The New iPod Shuffle Will Make Your Penis Look Huge
My iPod, a slick 60 gig red and black number, recently had its fifth birthday. I took the opportunity to brag to all of my friends about how long my iPod has lasted, and how it will never ever break.
Naturally, the God I don't believe in took this (and maybe the me not believing in him stuff) as a challenge, and sent a gust of angelic wind to rip "Broken Arrow" from my hands just as I was about to lock in Air's "Talky Walky," my favorite going downstairs music. Tragically, I was going downstairs at the time.
A series of heartbreaking sounds followed: First, the sounds of my little man bouncing blithely down each stone step of our apartment building and into the street. Seconds later, as I cradled his injured frame in my arms, came the horrific clicking sound of his hard drive’s death rattle, like a thousand hearts shattering in unison.
And finally, nothing but silence. A grim, dire silence couched in the whistle of a summer breeze blowing as if to remind me that there actually is a world outside my headphones. I’m telling you, it was terrible.
So I’ve been iPod-less for a few weeks now, and singing loudly wherever I go is starting to get tiresome, especially since I only know like half the words to most songs and just kind of improv. But the sad fact is, I can’t afford a new 60 gig. At least, not without cashing in some of my stocks, and I’m kind of waiting for my WaMu shares to rally a bit first.
In the meantime, I spend a lot of my day scrolling up and down Apple's website, debating with myself about whether to buy one of them fancy new iPod Shuffles
M: First of all, never use the word “modifier” in that context again. Secondly, the thing’s got some serious flaws. For starters it only holds 1,000 songs. That’s basically just the Elvis Costello folder. You really want to jog along to “Shipbuilding”? It’s fucking depressing.
AM:
AM: Easy. You just press the button on your headphone cord once to pause, once to play, twice to skip ahead, three times to scan ahead—
M: I thought it was twice and hold.
AM: No, I think that’s to scan backwards. Or access your playlists. Oh no wait, to access playlists you beat it against your face.
M: What if you want to reshuffle?
AM:
M: But if the buttons are on the headphone cable, that means I have to use those shitty Apple earbuds, right? The ones that hurt my ears after 10 minutes and sound like crap strained through a speaker?
AM: Well, maybe that’s what you deserve for having such misshapen ears, you hideous freak.
M: I’m still not convinced.
AM: But it talks to you! It says the names of the songs, right in your ear. How cool is that?
M: As cool as it was 14 years ago when my Apple II did it.
AM: But now you’ll always know what song is playing! No more tedious waiting for the chorus or a recognizable riff! No more confusion! No more fear! And just look at it. Look at it in that guy’s hand. It’s so tiny! If you hold that thing next to your dick it’d look like a goddamned anaconda.
M:
When not transcribing thought, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
