Why The Rumored 'Twilight' MMO Must be Stopped
I haven't really delved too much into the Twilight bashing that's swept the Internet lately. Part of this is my wariness of nerd-on-nerd violence in general, but perhaps more importantly, I also had no interest in learning anything at all about Twilight. In fact, aside from the barely-legal variety, I don't really have an interest in teenagers either. However when news broke last week of a possible Twilight Massively Multiplayer Game being created, my interest was finally piqued. The idea of a community combining MMO players (sweaty, pale, pathetic) with Twilight fans (pale, pathetic) was too much to pass up. "What a great way to offend millions of people." I said, right before penning this article, which if I got everything right, will offend millions of people. Probably you, in fact. So, you know, heads up. From a gaming perspective, lots of questions are raised by the prospect of a Twilight MMO. Will the game be a conventional World of Warcraft MMORPG, with it's dungeons, monsters and equipment hoarding masses, except now set in the fearsome and epic landscape of western Washington? Or would it be a sort of electronic brothel, with vampires exchanging come-hither looks with werewolves and owls fucking leprechauns, all set in the erotic and sensual landscape of western Washington? What would a "25 man raid" entail exactly? To find out how a MMO like this would go down with the Twilight community, I decided to ask around in a popular
Twilight forum. For the sake of your eyes, I didn't take screenshots of my experiences there. For some reason Twilight fans use forums like they were chatrooms and, as every single person had a 300-pixel tall signature, all of which look like this:
iPhone for a bit?"
"Absolutely not," he replied, leaping to his feet with his hands balled into fists, years of experience working with comedy writers having honed his instincts for violence and treachery.
"OK, no problem," I said. Leaving Jack unmolested and deeply confused, I turned and wandered the halls until I found Dan O'Brien. "Hey Dan, can I ask you a favor?"
"Here's Jack's iPhone," he said, handing me Jack's iPhone.
"How did you know I was going to ask you to steal this?" I asked. DOB stared at me blankly, the concept of needing a reason to steal unfamiliar to him. Grateful at this serendipity, I decided to pretend not to notice as DOB undid the clasp on my watch. I didn't mind parting with it: It was fairly inexpensive. But the clasp stymied his fat Irish fingers, and it took rather longer than I'd hoped. I bit my lip and pretended to be interested in the motivational poster management had installed recently.
... it would have made this article 65 pages long, broken your monitors and collapsed the Internet into a really stupid singularity. You're welcome. The transcript of my attempts to gather feedback are below. This was all copied verbatim, with the exception of the smileys. If it helps, imagine there's about six-billion of these: scattered throughout. _____________ Robotman!!: Hi everyone. LoveHamster: -enters and bows- Tollum: Hi Hamster! AnonAmoxy: HAY Hamster! Bella3278: -lifts her leg up and wraps it around Gavin's thigh- Bella3278: hi hamster GavinOwnsABoat: -kisses Della passonately, stroking her soft neck with his long fingers- GavinOwnsABoat: hamster Robotman!!: Hye guys, I'm writer for a "popular" "website" and I'm trying to get some feedback on what the Twilight community thinks about this new Twilight MMO game that will be coming out. Is this the kind of game you'd play? What would you want or not want to see in a game like this? LoveHamster: -wiggles his ears- RP4EVA: OMGHILARIOUS Tollum: Lol Robotman!!: What Bella3278: - nips at Gavin's tongue lightly with her teeth- ChauncyDragon - Hawt! Robotman!!: Seriously, what? GavinOwnsABoat: _kisses- RP4EVA: -kiss Gavin- Tollum: -dances around haiiply- Robotman!!: Jesus Christ. Have you guys been snorting ramen seasoning? Bella3278: -tgs at her hair impatiently- SweetBologna: sdkjlgsyukdvk,ssa OMG GavinOwnsABoat: Sorry GavinOwnsABoat: -grabs bella by the arm and throws her on the bed- AnonAmoxy: -orgasm- Robotman!!: WHAT THE APE SHIT ICE CREAM BALLS IS GOING ON HERE? Bella3278: ooooooooh LoveHamster: La la la! Robotman!!: STOP IGNORING ME YOU ASS SANDWICH MURDER FIENDS! _______________ At that point I got a private message from GavinOwnsABoat announcing I had been kicked off the forum, and IP-banned. Standing up from my computer, I left my office and walked into the hall. Seconds later, Gladstone came flying out of his office, his eyes damp. He grabbed me by my huge, fashionable lapels and shook me. "Can you fix my computer? I just got kicked off a forum for no reason!" A terrible sound violated the air, seemingly coming from all directions. It took a few moments before I understood it was Gladstone, vibrating at an incredible speed. I frowned. So they had IP-banned the whole office network. This would be tricky. I walked down the hall to Cracked Editor Jack O'Brien's office and stuck my head in. "Hey Jack, can I borrow your
Finally DOB freed the watch from my wrist. I returned to my office with the iPhone and jumped back into the forum. Armed with the knowledge I'd earned from my last foray, I decided to change tact and try to blend in a little more this time. ______________ BucholzMuffins: LOL E3ward is hawt! >;0 Tollum: I no RIGHT? BucholzMuffins: S0 h3wt. -crosses his legs sassily- LoveHamster: Hello Muffins! BucholzMuffins: HIHAMSTER! AnonAmoxy: -lies on the couch eating berries- LoveHamster: LOL! BucholzMuffins: OMGLOL Tollum: -reads a book- BucholzMuffins: B3lla is beautiful, like a leopard. Tollum: -nods- BucholzMuffins: Like a sexy girl leopard with tiny breasts. Tollum: -wants to kiss- BucholzMuffins: me to friend. BucholzMuffins: But first what do you think about that new Twilight MMO? Tollum: ??? LoveHamster: LOL AnonAmoxy: whuts MMO? BucholzMuffins: Massively Multiplayer Online Game. Tollum: no g? LoveHamster: no G! Tollum: la la la BucholzMuffins: Hold your shit together fellas, we were finally getting somewhere. It's just MMO. I don't know where the G went. Let's say those fucking werewolves took it. Tollum: LOL Werewolves are good somtimes! BucholzMuffins: LoL I KNOW all about werewolves
At the library, I waited two hours in a lineup of homeless guys for my chance to use the public PC. Eventually I logged back in to the forum with my new alias, ShesGotBettyDavisThighs. I summoned everything I knew about the world of erotica, then dove in. __________ ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: -enters, dances like sexy lady wolf- GavinOwnsABoat: -claps- LoveHamster: HI BETTY! ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: lol, just rote of hot new Twilight stry. WANNA HERE? AnonAmoxy: OMFGY ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward is lieing in bed with Vera, the beautiful woman from country club. They have had sex and it was beautiful, like hot chicken sandwich on picnic day RP4EVA: YAY ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Suddenly a car can be heard in the driveway. Vera says "Oh No." Edward dashes out of bed with sheet rapped aroudn him. His butt is visible and awesome. He looks out window. It is Prescott, important business werewolf and also his uncle. AnonAmoxy: OMFG AnonAmoxy: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward says scared: "Is that your husband?" Vera nods, thinking about chicken sandwich sex with Edward. Edward continues, "But that's also my uncle! Which makes you my aunt!" Vera laughs. They are not blood relatives so it is ok with her. She continues to look at him with chicken sandwich sex in her eyes. Tollum: I don't think chicken sandiwhhchs are sexy??? LoveHamster: shutup they r SweetBologna: I am thinking about chicken sandwich right now. GavinOwnsABoat: uhhhhhhhh ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Edward puts clothes on in a hurry. "Aunt Vera, you mustn't tell my uncle about this. For fucking reasons, but also because I am trying to take over his company from the shitty job he gave me in the mailroom." GavinOwnsABoat: Hang on. Bella3278: Edward doesn't have a job! What canon r u using? GavinOwnsABoat: Your also stealing this exactly from that 80's Michael J. Fox movie. ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: FUCK YOU GavinOwnsABoat: no, you are. that's a scene from The Secret to My Success. ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: You know what I think? I think YOU DON'T REALLY LIKE TWILIGHT!!!! GavinOwnsABoat: What? ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: If you really liked Twilight you'd like this. Go away Harry Potter fan! LoveHamster: OMG1 Get outu of heer HARRY POOPER LOVER! GavinOwnsABoat: BOGGLE. I'm a bigger Twilight fan than you are! ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Oh yeah? Then what's Jacob's favorite sexual positon? GavinOwnsABoat: What? LoveHamster: HE DOESN'T KNOIW!!!! GavinOwnsABoat: He never says. ShesGotBettyDavisThighs: Its