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14 Truly Baffling Sex Tips Doled Out By Magazines

By:: Cracked Writers; Ryan Menezes

April 04, 2021

14 Truly Baffling Sex Tips Doled Out By Magazines

There are two places human beings should never, ever take sex points from: pornography and magazines. And, more often than not, the stuff magazines recommend is way worse than what you see in the darker corners of the internet.

For example ...

14

Cosmopolitan tells readers about the sexy sprinkler. Bend over on the lawn, they suggest (the backyard, for privacy), and while having sex, let a rotating sprinkler hit you in the genitals. — Source: Cosmopolitan

13

Redbook suggests slapping his armpits during sex. Someone was assigned to write 33 Sexy Places to Touch Your Guy, and it seems they ran out of body parts. He may not like it, but, hey, he may love it, they note. Only one way to find out. — Source: Redbook

12

Cosmo suggests secretly hiding someone in the closet. CRACKED.COM Then have sex, without your partner knowing a friend is in the room, peeping. They say this one was inspired by Orphan Black. We watched the show and still don't get this tip. — Source: Cosmopolitan

11

Check if she blinks a lot, says Men's Health. wang T CRACKEDO If she blinks a lot, they claim, she's on the Pill. That means she's programmed to seek rugged guys, sO you should try to look more tough. Pure logic, this tip here. — Source: Men's Health

10

Eat cookies off each other, urges Cosmo. CRACKEDcO Each lie on your side with a cookie on your neck, then nuzzle each other to nibble the cookies off. This won't actually work at all. The cookies will fall off immediately, leaving you picking them off the sheets instead of each — Source: Cosmopolitan

9

Chores around the house count as foreplay, says Maxim. CRACKED COM If you clean the place, they say, she'll want sex the moment she gets home! Or, uh, maybe you should clean the place just cause that way, the place gets clean. — Source: Maxim

8

Men's Health suggests trying sex in a bank vault. CRACKED cO Could just be an excuse to make puns about deposits and withdrawing, but it's planted in a list of genuine suggestions, like going to a fitting room or using a bean bag chair. — Source: Men's Health

7

Suck a popsicle while giving a blowjob, urges Cosmo. CRACKEDOOM lce, we understand. But melted popsicles are sticky, which is no good. Flavored lube exists, because people realized mixing actual food and sex isn't as fun as it sounds. — Source: Cosmopolitan

6

Marie Claire says to act like a marionette, the sexiest of puppets. CRACKED COM They suggest facing a wall, hands above your head, then to slowly slide down the wall, falling forward from the waist-like a marionette with slack strings. — Source: Marie Claire

5

Cosmo suggests olezplaying as his boss during sex. CRACKED.COM Even for guys who are into being ordered around, we're thinking orders from the boss are too close to reality to count as a fantasy. — Source: Cosmopolitan

4

Gifts come, sex follows, says business-like Esquire. ATM SEX CRACKED CON Women like gifts. Lead with a gift, and/o go down on her. They highlight this line in their guide to foreplay and say to write it down, as it is indispensable. — Source: Esquire

3

Cosmo says to press a fork against his butt cheeks. CRACKEDOON Supposedly, this is a sex tip inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey. It sounds more like a very confused response to a partner who suggests eating ass. — Source: Philadelphia magazine

2

Women's Health has ideas on how to multitask during sex. CRACKEDcCO Have sex while cooking, they suggest, and while wrapping gifts. Also fun, they say: Being entered from behind while you're at the computer and paying bills. — Source: Women's Health

1

Cosmo suggests Game of Thrones fans le-play as Hodor. Even as an attempt to mix a little comedy into your lovemaking, this would backfire by emphasizing how neither you nor your lover will ever be as sexy as Hodor. — Source: Cosmopolitan

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