Why You Are An Idiot for Not Watching 'Mad Men'

Statistically speaking, you're not watching Mad Men, and the fact that season three premiers on Sunday likely has no affect on you. I'm here, out of the kindness of my heart, to gently explain to you why you're wrong, and why you're a bad person for doing the things you do. Watch Mad Men. Watch the shit out of it. Now, I don't normally shill things here on Cracked. That's not for any ethical or artistic reasons, or anything like that, it's just that sponsors learned long ago that it's more beneficial to them if they pay me not to associate myself with their products (I'm what advertisers call "brand AIDs").

Incidentally, this is why we'll never get sponsored by Band-Aids. I'd like to stress that neither AMC nor the creators of Mad Men are paying me. (Funny story. Turns out, no one is paying me. I was fired from Cracked about eight months ago and I've been hacking into the site ever since to get my articles up.) I'm only bringing up Mad Men because I genuinely think it's one of the best shows on television. Not too long ago, I asked "What the fuck happened to TV?", and I brought up The Hills, Jon & Kate Plus 8 Minus Several Crucial Chromosomes, A Show That Isn't Actually About Cougars So Who Gives a Shit and I'm a Celebrity- Go Fuck Yourself as not only examples of television's horrible degeneration, but also fairly convincing signs of the coming apocalypse. If you agreed with my thesis that those shows were like a like a special kind of cancer that insulted your masculinity as it slowly killed you, you're probably wondering where all the good shows have gone. Mad Men is the answer to that. Here's why.

So Don Draper, the hard-to-love yet impossible-to-hate protagonist is a fairly complicated guy. Very little is known about him and his prowess as an ad man is unexplainable. He sits around in his office, alternately drinking highballs and looking intense, and at the end of the day, pulls a sales pitch directly out of his ass and flings it around the office like a monkey flinging feces around a cage (or an office, really). Except in Don's case, the sales pitch isn't smelly and you don't care if any of it gets stuck in your hair because it is solid fucking gold. Still, it's not just Don's ability as an ad man that I respect, it's his less-than-conventional solutions to problems. We're going to take a look at a few of the problems Draper's faced as well as the solutions a lesser man (you) would come up with. Then, we're going to see what happens when you Draper that shit and turn to solutions that Don Draper actually used in the series. Problem: Your boss inappropriately hits on your wife. What You Would Do: This is tough, because this man is your boss, but no one should treat your wife that way. Write him a strongly-worded letter explaining the conflict, demand an apology and hopefully you can put this whole sordid mess behind you. Draper That Shit: Wordlessly coerce your boss into consuming massive amounts of alcohol and food, then challenge him to a foot race up some stairs thereby forcing him to throw up all over a bunch important clients.

That fucking happened! That response is NO ONE'S first reaction to a problem. No one except Don Draper. Problem: Your wife threw you out of the house as a result of your infidelity. What You Would Do: Tearfully beg your wife to take you back, promise her that you'll change, and that you love her very much. Draper That Shit: Wordlessly fly across the country so you can hang out and fuck adorable hippies while your miserable, wronged wife raises your children. Fly back when you feel like it and move back into your house.

Problem: A client insults your sponsors and they demand an apology. The client's wife/manager is becoming incredibly difficult to deal with. What You Would Do: Reach out to your legal team, and ensure your client that they are legally obligated to play nice, or he will be in violation of his contract. Draper That Shit: Pull the wife/manager aside and semi-publicly fingerblast the shit out of her.

That actually happened, and it actually worked. Do you have any idea how much better every show in the history of television would be if Don Draper was a character? Just consider Friends, and how much more compelling that show would be if Draper would occasionally drop by to fingerblast Jennifer Aniston. I would watch that show. If the Don Draper Method isn't enough to convince you to watch Mad Men, there's one other fairly important point I'd like to draw your attention to. Now, my background is Literary Theory, so I apologize in advance if I get too technical and academic in this next section. Mad Men Balances Complex Themes and Intricate Story Telling