15 Things That Were Blamed On Witches

Between 1520 and 1770, the colder the winter, the more women were put on trial for witchcraft. A year-by-year analysis shows it correlates perfectly: The more chilly and annoyed people got, the more women they murdered. 

Outbreaks of food poisoning, before any understanding of bacteria or germ theory, were blamed on witches. One contributing factor to the Salem witch trials may have been ergot poisoning, a fungus that grows on plants and can cause convulsions. 

James VI of Scotland was assured that a collective of witches tried to kill him while at sea. He wrote a book, Dæmonologie, in which he explained how foolproof a witch-finding method dunking a bound woman into a river was. 

The massive outbreak of bubonic plague in Europe had much more to do with rats than warty women, but that didn’t stop witches from being blamed. In Geneva, 29 women were killed after a four-year plague that was definitely their fault.

In 2008, a soccer match in the Democratic Republic of Congo descended into a riot after one player was accused of using witchcraft. Thirteen people were killed and 36 injured. 

Spurning an unwanted sexual advance, having the audacity to own land or simply being female, poor and of a lower social class can all be enough to be accused of witchcraft in some parts of India.

“Mischief following anger” was the wording in Shakespearean times for refusing to help some crazy needy old woman, and at a later date having something bad happen to you. It had to be her fault, the mad old stinking bat. 

According to Amnesty International, up to 1,000 Gambians have been accused of being witches targeting President Yahya Jammeh. Many have been arrested, tortured or killed. Jammeh says he can cure AIDS, but only on Thursdays.

Women who didn’t seem to know their place — be pretty, do as you’re told and shut the fuck up — were, according to those in 17th-century Massachussetts, witches. Women could be excommunicated for “usurping” their husband’s role or expressing “unorthodox opinions.”

Lilias Adie, from Fife, Scotland, was accused of magically causing a neighbor’s hangover. A month-long trial of torture and sleep deprivation led to her taking her own life, her body dumped in the sea under a rock. Fuck the past.

Sexual dysfunction being blamed on magic crops up a lot throughout history. It’s an odd thought, that of everything a witch could use magic for, she’d magic a dude’s dick floppy, but each to their own.

In 21st century Zambia, 25 percent of pregnant women are infected with HIV, leading to accusations that witches are spreading the disease. Witch-hunters have subsequently killed many of those accused, doing nothing about the AIDS figures. 

In 1992, the sports minister of Code D’Ivoire hired witch doctors to help beat Ghana in the African Cup of Nations final. The witch doctors weren’t paid for a decade, however, resorting to threatening the team with a curse. 

The Salem witch trials began with teenage girls having “fits” — shouting, screaming and convulsing, barking like dogs and saying unintelligible words. Teenage girls, as everyone knows, are perfectly behaved, so it had to be the work of witches.

Anything whatsoever that doesn't go to plan has, at some time or another, been laid at the feet of witches. Disappointing harvests, bad weather, infertility, miscarriage, loud noises, bad investments, absolutely everything.