So you're considering a lucrative, rewarding career in the exciting world of email spamming! Good for you! Being an email spammer can be a lot of fun, but it can also be a challenge. What nonexistent celebrity sex tapes should you offer fake links to, and how do you use those fake links to install malware on peoples' computers? What types of products and services should you offer to people, and if they're interested, what's the easiest way to steal those peoples' personal financial information?
You probably have a lot of questions, but as luck would have it, I just so happen to have some answers for you. With a little patience and some good ol' fashioned elbow grease, you'll be scamming senior citizens and mental defectives before you know it... and pulling down a seven-figure salary to boot! Let's get started!
A is for Asshole
This is what you'll immediately become when you start sending out email spam. You might volunteer at a soup kitchen and help old ladies cross the street on a regular basis, but the moment you start jamming inboxes all around the world with spam, as soon as that very first email goes out with the subject "BRITNEY PEES WITH PARIS HILTON'S DOG VIDEO," guess what? Now you're an asshole. Congratulations. Speaking of which...
B is for Britney Spears
People are looking for all kinds of things when they go to check their inboxes, but more often than not, most people are hoping to receive pictures and videos of Britney Spears engaging in some sort of sex act. If you want to be a successful email spammer, offer people access to these sorts of materials. Don't worry about the fact that Britney's fame has already collapsed on itself like a white-trash dwarf star made of fried chicken and hate, or the fact that nobody has really wanted to see Britney Spears naked for the better part of a decade now. Send everybody on Earth fake links to pictures and videos of Britney Spears naked anyway. We'll all thank you for it later.
C is for C1alis
Millions of men are unable to achieve an erection without help from the pharmaceutical industry. Many of those men have email. Therefore, it's probably a good idea to send out unsolicited Cialis offers to everyone on Earth. This is what we in the industry call "targeted marketing." Unfortunately, many spam filters block out the word "Cialis," depriving millions of desperate, flaccid men of easy access to unsolicited, bogus offers for the drug. Try changing the first "i" to a "1" and see if that works. Don't do it for yourself - do it for all the millions of boners out there that never had a chance.
D is for Delete
This is what I (the average email user) do to all the garbage that you (the average spammer) send me. Most people do the same thing (because most people are smart enough to know a rip-off when they see one), but there's this one mouth-breather in Florida who keeps falling for it time and time again, making it profitable for you spammers to keep doing your thing. Keep taking his money until he doesn't have any left, then mail him a handgun, a bullet, and a thank-you letter from Charles Darwin.
E is for EBay Passwords
There are an estimated 6.684 billion on this planet, but only about 15,000 of them work at eBay. Assume all of the rest of them know nothing about eBay's password recovery options, and try to trick them into giving you their account information. Furthermore, assume they won't think twice about the fact that no legitimate website on the entire internet would ever ask for your personal information via email. Why can you make this assumption? Skip to "H" to find out.
F is for Famous People
Now that I really think about it, when you're offering people free naked pictures of celebrities, why stop at Britney Spears? Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton; the public has an infinite appetite for fake links to naked pictures of famous people, so expand your horizons and cast as wide a net as possible.