Why Patrick Swayze Was The Second Best Movie Star Ever
On September 14, 2009, the world lost Patrick Swayze. During his 30-year acting career, he played the role of a Commie-killing high school football player, dancer, Civil War soldier, bouncer, surfing bank robber, ghost, transvestite, trucker, Allan Quartermain, singing cartoon dog and pedophile. To put that kind of versatility into perspective, fellow actor Steven Segal has starred in 417 movies and played a Steven Segal 417 times. Steven Segal couldn't play a pedophile if he was a pedophile. Patrick Swayze was a musician with a top 10 hit and People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive in 1991. This was back before they gave it to Ben Affleck and the award meant something. But what a lot of people don't realize is that Swayze was also the Second Greatest Film Star of All Time, and not in any kind of subjective way-- it's basic science. Almost every movie he starred in was the second best of a particular genre. Let's look at the facts: Before we begin, cut out and wear your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles. My manufacturer had some problems processing my last minute order, but luckily 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles should be compatible with the Official Jean-Claude Van Damme Data Decoding Funglasses you already own. Calibrate your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles now. Turn up the Road House settings of your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can clearly see the image below.
Swayze starred in...
The Second Best Dancing Movie of All Time: Dirty Dancing
We owe a lot to Dirty Dancing. It was a runaway hit that changed the way people communicated with the language of dance. After this movie came out, the phrase, "Excuse me, would you care to dance," could be substituted with approaching a woman and intensely rubbing your dick against her leg. I skipped a lot of health classes, but that's win/win for everybody, right?
What was the #1 dance movie?
Even though Patrick Swayze and Dirty Dancing made premature ejaculation into a cute icebreaker, Footloose is still a better movie. It was about a town that tried to preserve its moral structure by outlawing dance. If you were on the city council of the Footloose town, your eyeballs couldn't even register how filthy Dirty Dancing is. It would just look like a teen ovary being attacked by dildos and robots. Adjust your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to see a scene from Dirty Dancing as the characters from Footloose do.
Swayze starred in...
The Second Best Cold War Movie of all Time: Red Dawn
Like everyone who was a kid in 1984, my parents were paranoid gun owners--positive that any day now, the Russians were going to paradrop into our backyard. Back then, people used to fantasize about Soviet invasions like people fantasize about zombie apocalypses today. And Red Dawn was like every fantasy come true. If my parents hadn't kept me so busy reloading spent bullet cartridges, I could have practically masturbated to it. It was about Soviets and Cubans invading Colorado and getting all their Communist shit fucked up by Swayze and a group of high school guerrilla fighters. They even called themselves Wolverines just so they'd have something awesome to scream after they killed Spetsnaz commandos. Between the years of 1984 to 1986, the farm belt went ahead and replaced all crop-generating fields with dick measuring stations because America could live entirely on Red Dawn.
What was the #1 Cold War movie?