"Your prostate tumor died--"
"Of colon cancer."
He came back pretty upset at us. And of course my pastor had us turn it around back on him, saying his lack of faith had gotten in the way of our healing. Apparently, miracles work the same way as Kickstarter: If not enough faith rolls in before the cutoff date, you don't get jack.
Surprise! Faith Healers are Also Just Common Thieves
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We brought in a lot of money doing this, because it was such a great show. People would come in to be healed because it was cheaper than going to a doctor, plus they got a little song and dance and a gory magic trick or two. Bonus. Some of those folks were so impressed that they would end up donating huge sums of money.
"I was gonna donate to some medical research charity, but this is so much more direct!"
We took it, obviously. We upgraded the church, making it all high-tech and adding a bigger sanctuary. Everything was going swimmingly until, one day, the pastor left and took the church's entire bankroll with him. The churchgoers blamed me for it at first. The 18-year-old kid. They didn't want to believe their holy leader was nothing more than a sacred Bernie Madoff.
I tried to track the pastor down a few years later. I knew he went to Ohio first. He told our congregation he'd been hired there. Earlier this year, I tried to track him down over there, but he was gone. I found out that he'd gone to Florida, since a church listed him on their website, but that church no longer exists. As best I can figure, David Lion's bled three or four more churches dry since the days when he was my mentor.
Lion...lying, DAMMIT how did we not see that?
There probably aren't many avid faith healing believers reading this article. But if there are, here's a tip: chicken guts are like a buck fifty a pound at your local Korean market, and falling on your ass is completely free.
Related Reading: We've talked to some fascinating folks in the last year, including this foreign aid worker and an honest-to-badness former terrorist. Have a story to share with Cracked? Reach us here.
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