The Most Efficient Way to Do ... Everything
Let's face it: We are tragically ineffective people. Don't try to deny it. You're reading Cracked right now instead of doing literally anything else; that's proof enough right there. Luckily the Internet, the primary cause of our efficiency deficiency, might also be the cure: I've found as many quick, easy methods to streamline your life as I could threaten Google into giving me. And so you're sure there's actual merit to all of these practices, I'll also be testing them out first. Hopefully nothing goes horribly awry here, though even money says I somehow end up in prison again.
Day 1:Most Efficient Way to Sleep Let's start with the biggest time-waster of all: sleep. Every night, you have to bend to Big Slumber's twisted whims, sacrificing perfectly good video game and pornography time just to lay completely motionless in week-old laundry for eight hours. We need to gut sleep like the little bitch it is, and for that, we turn to something called polyphasic sleeping. The basic idea is that there are five stages to normal sleep, but only one of those is actually important: the REM phase, where dreaming happens. By cutting out the chaff, you can shake down your brain until it gives up and learns to slip directly into REM sleep the second you close your eyes, thus streamlining the process. It's basically mugging the shit out of your own mind, and then pilfering the sweet dream-meats within while it lies beaten and bloody on the floor. There are several types of polyphasic schedules, but for the purposes of this test, I will be using the Uberman system, which consists of sleeping only 20 minutes per session, once every four hours.
Uberman: Terrorize your brain.
Day 2:Most Efficient Way to Stir LiquidsAccording to the Japanese, everything you've done today, you've done completely wrong. Those people are to efficiency what Wade Boggs is to whatever it is Wade Boggs does -- some kind of marsh monster, I'm assuming? Like the secret identity of Swamp Thing? Shit, I don't know: Sleep deprivation is making it kind of hard to focus. Anyway,
Eat shit and die, conventional stirring.For those of us who frequently stir powders into our drinks and the drinks of others, this method could save literally
Which, when coupled with a drastic increase in introduction rates, leads to something I call "the efficiency seizures."In short: takes effect sooner, lasts longer. Technically, this works on all amphetamines, but of course a quick Google search tells me Adderall is the most widely available legal one, so let's all just assume that's the thing I'm stirring into my Grape Kool-Aid every other hour.
... w-what is this, witchcraft? I don't- Listen, I don't have time for this. The website says you do this shit:"
Day 3:The Most Efficient Way to Drink
Alone.I have found the Uberman schedule to be astoundingly effective, and if a few of the neighborhood cats want to give me disturbing orders as a side effect, so be it! However, I find myself, if anything, a bit
Step 1: Cut a thin slit around the circumference of the potato.Step 2: Boil until soft.Step 3: Plunge into a bowl of ice water for 10 seconds.Step 4: Grasp skin by each end, and pull off.Step 5: Become the thing you fear.
Day 4:Most Efficient Way to MoveWalking is proving impossible, and I assume that's because I've become too efficient to do things any way less than optimally. I have sown the Google, and reaped this:
Day 5:Most Efficient Way to Boil WaterDid you know that
Day 6:Most Efficient Way to ThinkThinking is a boulder I can no longer push up this hill. I type now only because somebody (a mad man, perhaps?) told these fingers to start, and now they won't stop. I pray for the brief moments of respite that periods grant me. They are an oasis of relief in a desert of empty, worthless words. I need some help figuring a way out of this mess, and so I turn to
In Conclusion:What? Dude, I don't know. I've just slept for 65 hours, and I do not know where I am. I suspect it is a Denny's, by the sheer volume of palpable sadness and pancakes. I have no idea what all of this was for; I just wanted to tie my shoes faster. That's all. Just shave a minute or so from my footwear routine. Now I'm looking at like ... like some kind of Bizarro map to Candyland tattooed on my chest? I don't want to make too many assumptions here. The last ... however many days have passed (I think I burnt the part of my brain responsible for comprehending time) is naught but a series of rapid, disturbing still images, devoid of context or morality -- like attending a slideshow where your parents have accidentally mixed up their amateur porn with the vacation photos. But it's this section here in the upper left that's really troubling me. Listen, don't say anything out loud -- the place may be bugged -- but if, at some point during my disappearance, the actor Judge Reinhold has suddenly died from mysterious ass-related injuries, blink twice.Wait, no, blink once; more efficient.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you could not do any of those things at all, for efficiency's sake.
For more from Brockway, check out 5 Most Terrifyingly Homoerotic Japanese Music Videos and 5 Products That Allow You to Master Your Dreams.