The Complete Lunatic's Guide to the 5 Best Sipping Whiskeys
You're not operating under any false pretenses here: You're an asshole. The only things you truly love are yourself, the cardinal sins, and fine whiskey. And you're okay with that. But you're sick and tired of grabbing a Kentucky Bourbon and getting into a fistfight with a bicycle courier, when you should be sipping a nice Single Malt and watching mail-order Russian brides wrestle for the imitation diamonds that you threw on the floor. If only there were some way to know what type of whiskey pairs well with the specific kind of irredeemable asshole that you are! Unfortunately, whiskey is like madness - its exact effects will vary depending on family history, mental state, and pattern of drug use - but here's a rough starter guide to help ensure you're the right kind of dickhead drunk tonight:
Maudlin, Repressed Jerk
Closet Racist
Unfaithful Husband and Pervert
American Standard Angry Drunk
Period Piece Villain
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook or you can just drink until you're likable. Hey, it's bound to happen one of these days.