What The Fuck Happened to TV?
For most of my life, I practically mainlined pop culture, my finger wrapped tightly around the pulse of current entertainment. But recently I realized that whenever I'd overhear conversations about popular TV shows I had no idea what anyone was talking about. It seems that while I was exploring the real world (watching Arrested Development on DVD) the pop culture landscape as I understood it shifted; a new crop of shows and stars emerged, leaving me wondering: What's an Adam Lambert? Does Brett Michaels still make music, or is he basically doing this rolling brothel TV show full time now? Is Wings still on the air? Is Wings still on the air?!
To find out, I forced myself to watch the latest episode of the three most popular shows on the air right now. And I hate myself for it.
The Hills
Pretty, interchangeable white people wearing clothes.
Starring:
I don't know who any of these people are, or what they did to become famous. I don't even totally know how many different characters are on this show. I didn't realize there was more than one blondish white chick until two of them were on screen together. I watched 30 minutes before I understood that these three girls were different people.
The episode that I watched was centered on a wedding between a blond douchebag named Spencer and a blonde whatever-the-girl-version-of-a-douchebag-is named Heidi. Spencer and Heidi are the two most unlikable human beings I've ever seen in my entire life. Also, Spencer's beard is the same color as his face, which seems like it must make shaving very difficult.
Since this was the season finale, it was a double episode. Two full episodes wherein absolutely nothing remotely interesting happened. Super-tan, glass-eyed Californians sat around looking at each other for 44 minutes. Sometimes one of them would cry or smile, but no one ever seemed to understand why. This was the season finale of a show that's lasted five freaking seasons. And it's not as though it's flying under the radar. I hear about this show constantly. Why the hell is it so popular? What's the appeal?
Here's a scene where Spencer talks to The One That Isn't Spencer about something (Spencer, probably).
SPENCER
I'm not just a cold stone with no heart. THE ONE THAT ISN'T SPENCER
[Not taking his eyes off the floor.]
Yeah you are.
They look at each other for a full 12 seconds, neither of their faces displaying anything that I recognize as an emotion.
Not-Spencer didn't say it humorously, or ironically or anything. He just said it because he heard a sentence that started with "I'm not" and decided to fill in the blank with something disagreeable, like this was some kind of exercise for a drama class in which both of the participants are retarded. I mean, Spencer just stared at him. Not mad, or offended, just slowly trying unsuccessfully to process the words he'd just heard. This episode had four million viewers.
Also, everyone on this show has their mouth wide open. All the time. I don't know if they're just mannerless mouthbreathers or if they believe that the only way to understand what someone else is saying is by swallowing the sounds they are making. Maybe it's a show about mutants whose ears are located on the roofs of their mouth? I mean there's got to be some reason they're on TV, right?
Conclusion:
Terrorists try to blow us up not because they hate freedom, but because we use our freedom to make The Hills.
Jon and Kate Plus 8
Two completely unlikable people ruin the lives of their eight children and get paid more per episode than parents who actually work.
Starring:
Jon. Kate. Their eight, indistinguishable children.
The Show:
I hear about this show all the time and I guess it's the only one on this list that I can actually see being compelling. Jon and Kate have eight children, twins and sextuplets, and I'm almost positive that they hate every single one of them.
"Kids sort of lose their appeal after a few days. We're big into those Hawaiian lays, now."
The episode I watched was littered with moments of both parents saying things like "I can't take this anymore" and "I'm going to have a break down any second, I swear to God." It's not a show about coping with raising eight children, it's a show about two miserable people in a loveless marriage who are incapable of talking about anything besides their miserable, loveless marriage. All of this is happening right in front of the swarm of toddlers, who I have to assume are being supervised by the camera crew filming the series.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on raising kids, but that's also precisely why I don't have any. Here's an exchange that perfectly sets the tone for the episode and, I imagine, the series: One of the girl babies was upset about her missing pony toy.
NAMELESS GIRL BABY
Mommy, I can't find my pony toy, have you seen it? KATE
OK, you're getting a little obsessive-ish... Stop melting down, I've got to go save the world.
And then Kate proceeds to stand in front of her sink pretending to wash a single dish for a while before disappearing for the rest of the afternoon. And the world was safe for another day. In another moment, Jon is in the backyard with his dogs and children, cleaning up dog poop."This is the story of my life," Jon says, his voice coated with misery and regret, "cleaning up other people's crap."
I've never seen two parents more blatant about their total resentment for their children. The show is compelling if for no other reason than because you want to make sure the kids make it out of the season.
This is pretty depressing as far as entertainment goes, but I can see it functioning as a useful experiment, a time capsule for eight children who can one day look back on the show as evidence of how much their parents despised them. When these poor kids grow up and wonder why they're so maladjusted, they'll be able to look back on Jon and Kate Plus 8 and say "Oh, OK, that's why I have a difficult time making meaningful connections with other human beings: my parents treated me like a petulant piece of furniture that they begrudgingly had to feed from time to time."
The Cougar
A Cougar, by which I mean an older woman who preys on younger men, has massive amounts of sex with a bunch of 20-somethings all competing for her affection.
Starring:
I don't know, who gives a shit?
The Show:
It's a reality show about a mildly attractive 40-year-old woman who has a dozen or so younger men who all inexplicably want to settle down in their early 20s and raise her three children.
The show focuses on her sexually-charged method of whittling down this list of 20-somethings. By the season finale, Stacey, the cougar in question, has already boned to the point of exhaustion her last two suitors, Colt and Jimmy, and everyone's cool with that, but then... You see, after the potential suitors meet Stacey's kids, they...It... I'm sorry, I really need to get something off my chest. I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I apologize for the repetition, but I wanted to be absolutely clear about my title-based assumptions going into this show. Batman is about a man who dresses up as a bat, Murphy Brown is about an asexual robot coated in leather (whose slave name is Murphy Brown), so The Cougar should've been about a live goddamned claw-having, goddamned man-eating, goddamned cougar and that's all there is to it. How the hell am I supposed to watch some sexually indiscriminate lunatic ruin her children when visions of a cougar-hosted talk show dance in my imagination?
But, you know, it doesn't even need to BE a talk show, it could've been anything, and as long as a real cougar was front and center, the show would be a hit. They could've even kept their stupid premise, for all I care, I would have gladly watched a show that was about a dozen 20-year-old dudes taking turns trying to fuck a live cougar. Who wouldn't watch that show?!?! Week after week they would try and fail and I would love every second of it.Conclusion:Somebody greenlight competitive cougar fucking dammit!
I'm A Celebrity, Now Get Me Outta Here!
I didn't actually watch this show. It's about celebrities (where the interpretation of "celebrity" is fairly loose) stranded on an island, like on Survivor. On the downside, the challenges are easier but, on the plus side, you might get a Baldwin or two. Still, it's not the worst premise in the world. I mean, at least there's a plot, which is more than you can say for The Hills. So why didn't I watch this show? Because fucking Heidi and Spencer from The Hills are two of the celebrities. CELEBRITIES!?
Seriously, what the fuck TV?
Hilarious article Dan O! This guy is one of the best writers on Cracked. More people need to read this. T.V. is such crap. I especially like the Cougar idea, now that's entertainment.
ReplyHaha this brought me back to the old days of The Soup when Joel McHale would make fun of Spencer's "creepy flesh colored beard" ...Gooooood times.
ReplyAnd the pauses. Seriously. That show, if the clips on "The Soup" were anything to go by, LOVED its long, nonsensical pauses.
I'm pleased to say I never watched any of these shows. I'm sad to say, however, that I know of them, and the people in them. Jon and Kate need to just disappear, and Spencer needs to be punched in the face. And Heidi? She's an embarrassment to the female species.
"It's a show about two miserable people in a loveless marriage who are incapable of talking about anything besides their miserable, loveless marriage."
ReplyAnd we're SURPRISED they split up?
i hope i don't get blasted for this , probably not considering the date of the last time a person commented , i just have to say that in my opinion the best shows are probably breaking bad and dexter , it's always sunny in philadelphia , shameless , and maybe tosh.0 . that last one is gonna get me killed .
ReplyAnd you were doing so well before you mentioned it too.
I have not seen Dexter, and I've never heard of Shameless, but wow, that's pretty much my favorite things as well. Tosh.0 is a guilty pleasure for when I feel like being braindead and not thinking.
It really seems like the only good tv shows today are those Cartoon Network shows that have adult humor in them. Adventure Time and Regular Show are probably the only really likable ones, and they make jokes about spanking and getting to second base.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAlso, on a side note: Phineas and Ferb is pretty mush the only disney show that isn't a complete piece of shit.
That's because all the other Disney shows are unfunny sitcoms that overuse the canned laughter every five seconds when nothing is funny... Disney needs to make more original cartoons and less cra**y sitcoms.
This is the only good joke to come out of a Disney sitcom:
Microbiologist: (looking in microscope) Ooh! It looks like the amoebas are reproducing!
Woody: (runs over to microscope) let me see! let me see! (woody looks in microscope) Hey!
Microbiologist: Some species can reproduce without another partner
Zach: Hey, Cody, hope for you!
I laughed my @$$ off. That was from the Suite Life on Deck.
Regular show, I swear to God, every episode is an acid trip peaking in calamity. Awesome.
I like how DOB predicted the fall of Jon & Kate's marriage.
ReplyBecause no one else predicted that massively abusing contraception aids and then getting a T.V. deal wouldn't save a clearly loveless marriage.
I'm more worried about the fact that The Hills has lasted longer than they did.
When the fans of Survivor and other 'reality' shows have kids and grandkids, they won't be able to share their memories with them. Either some version of 'Survivor' will be on the air, or reality shows will disappear, or these young people chortling at the antics of the idiots on reality TV will grow up. Twenty, thirty, forty years from now, they'll look at the DVD and wonder what they saw in it. Meanwhile, the people who care about decent television won't be nearly as embarrassed by the shows they watched.
ReplyReally: 'Dragnet' might look simplistic today, but it's still watchable. A few decades of life experience don't kill the enjoyment. Can watch with the grandkids. 'Jackass'? Slip in the old DVD and cringe in embarrassment within minutes.
I've only seen 1 episode (complaining and closing my eyes the entire time) of the Hills and that's it. From what I've seen of reality show nonsense, you're probably right. I know a family that was on a reality show, and from them, I can say this: Reality shows are scripted, but they use the reality part as an excuse for bad writting, and the people that watch them are either depressed/lonely/stupid teenagers or all 3. I know people who watch them and they all fit that description without failure
ReplyWell, for the last one, you have to think...any real/good celebrities would be above doing that kind of show, seeing as they could spend their time doing actual movies that make more money and whatnot....so of course shows like that always feature people like Heidi and Spencer from the Hills.
ReplyOther than that, this was a great list! I completely agree that all these shows are terrible and pointless
If you think about it, it's not that hard to figure out why all of our regular shows are being replaced with reality shows. Reality shows are cheaper, plain and simple. Network companies aren't concerned with "quality," it's a for-profit system. As long as they are turning a profit (as in, as long as people are watching, which they are) then they will keep making the same kind of shows.
ReplyUnfortunately, we (as a society) don't treat film or television with the same amount of seriousness that we treat other forms of art. Television and film are "entertainment," but paint a f**king picture or take some black and white photos of naked women and all of a sudden it's "art." What we see as "art" and "stupid worthless entertainment" needs to change, or television and movies - aside from a few gems - are always going to suck.
I'm kinda curious what people on Cracked think of iCarly. I love that show, think the writing is damn fine, but I'm interested in hearing what you guys think of it.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIt's a surprisingly good show for the younger set, something that we haven't seen since the heyday of Nickelodeon. It's funny and youthful and smart. I've seen almost every episode, thanks to having a six year old, and I laugh just as hard as she does!
I always assumed iCarly was just another awful Disney channel show (or possibly an Apple commercial.)
I think it's terrible...they don't understand their audience very well. I was watching with these girls I babysit, and there was one episode where Carly and her friend talked about hickeys for a while....which is fine, until you remember that the target audience is like 8 years old
The old ones were actually kind of funny, but the show quickly reached the stupid-jokes-and-overused-canned-laughter point.
This is why I watch the BBC. ITV is good for nothing as it has 'reality' shows and Britain's Got Talent and the X-Factor (Because having an X makes everything better!), Channel 4 sucks except for American sitcoms (which have been cancelled - like Scrubs), and Channel Five - oh... don't go there. To summarise, the only things worth watching on TV here is E4 - for the aforementioned American sitcoms - and the BBC channels. Thank goodness my knowledge of 21st century popculture stops at 2009.
ReplyThe BBC isn't quite the paragon of quality you're making out. The two most popular programmes on BBC1 ?
The ill lit paranoid hell of screaming mockneys that is Eastenders & the hetero repelling campy Strictly Come Dancing.
If it wasn't for Match of the Day & Sherlock then I wouldn't have BBC1 on at all.
BBC2 is treading water.
BBC3 is a z list abomination of puerile s**t that Channel 4 would reject for their after 11 slots.
BBC4 is pure class though, & guess which one the BBC want to cancel?
You're right about E4 though & throw in More 4 too.
Even though ITV1 is bad enough, please don't let on to the Yanks about the existence of ITV2 & ITV3 , or they'll banish us from the human race for crimes against taste.
^ Too late.
Goddammit, I want to compete in Cougar f**king now.
ReplyCheaper and more expedient method of hitting MILF ass is to go to the club.
Thankfully, I can proudly say that I've never seen any of these shows.
Replyvfd
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesVolunteer fire department?
Vegetable fun dip?
Veritably friendly dinosaur?
You rang?
Lemony Snicket? IS THAT YOU?
village of fowl devotees?
Very funny, dudes.
Vagina Full of Dicks.
victorious frolicking dongs?
The world is quiet here.
Boycott reality TV! Whatever happened to shows with actors, not talentless wannabe celebrities? Here's more crap for your list: Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Jersey Shore, and their spinoffs
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesJersey Shore has a spinoff? HOW?
It's called "Jerseylicious". Basically it's 3 Snookis.
Oh god the horror...
I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing Jersey Shore had a spinoff. What did I ever do to you?!
Fuck tv. Every good show has either been cancelled or turned down when pitched to make room for this kind of s**t (countless), censored to all hell (again, lots), has become a quality roller coaster (The Simpsons) or is MythBusters, which I must admit is consistently awesome. To be fair, I only mean shows that are good when not high. Ever see Yo Gabba Gabba? Its pretty neat when baked, but when you're not its kind of annoying and makes you wish you were baked.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesSpecial mention for jon and kate and eight. Whenever someone pitches a show about real children, they should have their pitch rejected, their tires popped, their wives stolen by three or more men of the ethnicity they hate most and should have to be on the good version of The Cougar. Also, drown them.
I would never waste time while baked by watching s**t like Yo Gabba Gabba.
So when you say that their wives should be stolen by three or more men, would the men be acting in unison to steal her, or would they all be attempting to abscond with her in different directions, ripping her to pieces?
Either one is good, I guess; I'm just curious as to which you meant. Also Yo, Gabba Gabba is amazing when stoned.
Ah, therein lay the drama, Xervous! They put it to a vote. With only three, they'd probably all vote to take her to some kind of shack for raping time. But when there are enough that some will end up with sloppy seconds, we'll see more votes for splitting her. Also, we don't mention this until the time comes, but if she ends up torn apart, any man who f**ks his chunk AND climaxes gets a million dollars.
Maybe that could be a show! "Can you get off on a head and one shoulder? We'll find out tonight on Chunk Pumpers!"
"Chunk Pumpers"
BRILLIANT
They should have a spy vs. spy thing where the winner is the one with the most ingenious way of stealing her and succeeds.
Every time i watch TV i am thoroughly convinced that we are devolving back into Monkeys again!
ReplyWatch ideocracy! and realize its a documentary of our future!
The sad thing here is, that you spelled "Idiocracy" incorrectly.
As much as you might want it to, watching "Idiocracy" is not going to save our society. It's a movie, damn it. With Owen Wilson's brother...you know, the one who doesn't make very many facial expressions. That guy.
It is not a doc*mentary of our future. It is (and I think I read this on Cracked, actually) a parody of current events.
Not the future. CURRENT events.
HAHAHA omg please write about more shows. You're so hilarious and you are completely right. Have you heard of Jersey Shore, I haven't seen it but its all I hear people talking about and I can tell from commercials it is beyond retarded
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"Jersey Shore", to me, is a confidence booster. I saw half an episode(all I could take) and I already felt like a better person.
Oddly enough, Jersey Shore didn't make me feel smarter or better. It was really confusing, because I had NO IDEA what the hell was going on. First they were drinking, then they were yelling, then they were in bed, then more yelling, then more drinking...very, very confusing.
he actually wrote a whole article on Jersey shore (cause he's from Jersey), and it was even funnier than this one, I'm feeling to lazy to post a link, but you should look it up
Jon & Kate........where do I begin? To glorify having multiple births in a world that cannot sustain the people it already has is disgusting and irresponsible at best.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesHowever, I've found most people do not agree. They have become so ingrained with the idea that they can do whatever the f&&k they want, that they can't grasp the reality.
They'll buy "green" products and swear they care about the planet and their fellow man, yet they keep making more people. And they truly don't see the hypocracy.
Kill yourself if you are so damn worried about the population.
Seriously anybody who complains about overpopulation should take care of themselves first. In fact any idiot who opens their fat mouth about overpopulation should kill themselves or it should be legal for the rest of us to hunt you down and solve this overpopulation problem for you. Hell that would make a cool reality show and I hate reality shows. Look up the facts, the population numbers have actually been declining recently, these people need to get a freakin' life.
The population hasn't been declining, the *rate of population growth* has been declining. Huge f**king difference, and even that only applies to developed countries.
The earth can sustain many more people than it currently has. The real issue is that we're not using resources efficiently, not that the population is too large. Not to say that won't be a problem in the future.
Okay, the world can support more people, but do we really NEED more people? I mean, there are scores of existing kids who could really use caring parents. I don't think it's wrong for people to want to procreate, but there's something to be said for encouraging adoption and responsible family planning.
So what do you have in mind? Contraception and abortion? I agree with you on some degree; it's because people are so obsessed with sex these days- the media glorifies it. Consequently, you have teens running around with kids, venereal diseases, and no way to support the family they didn't want in the first place. If you really want the over-population problem to decrease then tell your children or yourself to have some self restraint and stop copulating (or at least be safe and know the consequences of doing it), unless you people really want to have kids. Hopefully the message will spread and sink in a few centuries later. By then people will stop thinking that terminating a budding human life is a solution to their mistakes and a way to combat the over population issue.
There's a difference between sustain and thrive. Less people = more opportunities and money for you and your loved ones.