The New iPod Shuffle Will Make Your Penis Look Huge
My iPod, a slick 60 gig red and black number, recently had its fifth birthday. I took the opportunity to brag to all of my friends about how long my iPod has lasted, and how it will never ever break. Naturally, the God I don't believe in took this (and maybe the me not believing in him stuff) as a challenge, and sent a gust of angelic wind to rip "Broken Arrow" from my hands just as I was about to lock in Air's "Talky Walky," my favorite going downstairs music. Tragically, I was going downstairs at the time. A series of heartbreaking sounds followed: First, the sounds of my little man bouncing blithely down each stone step of our apartment building and into the street. Seconds later, as I cradled his injured frame in my arms, came the horrific clicking sound of his hard drive’s death rattle, like a thousand hearts shattering in unison. And finally, nothing but silence. A grim, dire silence couched in the whistle of a summer breeze blowing as if to remind me that there actually is a world outside my headphones. I’m telling you, it was terrible. So I’ve been iPod-less for a few weeks now, and singing loudly wherever I go is starting to get tiresome, especially since I only know like half the words to most songs and just kind of improv. But the sad fact is, I can’t afford a new 60 gig. At least, not without cashing in some of my stocks, and I’m kind of waiting for my WaMu shares to rally a bit first. In the meantime, I spend a lot of my day scrolling up and down Apple's website, debating with myself about whether to buy one of them fancy new iPod Shuffles to tide me over. The debate goes something like this: ME: Alright brain: the new iPod Shuffle. Let’s think the shit out of it. ALSO ME: What’s to think about? Click buy right now and you could be grooving to Marley and the Wailers in your underwear this time tomorrow. M: Look, I know, I know! It sounds appealing, but let’s think this through. We don’t want a repeat of the Abdo-er debacle. AM: But it’s new, and it’s from Apple! It’ll raise your social status modifier like three points. M: First of all, never use the word “modifier” in that context again. Secondly, the thing’s got some serious flaws. For starters it only holds 1,000 songs. That’s basically just the Elvis Costello folder. You really want to jog along to “Shipbuilding”? It’s fucking depressing.
AM: Just put “Solsbury Hill” on there on repeat and you’re good to go. You know this. We’ve been through this.
M: It doesn’t even have any buttons!
AM: Get with the times, gramps. The world of tomorrow is all about smooth, featureless steel without personality or character. Didn’t you see Minority Report?
M: There’s no screen, no interface, nothing. How do you even pick your songs?
AM: Easy. You just press the button on your headphone cord once to pause, once to play, twice to skip ahead, three times to scan ahead—
When not transcribing thought, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!