The Most Insanely Violent Cartoon Ever (Is About the Bible)
Like many Americans, I celebrate Christmas each year despite being non-religious. For me, this mostly involves watching Die Hard on repeat and drinking Whiskeynog until I forget that I am not now, nor can ever be a Bruce Willis (or even an Argyle). But this year, I'm doing things differently. This year, I'm going to put away my prejudices, and learn a little about the religion that brought us this joyous occasion. This year, I'm actually going to study up on Christianity, using the most effective and distinguished tools I know: late night cartoons on TBN.
...and you're sweeter than the honey from the beeeees / Well, except for the animal burning spreeeeees!
Then it's pretty much just a blurry mess of death and pain as Samson vows and revows revenge (Jesus, maybe the Philistine's should've checked the fine print and seen that Samson only issues Compound Vengeance). Here he is vowing revenge for the Philistine's revenge, and then
Come on, kids! You know the words: Gouged out his eeeyyeeeess!
Samson is humiliated, and brought low before the Philistines. In desperation, he apologizes for straying from God's path (although wait, when was he on it? The first thing we see him do is bodyslam a lion, and then execute 31 different flavors of genocide) and in return, God restores his strength. Which Samson promptly uses to pull down the entire Philistine temple on the worshippers' heads. Sure, they're rotten Philistines -- corrupt and wicked -- and they deserved it. That's in the Bible. You can't just omit that part.What you could have omitted, though, was the distinct, pained scream of a little girl right as the stones start to fall: That call was totally in your hands, Greatest Heroes. And while the logical, rational parts of my brain want to condemn you for slipping such subtle cues of despair and tragedy into an upbeat children's cartoon, a much larger part of my cerebral cortex is standing up right now and slow clapping the sheer balls of it. What massive stones it must have taken to look at this scene and say: "Looks great, Doug, really good job on the mixing. All it's missing is the death cry of a six year old girl. So just go ahead and slap that on in there and let's hit the T.G.I. Friday's. I am going to absolutelyBOOM. CREDITS.
Th... that was it? That was the moral summation?"Samson died, but he killed way more dudes there at the end than he ever did before, so it was all cool."At this point, I feel like I should demand something of
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you could just kill some Philistines. They're a notoriously fragile race, apparently. Motherfucker can't even skip rope in this bitch without accidentally cappin' a Philistine.
For more horrifying discoveries from Robert, check out Secondhand Nightmares: 10 Horrifying Thrift Store Finds and The 7 Creepiest Real-Life Robots.