That's An E-Burn: 14 Times Roger Ebert Roasted A Movie Into Oblivion
![That's An E-Burn: 14 Times Roger Ebert Roasted A Movie Into Oblivion](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/0/784050_320x180.jpg)
If there's anything that can be said about Roger Ebert, it's that dude loved movies. He saw more movies than any of us, even in the age of streaming, could possibly imagine. Part of that fierce love of movies, though, was that he seemed like he took bad movies personally. Agree or disagree with his takes, the man was ready and willing to 1) see any and every movie that came out and 2) say exactly what he thought about that movie. In print. And on television. And digitized and archived for all of eternity.
Here's the other thing about Roger Ebert: he sure had a way with words. He came up in the Chicago journalism scene, which at the time was known for its writers working long hours at both the copy desk and the cheeseburger-grease-covered-and-beer-soaked bar located under a subway station. A spot later immortalized by SNL. What we're saying is Ebert couldn't afford to mince words, and boy oh boy, if a bad movie came across his desk, that was when he was at his most entertaining. Sitting through 90 minutes of phoned-in bullhockey? He got hotter than the Great Chicago Fire. Here are 14 times he went absolutely off on filmmakers and performers:
![The Hot Chick EBERT'S RATING: 1/2 STAR CRACKED.COM Among many other rthings,heo-McAdams umbrage with the ratio: The movie's conviction that we would rather see the outside of Rob Schneider's body than the outside of Rachel McAdams' body is not the least of its miscalculations.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/6/2/784062.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Armageddon EBERT'S RATING: 1 STAR CRACKED.COM The movie claims the asteroid is the size of Texas, so Ebert made some hyper-specific Texas references to explain how arbitrary that description is: Let's face it: Even an object the size of that big Wal-Mart outside Abilene would pretty much clean us out, if you count the parking lot.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/5/784055.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![The Last Airbender EBERT'S RATING: 1/2 STAR CRACKED.co .COM He seemed to believethat some higher power must have conspired to make such an awful film: an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented. The laws of chance suggest that something should have gone right. Not here.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/6/5/784065.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Mr. Magoo EBERT'S RATING: 1/2 STAR NIELSEN The eight Hunder of do world CRACKED.COM This Leslie Nielsen vehicle was so bad, it seems to have sent Ebert into a zen-like trance: It soars above ordinary badness as the eagle outreaches the fly.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/6/4/784064.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Godzilla EBERT'S RATING: 1.5 STARS CRACKED.com He thought watching this film could constitute sacrilege, in certain contexts: Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter's Basilica.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/6/3/784063.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![North EBERT'S RATING: THUMBS DOWN the in the radle the is the CRACKEDG This review has become the magnum opus of E-burns: I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. Hated it... Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/6/1/784061.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days Methow EBERT'S RATING: 1.5 STARS McConaughey CRACKED.COM He made a rare show of mercy for leads Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson: If I were taken off the movie beat and assigned to COVER the interior design of bowling alleys, I would have some idea of how they must have felt as they made this film.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/6/6/784066.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen EBERT'S RATING: 1 STAR CRACKED.COM He refused to call it a film, referring to it instead as a toy tie-in, and said one of the relative high points involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/6/0/784060.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Joe Dirt EBERT'S RATING: 1.5 STARS CRACKED.COM On behalf of movie critics everywhere, Ebert is begging David Spade for less scatalogical slapstick: We are not prudes. We are prepared to laugh. But what these movies, including Joe Dirt, often do not understand is that the act of being buried in crap is not in and of itself funny.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/7/784057.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![The Waterboy EBERT'S RATING: 1 STAR CRACKED.co While he can barely contain his contempt for Adam Sandler, he swears it's nothing personal: It would give me enormous satisfaction (and relief) to like him in a movie. But I suggest he is making a tactical error when he creates a character whose manner and voice has the effect of fingernails on a blackboard.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/3/784053.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Stargate EBERT'S RATING: 1 STAR CRACKED.COM He said this movie felt like bad film school homework: Assignment: Conceive of the weirdest plot you can think of, and reduce it as quickly as possible to action movie cliches. If possible, include sun god Ra, and make sure something gets blowed up real good.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/6/784056.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Catwoman EBERT'S RATING: 1 STAR CRACKED.COM He thought they spent too much time making Halle Berry look like a sexy cat, and not enough time developing her character: She gobbles down tuna and sushi. She sleeps on a shelf. The movie doesn't get into the litter box situation. What does she think about all of this?](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/8/784058.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Freddy Got Fingered EBERT'S RATING: THUMBS DOWN about over Summer can can The CRACKEDG He hated this movie so much that he went on a paragraph-long metaphoric tirade: This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel... This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/4/784054.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert
![Spice World EBERT'S RATING: 1/2 STAR JUST SINGE CRACKED.COM Ebert thought the Spice Girls were like Ninja Turtles with less character development: What can you say about five women whose principal distinguishing characteristic is that they have different names?](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/5/9/784059.jpg)
Source: Roger Ebert