In 1992, ‘Hare Jordan’ launched an onscreen friendship between the basketball star and the cartoon icon. It also set in motion the way advertisers still think about how to make funny spots for the Big Game
Summer after summer, Hollywood trots out disaster survival movies filled with natural horrors like asteroids, volcanoes, twisters and Helen Hunt. But I ask you: where's the reality? Where's the gritty, in-your face truth? I want a disaster survival movie that smacks of honesty, of the here and now.
I want a disaster survival movie about being trapped in an elevator.
Imagine the pulse-stopping terror: a mother and daughter cleaning team, stuck for the weekend in an elevator. No cell phones, and no food except for two cough drops and six aspirin tablets. Can cannibalism be far behind?
And this is no ordinary stopped elevator. This elevator is on
the bottom floor. Of a two-story building! There’s literally thousands of pounds of mortar and cement piled above them, just waiting to collapse!
The story’s got everything:
A fiery Latina mom-and-daughter pair.
Human endurance in the face of overwhelming odds.
Going to the bathroom in a corner.
Plus, the production costs are basically nil, leaving you free to devote all of your budget to landing the big-name star that’s going to make being trapped in an elevator over the weekend the Oscar-bait it’s meant to be. May I suggest Selma Hayek?
And remember, just because it’s based on a true story doesn’t mean you can’t take some artistic liberties. Maybe the elevator is haunted. Maybe the mother and daughter are also long-lost siblings. Hell, maybe the building has
three stories! That, or the whole thing’s in danger of being obliterated by a nearby volcano.
Get on this, Hollywood. It’s another guaranteed box office winner. I mean, imagine how cathartic it will be for audiences when they relive the women’s rescue at the hands of a courageous employee of the building who cleverly “overheard them yelling and called a rescue crew.” You can’t write stuff like that!
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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