I was on a regimen of about six Oxycontin a day as well as a muscle relaxer in order to manage the pain of recently having six screws, two bolts, and a metal plate shoved inside my arm. I thought I would be fine just bringing my pills and my prescriptions in with me to show that I needed them, and the guards or whoever would dole them out to me as needed during my stay. Imagine my delight when the officer informed me that I wouldn't be getting my medication until they heard from my physician -- who, like most doctors, was not in the office on weekends. I was so fucked that the officer actually said, "Looks like you're kinda fucked."
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"None of you have a future, and you will all die alone. Thus concludes today's motivational speech."
See, when you go to jail, they can't just accept prescriptions and pills that you bring in yourself, because for all they know you forged the scripts and those pills are frozen cocaine coated with super acid. Checking with your doctor and ordering the meds themselves is standard procedure. This sounds fantastic on paper, but it isn't exactly a fast process -- just ask all the people who have died in prison waiting for their medication to be authorized. (You can't actually ask them, because they died.)
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"'Waah, I'm lifeless and can't move or speak, waaah.' God, you corpses are such divas."
The jail where I was staying threw in an additional hurdle requiring me to be physically present when they actually received my doctor's authorization, which was difficult because, as I mentioned, I was in prison only on the weekends, and my doctor was in the office only on weekdays. Sometimes jails have their own doctors who can look you over (who, wouldn't you know it, also don't work on the weekends), but if they decide you don't really need painkillers, you're pretty much stuck with frontier medicine, which is another way of saying "biting nearby objects and screaming into the callous night." Some facilities refuse to dispense narcotics at all, regardless of what any big-city doctors say.
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