Robert Brockway
Robert Brockway is a former senior editor and columnist for Cracked.com. He is the author of the post-apocalyptic horror epic Carrier Wave, the cyberpunk novel Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, the comedic non-fiction essay collection Everything is Going to Kill Everybody, and The Vicious Circuit, a punk rock urban fantasy series from Tor Books. He lives in Tucson, Arizona with his wife Meagan and their three dogs, Detective Martin Riggs, Detective Roger Murtaugh, and Penny (she did not make the force). Find more information about his work on his own site, http://www.robertbrockway.net.
The Horrifying Truth About Facial Remapping Software
Iif you've ever wanted to watch a Spanish man wearing a mockery of Marilyn Monroe's face coyly purse his lips at you, then A) Science has got your back and B) please report to the Ministry of Sexual Terror for chemical castration immediately.
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- By Robert Brockway
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4 Awful Things You Forget About Being Single
My wife and I have had to live apart for a few months for employment reasons, and it has become increasingly apparent that nostalgia is a lying sack of shit.
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- By Robert Brockway
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The Most Baffling Subtitles in Foreign Action Movie History
When I got into foreign action movies as a kid in the '90s, subtitling was a job we gave to alcoholic head trauma victims to make them feel useful to society again. Those jobs, like many, have since moved online.
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15 Old Photographs That Prove the World Used to Be Insane
From those bullshit seatbelt laws to Big Kindergarten trying to tell you which preschools you can and can't take your gun into, it seems like today's nanny nation is intent on making our lives as safe as possible at the expense of any and all excitement. That's not how it used to be, though.
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- By Robert Brockway
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4 Things Science Fiction Needs to Bring Back
Even the best works could stand to learn a little something from the past, so here are a few things that I miss about old science fiction, and would like to see come back.
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- By Robert Brockway
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7 Amazing Video Games We'll Never Get to Play
To any game developers who may be reading: You can take any of the ideas presented in this column, just as long as you don't make another Call of Duty game.
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- By Robert Brockway
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4 Ways to Humiliate Nature Thanks to Old Men's Magazines
Ah, glorious nature! Truly, the great outdoors is where a man belongs: Hunting bears, wrestling bears into submission, making sweet love to your newly conquered bear-wife 'neath the effervescent twinkling of the star's knowing gaze -- the simple pleasures really are the best.
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- By Robert Brockway
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5 Reasons Why Some People Love Cars So Damn Much
I figured I'd give a go at explaining this baffling affection, and maybe shed some light on what makes the box that occasionally takes you to the store something more special.
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- By Robert Brockway
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The 4 Weirdest Lessons '80s Movies Really Wanted to Teach Us
Apparently, no '80s film was complete without a moral message slapping around in your face like a dying fish.
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- By Robert Brockway
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4 Reasons Hollywood Sucks (And It's All Our Fault)
I understand something people don't want to acknowledge: Hollywood sucks. And it's all our fault.
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- By Robert Brockway
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5 Great Joys in Life That Healthy People Never Experience
It's not just the boozing and drugs they have to miss. There are certain pleasures that come with being a sickly person that the able bodied health nuts can never truly understand.
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- By Robert Brockway
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4 Reasons Why the Best Multiplayer Games Are All Broken
I have to admit that some of the most fun I've ever had in gaming was due to multiplayer. It just so happens that every great multiplayer game I've played was completely broken.
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5 Sci-Fi Dystopias We've Actually Created (For Animals)
The far-flung science fiction worlds we've been watching for on the horizon have actually been here all along -- it's just that they're not happening to us. They're happening to the animals.
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- By Robert Brockway
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5 Things Old Magazines Apparently Believed About Women
If we listen to the badass old-timey magazines of our grandparents' generation, we could learn a hell of a lot more than if we listened to them.
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- By Robert Brockway
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The 5 Most Ingenious Worlds Ever Invented by Science Fiction
In no other genre is setting as important as it is in science fiction: No matter how intricate the book's plot, or how chisel-jawed that Hollywood manpile on the movie's poster might be, the universe is always going to be the real star.
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- By Robert Brockway
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4 Insane Things Nobody Tells You About Riding a Motorcycle
Any idiot could figure this out. But I am no ordinary idiot.
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- By Robert Brockway
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The 6 Greatest Video Games We'll Never Get to Play
Every gamer I know is that they all have at least one revolutionary, brilliant, perfect, and heartbreakingly unrealized ‘I Have a Game’ concept: Some untapped property, or some new direction for a sequel that just never got made, but would shake the gaming world to the core if it did.
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- By Robert Brockway
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The 5 Most Badass Man vs. Nature Showdowns Ever Photographed
It's easy to forget how ludicrously terrifying the natural world can be, and how very small we are in the face of it. When confronted with the grand, humbling, massive and occasionally deadly power of our planet, what can one measly little human being do? Run? Cry? Not these people.
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- By Robert Brockway
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The 5 Stages of Revenge Fantasies Every Man Has Had
Apparently, being a man is mostly about involuntary, delusional, immature power fantasies launching at the slightest provocation.
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- By Robert Brockway
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Trying to Stop the World's Greatest Monster: Mario Lopez
Mario Lopez exists. Mario Lopez is among us. Mario Lopez advances. Mario Lopez is a legitimately terrifying sociopath.
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- By Robert Brockway
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