So you're considering a lucrative, rewarding career in the exciting world of email spamming! Good for you! Being an email spammer can be a lot of fun, but it can also be a challenge. What nonexistent celebrity sex tapes should you offer fake links to, and how do you use those fake links to install malware on peoples' computers? What types of products and services should you offer to people, and if they're interested, what's the easiest way to steal those peoples' personal financial information?
You probably have a lot of questions, but as luck would have it, I just so happen to have some answers for you. With a little patience and some good ol' fashioned elbow grease, you'll be scamming senior citizens and mental defectives before you know it... and pulling down a seven-figure salary to boot! Let's get started!
A is for Asshole
This is what you'll immediately become when you start sending out email spam. You might volunteer at a soup kitchen and help old ladies cross the street on a regular basis, but the moment you start jamming inboxes all around the world with spam, as soon as that very first email goes out with the subject "BRITNEY PEES WITH PARIS HILTON'S DOG VIDEO," guess what? Now you're an asshole. Congratulations. Speaking of which...
B is for Britney Spears
People are looking for all kinds of things when they go to check their inboxes, but more often than not, most people are hoping to receive pictures and videos of Britney Spears engaging in some sort of sex act. If you want to be a successful email spammer, offer people access to these sorts of materials. Don't worry about the fact that Britney's fame has already collapsed on itself like a white-trash dwarf star made of fried chicken and hate, or the fact that nobody has really wanted to see Britney Spears naked for the better part of a decade now. Send everybody on Earth fake links to pictures and videos of Britney Spears naked anyway. We'll all thank you for it later.