15 Petty Patriotic Fibs That Tend to Fly Under the Radar

Was he? WAS HE? While Washington was the first President of the United States, he was preceded by a whopping 17 presidents of the Continental Congresses and Confederation Congress (several were repeated), including John Hancock.

In real life, the noise of a bald eagle isn’t particularly badass. It’s kind of… seagull-like? It’s not unpleasant, it’s just not as patriotism-stirringly ass-kicking a noise as it could be. 

Yeah, he could. The story about the cherry tree was the creation of Mason Locke Weems, a biographer keen to cash in on the public’s mourning of Washington. He created a bunch of anecdotes that “proved” how virtuous Washington was and sold millions.

She probably didn’t. The story of Betsy Ross was popularized by her grandson a century after she died. The grave in Betsy Ross House in Philadelphia definitely contains human remains, but they may well not be her — there was guesswork involved.

Not under the First Amendment, it isn’t. In 1990, the Supreme Court declared laws against desecrating the flag were unconstitutional. In fact, when a flag wears out, tastefully burning it on Flag Day is often the preferred method of disposal.

Nope. Congress approved it on July 4th, with Jefferson having drafted it in June, but the signing didn’t take place until August 2nd. So, on July 4th 1776, America was not by any stretch of the imagination an independent country.

There were only 12. Delaware didn’t count as a colony on its own — it was part of Pennsylvania until June 1776. It made up for its lateness by being the first to ratify the constitution, though. 

Washington was far from a perfect military strategist — losses at Fort Washington and Fort Lee can be at least partly blamed on his indecision, while French commanders deserve a lot of the credit for achievements perceived as Washington’s. Sacre bleu! 

Most of the people living in Massachusetts in 1775 would have considered themselves British. If Revere had shouted that — which he wouldn’t have, as it was a secret mission — it would just have confused people. 

Not as much as it could have been. Original plans included Sacagawea, Crazy Horse and Red Cloud — that wouldn’t make up for stolen land but might’ve been something. However, sculptor Gutzon Borglum — mighty tight with the KKK — shut that down.

Loggers told tales of a big fella named Paul Bunyan, but it was advertising copywriter William B. Laughead, promoting the Red River Lumber Company, who created the main Bunyan myth — increasing his size to insane proportions, naming Babe and more. 

It might well be — it’s really nice — but if so, why aren’t its people happier? The World Happiness Report, which includes data on health, longevity and freedom, places the U.S. 15th, with Finland topping the chart. The answer? Destroy Finland. 

In terms of sheer piles of cash, America has the most — of the world’s wealthier countries, it has the highest population, which adds up. But averaged out (i.e., per capita), Luxembourg, Ireland, Switzerland, Qatar, Norway and Singapore beat America.

Doesn’t the motto of the U.S. kind of go against the idea of the separation of church and state? Plus around 30 percent of American adults are completely non-religious, so they don’t trust in shit, yo. 

The whole point is that it should always be getting better. The lyrics to “America The Beautiful” even acknowledge there’s work to be done: “America! America! / God mend thine every flaw / Confirm thy soul in self-control / Thy liberty in law.”