Dave Grohl, frontman of the Foo Fighters, former drummer for Nirvana, is widely regarded as the nicest guy in rock, and also the rockingest guy in nicety. Courtney Love is widely regarded as being Courtney Love. The two do not like each other. Every few years she pops up to slag Grohl, claiming he hit on her, for example, as well as hitting on her daughter or --most relevant to this comic -- was jealous of her due to his attraction to Kurt.

Somebody had to draw this book, solicit it, deliver it to retailers, market it to readers ... that's a lot of effort just to say "Yeah? Well you're GAY!" to a guy you haven't talked to in 20 years. That goes well beyond commitment. Then again, it's a manga about loving Japanese Kurt Cobain. For better or for worse, half-assing any aspect of this isn't an option.

Tokyopop
We look forward to Dave Grohl's inevitable team-up story with Naruto.

It doesn't matter that nothing in that song pairs well with a comic about a man who shoots people in the back. In Gibson's world, every project is a thread in a branded Tyrese tapestry.

Image Comics
Can any of us really say he's wrong?

The premise:

Originally called "The Enforcer" before someone realized a watered-down Punisher needs at least an amped-up name, Mayhem's superpower is "owns guns and knives." The plot is pretty simple: In Los Angeles, a gangster named Big X is killing a truly questionable amount of people. Mayhem, the "embodiment of vengeance and raw justice," and his "sexy" partner Malice ("sexy" is enough of a character trait for women in comic books) are the only ones who can take down Big X and his organization.

Image Comics
You'll never guess her secret -- because you'll never try.

Oh, right. Malice is also his sister. I'd keep it quiet too if the first word that came to mind for my sister was "sexy." Also, Big X is their dad and he used them as children to kill a rival in a convoluted plan that ignored the fact that he employs hitmen.

Crazypants rating: 8.75

Comics are like jazz: an American art form many people praise but few spend money on. The comics industry is led by a few major comic stores (the club owners, if you want to stick to the jazz analogy). Retailers confer to avoid costly pre-order mistakes. Which is why Brian Hibbs, proprietor of Comix Experience in San Francisco, explained why he didn't expect the title to be a hit.

Image Comics
I mean DJs from around the world have hardly any idea how to remix it.

Gibson called Hibbs for advice on how to push the book better. Unfortunately, the actor then went on Twitter and told all his followers (Gibsonites? Tyrese's Pieces?) to call Comix Experience and ask for the book. Sadly, the store was hosting a 20th Anniversary event and already flooded with calls from people trying to buy tickets for a Neil Gaiman signing. Now, real customers couldn't get through to buy tickets, because Comix Experience's phone lines were tied up selling Mayhem!. Over the phone. Oh, and they lost profit on most of the books by shipping them across the country. There's also evidence that a lot of the stock was purchased by Gibson or people close to him, trying to make his comic look popular. My advice: They could have fixed the whole situation by just hiring Gaiman to write Gibson's book.

Soon after, the book's own marketing director quit and then actively marketed against it, calling the book's spectacle "unauthorized snake-oil tactics." And that's not just some guy out to make a buck who found his conscience. That's Percy Carey, whose autobiographical comic Sentences: The Life Of MF Grimm got nominated for comics' top awards, the Eisners. And until the Eisners add a category for "Comic Book Most Likely To Have Tyrese Gibson Fans Calling Incessantly About It", Mayhem! will remain amazingly unrewarded.

Vertigo
That one you should buy, though.

Gathering the other gods, Zeus faces off against Prometheus The Titan and the Gorgons. The art is pretty good! Other than Wonder Woman and Greek Street undertaking this exact premise of "gods in modern life" at the exact same time, nothing really went wrong here, story-wise. Chiklis-wise, however ...

Crazypants rating: 5

Chiklis seems like a happy and humble dude on his webpage. Also, he's Vic Mackey, and if I was stranded out in a blizzard, thinking of one day watching The Shield again would be my Little Match Girl moment. So, I'm saving all my bile for people who stand on the left-hand side of the escalator.

The kookiness here lies totally in the fact that the character design gives so little shit about the amount of Michael Chiklis likeness going on. Between "Eh, that might be Michael Chiklis or it might just be some bald guy in jeans" and "Yep, that's definitely Michael Chiklis," Zeus falls somewhere around "I think we can stop pretending that this isn't Michael Chiklis beating the crap out of any supporting character that cops an attitude with him."

IDW
Michael Chiklis conjuring seated electricity in the middle of a random library aisle? Move over, Spider-Man.

Michael Chiklis being Michael Chiklis is all the wish fulfillment fantasy that Michael Chiklis needs. So I doubt that seeing himself tussling with every asshole from Ares to Taraxippus is something that really rocked his world. But we don't need to pretend that he's Zeus. As far as I'm concerned, Pantheon is the story of what happens when a normal person like you or I happens to run into Michael Chiklis: Pure Chiklisian magic. And no amount of mythology can properly capture that.

IDW
A simple game of Chiklis-Snakes-Lightning could've told you that Snakes beat Lightning.

Second, this is a comic about Chris Cosentino catching a serial killer despite his bungling sidekick Wolverine, as written by Chris Cosentino. His superpower is being true to himself, flaws and all, and frankly, we could use more superheroes who teach lessons like that. But that doesn't make this not fanfiction that cost Marvel five figures to print.

Third, there's a whole page in here of Cosentino berating a guy for being vegetarian. I too have made my bacon by writing in praise of meat, but adding this scene is like forcing Captain America to constantly remind readers that Canadian money looks weird. And it isn't just Cosentino:

Marvel
Your shit literally doesn't stink?

Finally, this comic was written in six hours. That's not even enough time to barbecue a pork shoulder, let alone write 22 pages. But we can't really judge. When your story idea is about how cool Wolverine thinks you are, it's either written in a blind, furious passion, or not at all.

First up: Kevin "Diesel" Nash is a veteran wrestler and legit comic reader who seems like a pretty alright dude. I could devote this entire entry to him jumping out of helicopters and just obscene amounts of fucking ...

Image Comics
What is that multi-pronged thing under the sheets?

... but that wouldn't do justice to the real insanity of wrestlers writing their own comics. That award goes to the Ultimate Warrior.

The premise:

Hulk Hogan might have embodied our 1980s jingoism and barely concealed racism, but The Ultimate Warrior was the manifestation of America's penchant for cocaine.

The man behind the character read enough philosophy and ... probably some texts or epic poetry about ancient heroes to formulate his own mythology. They didn't make sense, but they were clearly based on some real material. Which raises the scarier question: What if he never touched drugs at all and was driven mad by his ascent into a demi-godhood? It was never clear how much of it he was personally espousing and how much was the character. Kayfabe, y'all.

Crazypants rating: 10 to the ULTIMATE POWER!

We've previously mentioned the pin-up where Santa met the Ultimate Warrior, an encounter that, for lack of a better phrase, didn't go well.

Ultimate Comics
You're welcome for this.

But judging these books based on that is not really fair to Warrior, since he didn't design those pinups. What he did do was script the main story of Warrior, and boy is that a weird one. It's four issues of Warrior floating in a nether-realm called Destrucity: which is both where he comes from and a true warrior's state of mind. Warrior first becomes himself, battling his own costume, and eventually his evil twin. All of which is shown to be the dreams of a Warrior in a coma.

Ultimate Comics
You can't prove it isn't the inspiration for Alan Moore's Promethea.

To enumerate everything insane in this comic took a whole article, but suffice you to know that Warrior punches his inner child to death. At another point, he kills two snakes in a reference to his rebirth as Hercules. Like I said, this comic is insane, but it's not uneducated. And if your scale of greatness goes from "Ultimate" to "WARRIOR," it might be the greatest thing that the comic medium has ever produced.

If we're being honest, about half of Brendan's comics are weird and bad too. If you'd rather read a sane comic book written by and starring an actress, No Angel's a good one.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex.

On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn', onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think.

Get your tickets here.

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