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5 Most Terrifyingly Homoerotic Japanese Music Videos

Japan is to sanity what Australia is to life: You just don't go there if you want to keep it. But if you really want to gauge the madness of a culture, to weigh and categorize their collective instability, to measure exactly how long the rest of us have until they launch the war-galleys and come reaving our coastlines, you look to their music videos. Judging by Japan's offerings, we've got about sixteen hours before the world ends in a confusing explosion of dicks and blood. Here, it's better if I show you:

(It should be noted that, as with everything pertaining to Japan, what follows may not be safe for...for...look, it just may not be safe.)

Spring Stranger

This video starts out normally, or at least Japan's approximation of normal - which is to say that amorphous white people-blobs are scaling a hot pink jungle full of fancy animals. That shit is mundane for Japan; that's like opening the video on a bunch of blank tax forms. But do not be mistaken, the stakes are going to escalate. It all starts about the time the camera breaks the treeline on MDMA Jungle and reveals that the whole thing has been hiding a gargantuan naked statue of a man. The nude giant is holding up a whole other world that is, in turn, made up entirely of smaller naked men.

I mean that literally: Naked men are like drywall here. They are building blocks. They are construction materials. There are naked men crank-starting other naked men, naked men formed into crude structures, a totem of naked men mounted into one another like homoerotic Lincoln Logs, naked man-mills spinning in the wind - as though an entire civilization was based on harnessing alternative energy with CGI boners. If you zoomed in to the molecular level on any one naked man in this universe, you would find he is comprised entirely of tinier, nakeder men orbiting one another.

Pictured: The molecular geometry of water.

But really, if any of this disturbs you, you only have yourself to blame: When something starts off with naked bald men spinning their also naked clones atop their naked heads until they take off like naked helicopters - and you continue watching anyway, you've either been sheltered your whole life and are helplessly naive as to just how twisted the world can get, or else you achieved your first orgasm watching two dudes execute a perfect Canadian Destroyer and haven't been able to keep an erection since.

Either way, the world is about to become a much harder place for you.

Spiderman

If you love Spiderman, do yourself a favor and leave now. If you really, really, really love Spiderman, then stick around and make sure the doors are locked, because there's gonna be more than webs slingin' about real soon.

If you've ever wanted to watch forty mostly naked Asian men in Spider-man masks pogo in a warehouse, but were too worried about securing proper bail money to act on it, you are the target demographic for this video. Alternately, if you've ever wanted to be dry-humped by spiders but they won't let you in the zoo anymore, or if you've always thought the logical evolution of the rave scene was comic book themed gay orgies, or if you're just an old fashioned pervert on the tail end of a peyote trip, this is also the video for you.

Fun Fact: This is the exact moment the trip turned against you.

To the rest of you - you whose wives, coworkers, or dogs have just walked in while you were watching a white leisure suit-bedecked Spiderman host a dance-off between rival male brothels - to you I just want to say that I am very, very sorry. On the plus side, though, the song is really catchy, and you've already lost your spouse, job, and the love of a good dog - it can only go up from here!

Hide Penis Dance

If this song has a name aside from "hide penis dance," then you go out and find it, smart guy; I'm not doing that Google search. I don't need to see those smart ads. I have plenty of Cock Cozies already, thank you.

The worst part about the video is the intro: A crackling fire, a flower petal falling, an androgynous Japanese man singing gently to you - possibly about winter snows being the footsteps of fate - and then WHAM! A busload of naked Asians playing the most elaborate game of Dick-A-Boo ever filmed. (Alternate names: Peek-A-Balls, Penis-a-boo, Penis-A-Balls, Look-Here's-My-Dick-Okay-Let's-Not-Make-A-Big-Deal-Out-Of-It-Because-You've-Got-Like-Fifty-More-Coming-Your-Way-Real-Soon-A-Boo)

Yeah. Fifty at least. This is just the first wave.

They go to such great lengths to almost show you a gaggle of cocks - from the endless paddleboat to the fake volleyball game to a few rounds of Hidden Package Double Dutch - that it starts to get kind of obnoxious. By about the three minute mark, you'll be rolling your eyes and shouting "just show me the dicks already!" And that will be it; you'll officially be gay. That's how they reproduce, you know. I read a Jack Chick comic about that on the bus one time. It's probably still there, if you want to check it out.

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Robert Brockway

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