Rock got in there and started filming for me. I did my best. I started mimicking his camera movements and style, and for a good minute there, I started to get comfortable as I separated myself from the shock. I was getting into that documentary mindset. Then all of a sudden ... the smell. I live in New York City. I've smelled some terrible things. But I have never ever come close to anything like that. It was like dead fish and vomit.

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
photohomepage/iStock/Getty Images
See? Sex Panther does work. Most of the time.



Afterward, I turned to Baiowulf and said, "Cigarette?"

"Yeah."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
da_kon/iStock/Getty Images
"Wait, I need to go shower for 45 minutes first."



Me and Scott started in the business together. And we sat there, not making eye contact. There was just this heaviness in the air. After an hour or five seconds, I don't know which, Scott said:

"I'm glad we did this. But I don't ever have to do this again."

Big Dicks Are Not Always a Blessing

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images

The next day, I met the male lead, Lee Stone. He asked me to describe his scene for him while he oiled his body up.

"We're gonna put sushi on the girl, then you're gonna eat the sushi and fuck her."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
And you thought chopsticks were a pain the ass while sitting quietly in a chair.



While I was going on, he dropped his drawers. The dude had a cock like an elephant's trunk. It unfurled like a flag. I could not stop staring -- I'd never seen anything like it before. All I could say was, "WOW."

"Yeah, thanks."

"Really though, wow."

And then I talked about his cock for a minute and a half. "When did it become that big? Were you a 10-year-old with a 10-inch dick? Do you have to issue damage waivers on dates?" He was totally chill through the whole thing, a very nice dude.

Nikita came up to us: "We have a problem."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
antoni halim/iStock/Getty Images
"No no, don't worry. It's not an albino ball python. Just his dick."



"What?"

"The girl who I wanted to do the scene with ... she will not work with him, because she fucked him in a movie last week and she's still sore."

People whose job is to take giant cocks fear this man's cock.

"Nikita, why don't you do it, it's your movie?"

"Absolutely not. I'm not putting that inside me."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Image Source Pink/Image Source/Getty Images
"I'm right here, guys."



Now I started to feel sorry for this guy, because maybe he can't have normal relationships. All I know is two porn stars can't fuck him.

But then Nicki Hunter said, "I'll do it."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
QxQ IMAGES/Datacraft/imagenavi/Getty Images
"I'm your fuckleberry."



There Can Be Some Weird, Deep Stuff Going On In Your Porn

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
12_Tribes/iStock/Getty Images

Remember that the cameraman for this scene, in which Nicki was to be attacked by a flesh-colored anaconda, was her husband. I realized we were about to see his relationship philosophy in action. Could he truly be cool with watching one of the great penises of the world inside his wife?

Lee Stone and Nicki started fucking.

It was the single hottest thing I have ever witnessed. Watching those two fuck was like watching Shakespeare write. They were genuinely into each other. When it was done, we all knew there had been a moment. When you've been filming things for a while and you capture a moment, you know it. When the scene was finished, there was a pause, a silence in the air, as if a great song had ended and we could still all feel that last note. Everyone started clapping -- we all knew we'd seen something remarkable.

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Brian Spranklen/Taxi/Getty Images
Like Citizen Kane, but with semen.



Lee left for the day, and the crew took a break. Nicki was slowly putting on her clothes, glistening and exhausted. Kid Rock came in and sat down on the seat next to her. The look in his eye was one of the most frightening things I've ever seen in my life. I can only describe it as the look of a man about to plunge a dagger into someone. Which was pretty close -- a second later, he pulled his exhausted wife on top of him and proceeded to jackhammer her as hard as the human pelvis can withstand.

It was loud and fast and with purpose. The rest of us sat there briefly, then, as quietly as we could, all walked away. I don't know how it ended, what they talked about after. But that's what we beheld. It was profound.

Erection-Wrangling Is a Difficult Profession

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
luxiangjian4711/iStock/Getty Images

I was blocking the last scene, when Nikita ran out again: "We have a big problem. The guy is here, but I will not fuck him. I'm not attracted to him."

The scene was two girls and a guy, with both the women competing for the dude until they all (duh) wound up fucking. But the male star we had for this one looked like a goofy caricature of Nic Cage. Which, I don't know, maybe that's your thing. But there was a bigger problem: he couldn't stay hard. Flower, one of the girls in the scene, was sore anyway, and didn't feel comfortable taking a dick right then.

So I said, "OK, you're gonna push store-brand Nic Cage away and go down on Nicki."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
United Artists
"No. It's fine."



The executive producer spoke up: "No, we need the pop."

The "pop" is the money shot. No matter what our three stars actually got up to, we needed a close-up of an ejaculating penis to really cap this whole project. After a lot of fruitless erection-wrangling, Kid Rock said, "I'll stunt cock."

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Yamtono_Sardi/iStock/Getty Images
"Makeup, we need you to draw some more veins so it looks like Nic's."



He called Nicki over, put down the camera, and dropped his jeans, and she started blowing him. He backed up until they were leaning against Baiowulf, who had the boom in his hands and couldn't move. His eyes were as wide as saucers.

And right then, Nik Caige's penis decided to start working. He shouted for us to get over there quickly. We converged on this dude like we were filming the birth of Jesus. Kid Rock stopped what he was doing, bent down, grabbed his camera, and did that little waddle walk with his pants around his ankles to get there. And that's how the three of us, at three different angles, filmed the lamest orgasm in the history of porn.

7 Horrifying Lessons Learned Directing a Porno
Google Images
One-half of Nic Cage's facial expressions are O-faces.



For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Truths About Sexual Fetishes (A Dominatrix's Perspective) and 6 Things Nobody Tells You About Working at Disney World.

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Check out Robert Evans' A Brief History of Vice: How Bad Behavior Built Civilization, a celebration of the brave, drunken pioneers who built our civilization one seemingly bad decision at a time.

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