The World Of Tomorrow (If They Shut Off The Internet)
United States Senator and occasional Villain Joe Lieberman recently proposed a bill which would grant the President the power to shut down the Internet. This so called "kill switch" would be used to protect U.S. national interests in the event of some kind of Internet emergency, presumably something to do with Skynet or some kind of super Napster. Controversially, this kill switch could be activated unilaterally, regardless of the harm done to businesses or private users in the U.S. and around the world. Obviously the implications of such a plan are frightening, and it would be irresponsible for Cracked not to haphazardly slap together an article which farts around the main issues and infuriates people with its cavalier attitude. We take our lack of responsibility seriously. To best analyze the implications of this hilarious violation of our rights, we decided that the best thing to do would be to send me, Cracked's hardiest writer, through time, to visit a future where this kill switch had been created and activated. This kind of solution is actually pretty straight forward for Cracked, as we've had access to an operating time machine since 1915, when Cracked family scion Theodore Krakt (and his friend Bill) were visited by a time traveler from the future, who provided them with a time traveling phone booth to help them pass an important history test. We don't use it much though, partly because our powers (making references to 80s toys) are nearly useless in every era other than this one, but also because nearly every person who has stepped foot in it has ended up murdering their grandfather. Down in the basement of the Cracked Labs I found the phone booth under a pile of back issues of one of our failed magazines. Digging it out, I stepped in, took a deep breath, and inserted a quarter. Punching 2014 into the dial pad, I closed the door and waited. A loud *FLUP* sound announced the opening of the Orifice of Time, and seconds later the phone booth confidently dropped through it. Shortly thereafter, I arrived at my destination, the year 2014. I opened the door cautiously and took a sniff of the air. The odor of burning flesh--but less strong than usual for L.A. Was something wrong? Creeping up the stairs, I entered the lobby of Cracked Tower. Half of the windows were blasted out, the wind howling through them spookily. Clearly something awful had happened here. I mean, something really awful--twice as awful as the awful things we regularly engineered to happen here. Behind me, the sound of crunching glass. I turned, startled, to see a weary man wearing a beard which looked like it was attacking and subsuming a smaller beard. "Dan? Dan O'Brien? Is that you?" I asked, staring at him. He returned my gaze with a look best described as "glassy," before shaking his head. "My name is Xavier. Xavier Thrust. I'm the Chief Editor of Cracked." "I'm sorry. It's just that you look a lot like Dan O'Brien." He nodded. "I should. Dan O'Brien was my father." "Your father!" I blurted, stunned. "What year is this? I thought I set that thing to 2014." "It is 2014." "But how?" "It's The Future.