All the Presidents’ Secret Service Code Names, Ranked

This already sucks to call yourself. It’s one step away from “Bad Boy for Life.” When he launched a podcast with the same name? Even further into the dumpster it went.

Look, I promise you, even trying not to consider the man himself, this is fucking lame. It’s the kind of thing a guy you know from high school who opened a vape shop makes his Instagram handle. By the way, we’re not considering family’s code names in this list, but I feel like Melania Trump’s choice of “Muse” is so gag-worthy I had to mention it. God, that sucks.

God, both of these names sound like a direct dig, and I love it. “Tumbler” was his code name when his dad was president, possibly because of his heavy drinking. When he was elected, he chose “Trailblazer,” showing a colossal lack of self-awareness for the ultimate political nepo baby.

Maybe he chose this name as a gigantic fuck-you to every president that had to be duly elected, seeing as he became Commander-in-Chief without ever being elected president or vice president. Something I would believe, given just how self-satisfied he looks in his presidential photo.

I didn’t know this dude was that ride-or-die Irish. Celtic is a cool word, but here it kinda feels like the shitfaced guy on St. Patrick’s Day who keeps telling you that the “Irish were an oppressed people too.”

Okay, Deacon is fine, coming from him being a religious man. But “Lock Master”? What is this, a D&D game? You sound like an obstacle from Legends of the Hidden Temple, my guy.

I’d assume “Scorecard” came from Eisenhower's love of golf, but still. You were a five-star general, man! Why the hell are you calling yourself “Putt-Putt” or whatever? Actually, I take it back. “Putt-Putt” would, undeniably, be #1 on this list. As for the alternate, “Providence,” that’s a snoozefest also.

Eisenhower was a general, and Truman wasn’t, but he’s the one they called “General”? That feels like borderline stolen valor. Sure, he was a captain in the military, and he did get saddled with leading the U.S. through the end of World War II, but it feels like a pretty presumptuous name to pick.

I’m sure it’s meant to be a reference to knights, Camelot and lance-bearing warriors. Unfortunately for me, it sort of sounds like one of Santa’s reindeer. Either way, turns out a better code name would have been “Duck.”

At first, this sounds kind of lame, until you realize it comes from being the first member of Congress to volunteer for active duty in World War II. It’s the kind of nickname you’d drunkenly make fun of at the bar before getting your ass whooped by a man with military training.

This one gets full marks for the sheer irony of it. I know I said we weren’t considering their actual time in office, but somebody involved in one of history’s greatest cover-ups being called “Searchlight”? There’s no way I’m ignoring that.

How the hell did this many presidents pass this one up? There’s a reason “the eagle has landed” became part of the lexicon. Top marks.

The guy sucks a whole ranch’s worth of pig ass, but I’m not going to pretend this isn’t cool. Play a cowboy in Hollywood, and you’re pretty much set on cool nicknames for the rest of your life. I’ve also walked by a gay bar named this, which I hope Nancy Reagan’s hell-tortured ghost hates.

What does the name “Timberwolf” have to do with George H.W. Bush himself? I have no idea, but it’s undeniably sick as hell. “Timberwolf has landed” sounds more like a combat mech just got deployed than a middle-aged president stepping off a plane.