Video Game Zoology: How 5 8-Bit Characters Would Really Look
Successful video game franchises go through several iterations, and over time their characters are forced to visually evolve to keep pace with the increased graphic capabilities of the new consoles. As the limitations to character creation change--colors to textures, pixels to polygons--new designers update the appearance of classical game characters as they see them. Oftentimes with positive results: There can be little doubt that the main characters from River City Ransom, for example, were probably not intended to resemble boiled hot dogs with fists and widow's peaks. But sometimes the new visual interpretations get it wrong. By using deductive reasoning and an honest review of the information the games themselves give us, we can figure out how these five classic video game characters were really meant to look, and why (hint: It's because they were all goatshit crazy).
Please try to avoid picturing Mega Man deep-throating this.The non-gun hand is often interpreted as a balled fist, but another quick glance at the sprite itself will quickly disprove this theory: The "hand" in question is clearly a tapering shape that bends up and forward, reaching out from the forearm. This "hand" is probably something akin to a lobster-like fleshy claw in actuality. This makes design sense as well, as it would be ideal for crude grappling, and capable of the crushing force a hunter/killer robot would need to pierce armor plating. By looking at the original sprite, one can also see that he apparently has a floppy blue dong on his helmet. The relevance of this last fact is debatable, but just try to unsee it.
Link from The Legend of Zelda
Supplementary Information: The female of the Pac-Man species is often distinguished by the adorable "bow" on her head. This is another case of dangerous anthropomorphization: The "bow" as we call it, is actually a brightly colored crest. Bright colors and elaborate appendages in nature are often a warning sign to potential predators that the animal is venomous, and to stay away. Nature expert R. DeVoe, formerly of the New Edition Digest, famously authored a report on this phenomenon in an expose published in the early 90s, where he also warned of the female's deviousness by insisting that the creature's elongated teeth, substantial girth and streamlined anterior were all further indicators that one should be wary. This was the "Never Trust a Big Butt and a Smile" system of threat identification as outlined in his greater "That Girl is Poison" treatise.
*Mr. DeVoe was assisted in his research by the esteemed Dr. Biv and Prof. Bel of the New Jack Swing University.
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