I haven't really delved too much into the Twilight bashing that's swept the Internet lately. Part of this is my wariness of nerd-on-nerd violence in general, but perhaps more importantly, I also had no interest in learning anything at all about Twilight. In fact, aside from the barely-legal variety, I don't really have an interest in teenagers either. However when news broke last week of a possible Twilight Massively Multiplayer Game being created, my interest was finally piqued. The idea of a community combining MMO players (sweaty, pale, pathetic) with Twilight fans (pale, pathetic) was too much to pass up. "What a great way to offend millions of people." I said, right before penning this article, which if I got everything right, will offend millions of people. Probably you, in fact. So, you know,
From a gaming perspective, lots of questions are raised by the prospect of a Twilight MMO. Will the game be a conventional World of Warcraft MMORPG, with it's dungeons, monsters and equipment hoarding masses, except now set in the fearsome and epic landscape of western Washington? Or would it be a sort of electronic brothel, with vampires exchanging come-hither looks with werewolves and owls fucking leprechauns, all set in the erotic and sensual landscape of western Washington? What would a "25 man raid" entail exactly?
To find out how a MMO like this would go down with the Twilight community, I decided to ask around in a popular Twilight forum. For the sake of your eyes, I didn't take screenshots of my experiences there. For some reason Twilight fans use forums like they were chatrooms and, as every single person had a 300-pixel tall signature, all of which look like this:
... it would have made this article 65 pages long, broken your monitors and collapsed the Internet into a really stupid singularity. You're welcome. The transcript of my attempts to gather feedback are below. This was all copied verbatim, with the exception of the smileys. If it helps, imagine there's about six-billion of these: scattered throughout.
Robotman!!: Hi everyone.
LoveHamster: -enters and bows-
Tollum: Hi Hamster!
AnonAmoxy: HAY Hamster!
Bella3278: -lifts her leg up and wraps it around Gavin's thigh-
Bella3278: hi hamster
GavinOwnsABoat: -kisses Della passonately, stroking her soft neck with his long fingers-
Robotman!!: Hye guys, I'm writer for a "popular" "website" and I'm trying to get some feedback on what the Twilight community thinks about this new Twilight MMO game that will be coming out. Is this the kind of game you'd play? What would you want or not want to see in a game like this?
LoveHamster: -wiggles his ears-
Bella3278: - nips at Gavin's tongue lightly with her teeth-
ChauncyDragon - Hawt!
Robotman!!: Seriously, what?
RP4EVA: -kiss Gavin-
Tollum: -dances around haiiply-
Robotman!!: Jesus Christ. Have you guys been snorting ramen seasoning?
Bella3278: -tgs at her hair impatiently-
SweetBologna: sdkjlgsyukdvk,ssa OMG
GavinOwnsABoat: -grabs bella by the arm and throws her on the bed-
Robotman!!: WHAT THE APE SHIT ICE CREAM BALLS IS GOING ON HERE?
LoveHamster: La la la!
Robotman!!: STOP IGNORING ME YOU ASS SANDWICH MURDER FIENDS!
At that point I got a private message from GavinOwnsABoat announcing I had been kicked off the forum, and IP-banned. Standing up from my computer, I left my office and walked into the hall. Seconds later, Gladstone came flying out of his office, his eyes damp. He grabbed me by my huge, fashionable lapels and shook me.
"Can you fix my computer? I just got kicked off a forum for no reason!" A terrible sound violated the air, seemingly coming from all directions. It took a few moments before I understood it was Gladstone, vibrating at an incredible speed. I frowned. So they had IP-banned the whole office network. This would be tricky. I walked down the hall to Cracked Editor Jack O'Brien's office and stuck my head in.
"Hey Jack, can I borrow your
iPhone for a bit?"
"Absolutely not," he replied, leaping to his feet with his hands balled into fists, years of experience working with comedy writers having honed his instincts for violence and treachery.
"OK, no problem," I said. Leaving Jack unmolested and deeply confused, I turned and wandered the halls until I found Dan O'Brien. "Hey Dan, can I ask you a favor?"
"Here's Jack's iPhone," he said, handing me Jack's iPhone.
"How did you know I was going to ask you to steal this?" I asked. DOB stared at me blankly, the concept of needing a reason to steal unfamiliar to him. Grateful at this serendipity, I decided to pretend not to notice as DOB undid the clasp on my watch. I didn't mind parting with it: It was fairly inexpensive. But the clasp stymied his fat Irish fingers, and it took rather longer than I'd hoped. I bit my lip and pretended to be interested in the motivational poster management had installed recently.
Finally DOB freed the watch from my wrist. I returned to my office with the iPhone and jumped back into the forum. Armed with the knowledge I'd earned from my last foray, I decided to change tact and try to blend in a little more this time.
BucholzMuffins: LOL E3ward is hawt! >;0
Tollum: I no RIGHT?
BucholzMuffins: S0 h3wt. -crosses his legs sassily-
LoveHamster: Hello Muffins!
AnonAmoxy: -lies on the couch eating berries-
Tollum: -reads a book-
BucholzMuffins: B3lla is beautiful, like a leopard.
BucholzMuffins: Like a sexy girl leopard with tiny breasts.
Tollum: -wants to kiss-
BucholzMuffins: me to friend.
BucholzMuffins: But first what do you think about that new Twilight MMO?
AnonAmoxy: whuts MMO?
BucholzMuffins: Massively Multiplayer Online Game.
Tollum: no g?
LoveHamster: no G!
Tollum: la la la
BucholzMuffins: Hold your shit together fellas, we were finally getting somewhere. It's just MMO. I don't know where the G went. Let's say those fucking werewolves took it.
Tollum: LOL Werewolves are good somtimes!
BucholzMuffins: LoL I KNOW all about werewolves
Turbo. But there will be no hyphen kisses hyphen if you don't tell me what you think of this MMO. I know you're holding out on me, now spill it.
LoveHamster: Do you actually like Twilight or r u just here for MOO?
BucholzMuffins: Hamster, your mom's your sister and your dad was an overly friendly dog. Also, nobody actually likes Twilight.
AnonAmoxy: -comforts Hamster with berries and massages-
Tollum: -Angry Face.-
BucholzMuffins: You should see my face right now dude. I will angryface you right in the fucking ass. I am so pissed off I don't even care what that implies.
At which point I was IP-banned again. I threw Jack's iPhone down on to the floor in disgust. A few seconds later Jack came into my office. "Chris, I was just talking to IT, and..." He saw his iPhone on the floor and snatched it up. He looked at me accusingly.
I silently mouthed the letters "D....O....B" and twirled my finger beside my head in the universal sign for "crazy." Jack nodded. I then made the universal gesture for "fat Irish fingers." Jack nodded again, although he was probably just humoring me that time.
"Look," he said. "I just had to talk Gladstone off the ledge again. And then I just talked to IT. Apparently you're getting our network banned from forums now?"
I explained to Jack that I was working on a super important Twilight MMO story, and that inconveniencing Gladstone was merely an unintended bonus. "Jack, according to statistics,
Twilight fans make up 85 percent of our readership, which means this story will be huge for us if I can land it."
Jack shook his head, confused. "What statistics?"
"Statistics Jack. It's a word you say right before numbers. It means 'this is a fact.'"
"That's not what..."
"Remember who you're talking to Jack. I'm the only one in this office who had a three week complimentary subscription to Newsweek back in college. I've forgotten more about reporting
than I've ever learned." I stood up, picked up my phone and slammed it back down in the cradle. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be at the public library."
On the way to the public library, I stopped at home to put on my Twilight-iest clothes.
At the library, I waited two hours in a lineup of homeless guys for my chance to use the public PC. Eventually I logged back in to the forum with my new alias, ShesGotBettyDavisThighs. I summoned everything I knew about the world of erotica, then dove in.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: -enters, dances like sexy lady wolf-
LoveHamster: HI BETTY!
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: lol, just rote of hot new Twilight stry. WANNA HERE?
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward is lieing in bed with Vera, the beautiful woman from country club. They have had sex and it was beautiful, like hot chicken sandwich on picnic day
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Suddenly a car can be heard in the driveway. Vera says "Oh No." Edward dashes out of bed with sheet rapped aroudn him. His butt is visible and awesome. He looks out window. It is Prescott, important business werewolf and also his uncle.
AnonAmoxy: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward says scared: "Is that your husband?" Vera nods, thinking about chicken sandwich sex with Edward. Edward continues, "But that's also my uncle! Which makes you my aunt!" Vera laughs. They are not blood relatives so it is ok with her. She continues to look at him with chicken sandwich sex in her eyes.
Tollum: I don't think chicken sandiwhhchs are sexy???
LoveHamster: shutup they r
SweetBologna: I am thinking about chicken sandwich right now.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward puts clothes on in a hurry. "Aunt Vera, you mustn't tell my uncle about this. For fucking reasons, but also because I am trying to take over his company from the shitty job he gave me in the mailroom."
GavinOwnsABoat: Hang on.
Bella3278: Edward doesn't have a job! What canon r u using?
GavinOwnsABoat: Your also stealing this exactly from that 80's Michael J. Fox movie.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: FUCK YOU
GavinOwnsABoat: no, you are. that's a scene from The Secret to My Success.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: You know what I think? I think YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE TWILIGHT!!!!
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: If you really liked Twilight you'd like this. Go away Harry Potter fan!
LoveHamster: OMG1 Get outu of heer HARRY POOPER LOVER!
GavinOwnsABoat: BOGGLE. I'm a bigger Twilight fan than you are!
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Oh yeah? Then what's Jacob's favorite sexual positon?
LoveHamster: HE DOESN'T KNOIW!!!!
GavinOwnsABoat: He never says.
"alone, in the bathtub" looser
GavinOwnsABoat: That wasn't in the books!
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Read between the lines LOSER.
Tollum: Go away Gavin. U R NO LONGER WELCOME HER.
GavinOwnsABoat: Screw u guys.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Ok, now that that DumbleDummy is gone, I need you guys to do me a favoir.
LoveHamster: -hugs Betty-
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: If I told you that there was a video game that let you talk to vampires and werewolves and kiss them and pick bugs from their fur and kill normal people and screw like god damned animals, would you play that?
RP4EVA: OMFGHEGJJJYS. yes.
Tollum: HOW DO I PLAY THIS GANME PLEESE HELP ME
AnonAmoxy: definitely -twirls in a happy circle-
LoveHamster: I just came in my pants.
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: HOLY ZOMBIE JESUS, WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT?
ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: By which I mean, "Thank you."
So there you have it. Later some jerk pointed out to me that the announced game was
little more than a student project and was thus decidedly unofficial and unlikely to ever see the light of day. However, if the students in question, or someone with the power to actually make such a game is reading, let me offer the following cautionary words:
No matter what sort of game you create, your users will do nothing with it but rub vampires against one another. You could have incredibly elaborate raids, warehouses full of exotic equipment and deep, balanced gameplay and users will do nothing but rub vampires against one another. You could replace the entire user interface with two buttons that say Grind crotch and OMG and no one would notice. You could map every key on the keyboard to the exclamation mark, and map the exclamation mark to "1" and again, no one would notice. No matter what your intentions might actually be, if you pursue this game you will inevitably make the biggest affront to God since mankind built that huge penis shaped tower to fuck Heaven. Please. Don't.