The Most Efficient Way to Do ... Everything
Let's face it: We are tragically ineffective people. Don't try to deny it. You're reading Cracked right now instead of doing literally anything else; that's proof enough right there. Luckily the Internet, the primary cause of our efficiency deficiency, might also be the cure: I've found as many quick, easy methods to streamline your life as I could threaten Google into giving me. And so you're sure there's actual merit to all of these practices, I'll also be testing them out first. Hopefully nothing goes horribly awry here, though even money says I somehow end up in prison again.
Let's start with the biggest time-waster of all: sleep. Every night, you have to bend to Big Slumber's twisted whims, sacrificing perfectly good video game and pornography time just to lay completely motionless in week-old laundry for eight hours. We need to gut sleep like the little bitch it is, and for that, we turn to something called
Most Efficient Way to Sleep
Uberman: Terrorize your brain.
Day 2:Most Efficient Way to Stir LiquidsAccording to the Japanese, everything you've done today, you've done completely wrong. Those people are to efficiency what Wade Boggs is to whatever it is Wade Boggs does -- some kind of marsh monster, I'm assuming? Like the secret identity of Swamp Thing? Shit, I don't know: Sleep deprivation is making it kind of hard to focus. Anyway,
Eat shit and die, conventional stirring.For those of us who frequently stir powders into our drinks and the drinks of others, this method could save literally dozens of seconds every month! Hey, speaking of stirring powder into things ...
Which, when coupled with a drastic increase in introduction rates, leads to something I call "the efficiency seizures."In short: takes effect sooner, lasts longer. Technically, this works on all amphetamines, but of course a quick Google search tells me Adderall is the most widely available legal one, so let's all just assume that's the thing I'm stirring into my Grape Kool-Aid every other hour.
Day 3:The Most Efficient Way to Drink
Alone.I have found the Uberman schedule to be astoundingly effective, and if a few of the neighborhood cats want to give me disturbing orders as a side effect, so be it! However, I find myself, if anything, a bit
Day 4:Most Efficient Way to MoveWalking is proving impossible, and I assume that's because I've become too efficient to do things any way less than optimally. I have sown the Google, and reaped this:
Day 5:Most Efficient Way to Boil WaterDid you know that a drip brew coffee maker is seven percent more efficient than even a high end electric kettle and I really wanted to put a question mark back there but it's like I can't actually catch up to my fingers so I'm trying to trick them into stopping with an exclamation point!Most Efficient Way to PackRoll everything.ROLL.EVERYTHING.Most Efficient Way to Fold a T-shirt Hi Japan! I love you so much, you crazy archipelago! Actually I love everything because everything is fantastic and I am riding on a boat of euphoria cresting a wave of endorphins that's about to crash down and utterly obliterate a coastline of contentment. Hey, what's this shit about, T-shirts? Fuck yes, let's do whatever this is
Day 6:Most Efficient Way to ThinkThinking is a boulder I can no longer push up this hill. I type now only because somebody (a mad man, perhaps?) told these fingers to start, and now they won't stop. I pray for the brief moments of respite that periods grant me. They are an oasis of relief in a desert of empty, worthless words. I need some help figuring a way out of this mess, and so I turn to mind-maps: Allegedly, a more efficient way to think. Mind-maps are diagrams representing words, ideas and the various ways the DMV is trying to track your emotions. The key to mind-mapping is to intuitively align whatever concepts are in your mind along a series of branching paths, each ending in madness and death (except one that ends in candy, seen here). And I've got to say, this practice really has helped. Before, I was plunging headlong through a thick, miasmic fog full of clowns and bastards, each wanting to simultaneously entertain and fuck me. But now I have reached out and grasped the universe just off center, and at the top edge, I pull. I am folding the universe into itself into itself into itself. The center cannot hold, because the center is a mobile concept. We will not yield -- not to bastards, not to clowns -- because now that we have a mind-map, we need only follow it to its inevitable, and in retrospect, obvious conclusion.
In Conclusion:What? Dude, I don't know. I've just slept for 65 hours, and I do not know where I am. I suspect it is a Denny's, by the sheer volume of palpable sadness and pancakes. I have no idea what all of this was for; I just wanted to tie my shoes faster. That's all. Just shave a minute or so from my footwear routine. Now I'm looking at like ... like some kind of Bizarro map to Candyland tattooed on my chest? I don't want to make too many assumptions here. The last ... however many days have passed (I think I burnt the part of my brain responsible for comprehending time) is naught but a series of rapid, disturbing still images, devoid of context or morality -- like attending a slideshow where your parents have accidentally mixed up their amateur porn with the vacation photos. But it's this section here in the upper left that's really troubling me. Listen, don't say anything out loud -- the place may be bugged -- but if, at some point during my disappearance, the actor Judge Reinhold has suddenly died from mysterious ass-related injuries, blink twice.Wait, no, blink once; more efficient.
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google+. Or you could not do any of those things at all, for efficiency's sake.
For more from Brockway, check out 5 Most Terrifyingly Homoerotic Japanese Music Videos and 5 Products That Allow You to Master Your Dreams.