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The line between fantasy and reality has been put in a wrist lock and ripped out of its socket. There is now a reality show about Steven Seagal being an actual policeman.
Without a doubt, this idea is as incredible as it is insane. All that time we watched him play a cop, he was training to be a real cop. I can only hope all that time I spent watching Wonder Woman was training Lynda Carter to give me handjobs.
Being half movie cop plus half regular cop equals all cop, but there's more to Steven Seagal than that. If you thought a documentary on his copping would be like that or a normal cop, nice try at thinking. He's Steven Seagal and that brings with it some real-life super powers. The martial arts training that he mentions every five seconds have granted him abilities you won't believe. Let's take a look at some of them.
Note: As I type, I'll highlight any phrases that come up that would work as the title for his next film. For example:
Nightfucked By A Kill.
Super Power #1:Crime Vision
Martial arts have given Steven the ability to predict your actions before you make them. He can look at you and know if you're getting ready to run, pull a gun or get your heart torn out. Spoiler alert: You're always getting ready to get your heart torn out.
When Seagal is on patrol, darting his head around like a 250-pound bird of prey, he may suddenly see a 107. This is the police code for "suspicious person." It's also when Steven Seagal's aikido-trained eyeballs turn on their Crime Vision. Two things happen then: the camera zooms in and white light fills the screen. This allows viewers to then see the black people, I mean 107s, as Steven Seagal does-- digitally zoomed and pulsing with crime! If I didn't know any better, all these visual effects would make me think that Steven Seagal was transforming into the Hulk. And I don't know any better, so look out:
Steven Seagal is the Hulk.
Does it work?
Besides being racist, the biggest problem with crime vision is that it doesn't do a lot to stop people. Even if it detects that your shirt is too baggy and covered in the word FUBU for you to not have a gun, Seagal and his fellow deputies still have to catch you. And when Steven Seagal was in his prime, he ran like a penguin was kidding. In 2009, you can out-distance him in an elevator. Steven Seagal is so slow that they film most of his chase scenes with drawings. In fact, many art historians categorize Above the Law as a sculpture.
Super Power #2: Master Marksman
His training in the martial arts has made Steven Seagal into a deadly shot. He becomes one with the bullet and the two of them form a zen team... only, one of them is still a bullet. It sounds like bullshit, I know. Applying ancient Eastern teachings to firearm training kills 500 karate men a day. But Seagal made it work. He seriously, on camera, shoots the cotton off of Q-tips. Bang-- that's how Officer Seagal tests a DNA swab.
The Verdict: Dead.
When helping a sheriff pass his firearms certification, the very first thing Seagal does is put a bullet perfectly between a target's eyes and then tell his student to shoot through the bullet hole. Professor Steven Seagal has been awesome for so long that he thinks shooting a hole in a bullet hole is for beginners. That's like giving your son advice on women and starting with the lesson on how to keep your girlfriend from crying during a three-way.
Does it Work?
Holy shit, yes. He almost lit a match with a bullet. If this show doesn't work out, they could give Steven Seagal a pistol and a helicopter and he could give refractive eye surgeries from the sky.
Super Power #3: Martial Arts!
All of Seagal's martial arts training has made him a master of the martial arts, and he loves to give lessons to the other cops. Much like his lessons on marksmanship, these seem like they're better at giving Steven Seagal an opportunity to show off than they are at helping cops. When
Steven Seagal cranks a chubby guy into spinning finger locks and chokeholds for five minutes, the only knowledge he gains is how much pain it takes to get him to pee out of his mouth.
Does it Work?
Seagal is a quadruply ultimate grandshaman of aikido. "Aikido" translates roughly to "way of the harmonious spirit." Combat in aikido is centered around using your opponent's own force against him. When you watch high-level demonstrations, it's one grand master in the center of
50 aikido lunatics. They take turns sprinting at him and when each of them gets close, something subtle causes them to front flip. Suspiciously, this front flip-causing ability only seems to work against people who are voluntarily practicing aikido with you. Against regular people, it only seems to be very unpleasant on your joints. And against soup, it's practically useless.
Super Power #4: Taser
Steven Seagal's martial arts mastery has granted him no special abilities with tasers, but he loves them. Loves them. If you give him the opportunity, he will violate every part of your body and every part of the warranty on his taser at the same time. If a viewer were to take a drink every time Seagal says the word "taser," he or she would wake up to the smell of Steven Seagal electrically searing their nipples for public intoxication.
Does it Work?
Yes. In one scene, he's arguing with guy who has such a deep voice that if you close your eyes, it sounds like Steven Seagal vs. Andre the Giant. The only difference between this guy's voice and a fog horn is that fog horns sometimes wear shirts. And when he threw a tantrum and kicked out the back window of the patrol car, Steven Seagal went over to it, implanted the suspect's balls with an electric barb and, for what must have been 80 percent of the episode, leaned on the
taser trigger. As Seagal used his martial arts zen to blast his guy's nuts, he started to sound less like Andre the Giant and more like a non-horse trying to fuck Andre the Giant. Aiieeeee!!! Ironically, he got tasered for breaking a window, and now he shatters glass every time he tries to talk.
Steven Seagal's taser uses more electricity in a day than a Texas prison. Where you and I leave a carbon footprint, Steven Seagal pounds his foot into the Earth's ass, and activates his coal-burning boot taser.
Super Power #5: Detective Skills
One thing martial arts did not give Steven is keen detective skills.
Steven Seagal: Lawman makes it seem like most of Louisiana crime-fighting involves driving by people until they suspiciously run from you. This should be a lot more efficient after this show has been on the air for awhile and every person will run from Steven Seagal.
Does it Work?
In one incident, they chased a kid over a fence and he dropped his gun and cell phone. He got away, easily, but his cell phone had a picture of himself on it. I'd probably scroll down and call "Mom" to tell her
my taser and I are on the way over to pick up her son, but Steven actually turns to the camera and says, "If we're lucky, we'll be able to ID him off that photograph." Wow, good luck in your investigation, Charlie Chan! And the Mystery of the Undersea Wolf Mummies.Super Power #6: Actually Being Steven Seagal
Starring in five, possibly six completely awesome feature films gets you some respect. No one is going to start shit with a man twice their size who is famous for tearing people's arms in half. Plus, there's an unwritten rule that says if you make Hard to Kill, you can do whatever you want one time to everyone who's ever seen it. Steven Seagal could walk up to your table at a restaurant and put his dick in your salad, and you'd be even. In fact, you'd have to clean it for him since he also gave you Under Siege. Although I think you get to stab your fork into it for On Deadly Ground.
Does it Work?
Yes. Honestly, if I got stopped by a cop who was also Steven Seagal, I'd shit my pants right then and the first 25 times I remembered it. Meeting Steven Seagal is so exciting that you forget you're holding a murder weapon. This is the man who wrote and produced the folk/country album Steven Seagal: Songs from the Crystal Cave! I mean, fuck.
Super Power #7: Back-Seat Driving