We Fantasy Cast The New Mario Bros, You're Welcome, Nintendo
There are rumblings of a new Super Mario Bros. movie in the works! Fans of the original movie rejoice. Wait ... are there fans of the original movie? It has a 15 percent Rotten Tomatoes score, and the top five-star review on Amazon is titled "Not A Very Good Movie."
If you've never seen the 1993 Super Mario Bros., all you need to know is that a lot of liberties were taken with the Mario mythology. It was a dark, gritty version of Mario that drew inspiration from Mad Max (I'm not joking), and it involved dinosaur people who lived in an alternate universe in a city called Dinohattan. Get it? Wink.
As the age of a new Mario approaches, we at Cracked feel that we can do Mario better justice. So we took the liberty of casting a new Mario movie on Nintendo's behalf.
Nick Offerman is Mario. We're going for less of an "It's-a me, Mario!" situation and more, "Yeah, yeah. It is me. Mario." Since the original movie and video games are kind of a sausage fest, we're gender-swapping Luigi to Louisa, and she's going to be played by Amy Poehler. Please hold your applause until the end of the article. The role of Toad will be staunchly method acted by Danny DeVito. And though it's kind of a downgrade for a woman who is the queen of the world, who better to play Princess Peach than Beyonce?
That will be the main cast, but of course, we're going to have minor appearances by some of your other favorite Mario characters. The villains will be Wario and Waluigi, portrayed by John Goodman and Doug Jones, respectively. We wanted to cast a famous dog as Yoshi, but we couldn't think of any that weren't currently dead (RIP famous dogs), so we decided to throw Josh Gad in that role, because you fucking know he's going to get in there somehow.
Now that we're getting down to cameos, here are some more people we feel contractually obligated to put in this movie. The Rock will play a gender-swapped Daisy. Vanilla Ice will play himself in a scene that will try to make you laugh but will mostly just make you sad. And Kevin James will play King Boo.
The end credit sequence (which will set up the inevitable sequel) will reveal Kevin Hart as Kamek. The sequel will be called Super Mario Bros: It's Yoshi's Island And Mostly Stars Josh Gad Now Because He Said We Had To.
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