7 Super Powers That Steven Seagal Actually Believes He Has
The line between fantasy and reality has been put in a wrist lock and ripped out of its socket. There is now a reality show about Steven Seagal being an actual policeman. Without a doubt, this idea is as incredible as it is insane. All that time we watched him play a cop, he was training to be a real cop. I can only hope all that time I spent watching Wonder Woman was training Lynda Carter to give me handjobs. Being half movie cop plus half regular cop equals all cop, but there's more to Steven Seagal than that. If you thought a documentary on his copping would be like that or a normal cop, nice try at thinking. He's Steven Seagal and that brings with it some real-life super powers. The martial arts training that he mentions every five seconds have granted him abilities you won't believe. Let's take a look at some of them. Note: As I type, I'll highlight any phrases that come up that would work as the title for his next film. For example: Nightfucked By A Kill. Super Power #1: Crime Vision Martial arts have given Steven the ability to predict your actions before you make them. He can look at you and know if you're getting ready to run, pull a gun or get your heart torn out. Spoiler alert: You're always getting ready to get your heart torn out. When Seagal is on patrol, darting his head around like a 250-pound bird of prey, he may suddenly see a 107. This is the police code for "suspicious person." It's also when Steven Seagal's aikido-trained eyeballs turn on their Crime Vision. Two things happen then: the camera zooms in and white light fills the screen. This allows viewers to then see the black people, I mean 107s, as Steven Seagal does-- digitally zoomed and pulsing with crime! If I didn't know any better, all these visual effects would make me think that Steven Seagal was transforming into the Hulk. And I don't know any better, so look out:
Steven Seagal is the Hulk.
Does it work?
Besides being racist, the biggest problem with crime vision is that it doesn't do a lot to stop people. Even if it detects that your shirt is too baggy and covered in the word FUBU for you to not have a gun, Seagal and his fellow deputies still have to catch you. And when Steven Seagal was in his prime, he ran like a penguin was kidding. In 2009, you can out-distance him in an elevator. Steven Seagal is so slow that they film most of his chase scenes with drawings. In fact, many art historians categorize