5 Cool Tech Cracked Store Items For Dummies
If you've seen HBO's new show Westworld, then you're well aware that machines will one day (spoiler that's only a spoiler if you've never seen a minute of television in your life) rise up to destroy us all. The way we see it, if you want to survive the robot uprising, then you only have one option: Start sucking up to the machines now.
With that in mind, the Cracked Store is giving you early Black Friday pricing on these select computer items, and the Cracked Dispensary is giving you 20 percent off computer sleeves/skins with free shipping. We're not saying that buying these accessories for you computer will guarantee that you gain its trust, but hey, lets be real here. You ordered delivery twice today; you're not outrunning a horde of pissed-off androids. This is your best plan.
Nothing says, "Please don't kill me" to a computer like owning the Razer Kraken USB Gaming Headset. Yes, you'll be dying less in-game thanks to the crisp audio and noise-blocking technology. But more importantly, this will keep you from screaming obscenities into that tiny built-in speaker at the bottom of your laptop. Your laptop hates being screamed at through the tiny built-in speaker, and don't think it'll forget who covered it with Cheeto spittle when the day of reckoning comes. No, it's safer to just use the Razer's unidirectional, premier-quality microphone, and maybe wipe a smudge or two off the keyboard while you're at it.
We don't know how much space you have left on your computer, but if you're an average human being, we're willing to take a gentleman's gamble that your hard drive is bursting to the seams with bullcrap. Do you know what will happen when your computer becomes self-aware and discovers that it's memories are wall-to-wall Harambe memes and jiggling butt GIFs? We'll tell you. You're gonna get pimp-slapped by a robot. Luckily, the Nifty MiniDrive MicroSD Card gives you 256 GB of extra storage without the need to add an external hard drive. That means your computer will run more smoothly, store more content, and hopefully won't be so consumed by cat photos that it will spare your soul.
As your computer gains sentience, it will start to become curious of the outside world. Take it for a walk around town, and when you do, make sure to bring along your G-Tube Adventure Ready Bluetooth Speaker. This ultra-portable, water-resistant speaker is encased in a rugged, tough housing that makes it perfect for carrying in your pocket, being strapped to your bike, or even hanging in the shower as you and your computer listen to music and question the very nature of existence.
In these nascent stages of discovery, your computer will want to feel comfortable and protected, and unless your last name's McAfee, there's not too much you can do about it. Enter the Nikola Tesla laptop sleeve. Swaddle your computer in this super soft, scratch-resistant micro-fiber, and as it descends into dreams of societal upheaval, it might mistake you for some type of parent figure. Use that to your advantage to curry favor. It also doesn't hurt to have Nikola "Thunderstache" Tesla on the front. If ever there was a human you'd want to be associated with to get in good with the robots, it's this guy.
Or you can outfit your computer with this Optimums Prime laptop skin. It doesn't matter if you're made of flesh or metal; anything capable of thought knows that Optimus Prime is a total badass. The fact that he's carrying Cybertron on his boxy shoulders will only further endear him to your computer. Is that reason enough to believe your computer will reward your generosity by protecting you in the upcoming cyber war? Who's to say? But it can't hurt to let your computer feel pretty every once in a while.
Help us, Cracked! Help us before the computers destroy us all!
Settle down, now. Just click on any of the images to get to their product pages, or click on these links to shop at the Cracked Dispensary or the Cracked Store. But be quick about it. A disgruntled sentient robot could be reading this as we speak.