History’s Horniest King

Alfonso XIII of Spain had endless affairs, tons of illegitimate children (in addition to seven with his wife) and a sideline in commissioning pornography for his own private consumption

Authors
By
Published
Comments
Comments 2

Beyond Cocaine Bear: 15 Badass Real-Life Animals Who Deserve Their Own Movie

By:
Beyond Cocaine Bear: 15 Badass Real-Life Animals Who Deserve Their Own Movie

Dear Hollywood, instead of pumping out a 13th installment of Air Bud, we’ve gathered some animals worth celebrating on the big screen. These animals don’t have time to waste shooting hoops, because they’re out there making a difference. Good or bad, they’ve done some wild shit, and we’re here to give the elevator pitch for these legendary biopics. You’re welcome, screenwriters. And hey, if you don’t want them, maybe we’ll join you down at Starbucks and start typing. 

We just got sick of sitting back, and letting Homeward Bound get all the glory. Ooh, they found their way home. Big deal. That movie is based on a true story, so maybe those producers just need to hear these pitches. We’ve got slugs who saved thousands of soldiers in WWI by detecting mustard gas. So, from savior slugs to executioner elephants, there’s no shortage of badass animals who deserve their own movie. Here are those and 13 more. Your move, Hollywood.

Nora The Kitty Pianist

CRACKED THE ANIMAL: Nora the cat copycats her owner's piano playing. THE PITCH: CATATOUILLE In a complete ripoff of Ratatouille, Nora gets better than her owner, pulls strings while in her hat, and WOWS audiences worldwide.

BBC

Cockatoos learn to pick locks.

CRACKED THE ANIMAL: Trained to pick locks, a cockatoo removed a pin, unscrewed a screw, pulled out a bolt, turned a wheel, and slid a latch for a cashew. THE PITCH: COCKATOO'S 11 This Danny Ocean cockatoo then enlists his ragtag cockatoo squad for the motherload of cashews.

Vox

Paul the Octopus predicts the World Cup winner.

CRACKED THE ANIMAL: Paul the octopus was 8 out of 8 in his 2010 World Cup predictions (including Spain to win it all.) THE PITCH: GOODTENTACLES In Paul's movie, he makes the mob millions of dollars and becomes the first ever made octopus.

Sport Star

Slugs saved WWI soldiers by detecting mustard gas.

CRACKED THE ANIMAL: Paul Bartsch discovered that slugs can detect mustard gas, which saved thousands of soldiers. THE PITCH: THE SLUG BRIGADE: SLOW AND STEADY We like to picture a General Patton type slug's impassioned speech to his slug army.

Grunge

Jack the baboon has been workin’ on the railroad. All the livelong day.

CRACKED THE ANIMAL: Double-leg amputee and railway signalman James Wide trained Jack the baboon to operate railway signals so well, Jack actually became a paid railroad employee. THE PITCH: MAKE WAY FOR JACK THE BABOON ENGINEER.

All That's Interesting

The drunk vervet monkeys of St. Kitts.

CRACKED THE ANIMAL: Vervet monkeys were brought to St. Kitts by rum and slave traders 300 years ago, and they constantly steal drinks from tourists. THE PITCH: ANIMAL HOUSE: SPRING BREAK In an Animal House sequel, these literal animals show the frat boys how to boogie down.

YouTube / UNEP 

A heroic Aussie and his donkey.

CRACKED THE ANIMAL: Australian hero John Simpson Kirkpatrick used a small donkey to carry wounded WWI soldiers. THE PITCH: LIL' LUGGER: THE LIL' DONKEY WHO COULD His unnamed donkey's biopic would show his need to help without caring for recognition. Posthumously, he became affectionately known as Lil' Lugger.

AWM

Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter

Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Forgot Password?