Hey, L.A.! Before you grab your oversized foam finger and start trash-talking other football cities, you might want to examine if you really want this or not.
Here's what we learned about what it's like to move your legs back and forth for a living.
All Subway ads with Jared are far, far creepier now.
It's a brutal sport where the fox never dies instantly, and sometimes, when you're there, only pieces of the animal remain.
If you're a pro-athlete moderately well-known within your city, the low-budget, low-creativity world of commercials for local businesses is your financial salvation -- and the only taste of the superstar lifestyle you may ever get.
Let's just come out and say it: College sports are shady as hell.
Future Olympic gymnasts get their start as toddlers, and then it gets worse.
Scholars thousands of years from now will pore over millions of minutes of televised sporting events and conclude we were a bunch of assholes.
These were reported by witnesses who may or may not be full of shit. All we can do is dutifully pass them along, as they are amazing.
Any part of the body can be used to defeat your opponents. Even the excrement.
If you're considering the sport without knowing anything about it, there are a few things you should be aware of.
We spoke to William Lane, a former player and volunteer coach in Central Texas. He told us some things about the crazy zeitgeist surrounding high school football.
We talked to a couple soccer hooligans to shed some light on the uniquely passionate (read: insane) culture they're apart of.
These sports were truly exciting, truly chilling, and, most of all, truly deadly. So of course a bunch of them are making a comeback in the dumbest ways possible.
Hypocrisy is a hell of a drug, and I'm as much a dirty addict as you.