7 Super Powers That Steven Seagal Actually Believes He Has
The line between fantasy and reality has been put in a wrist lock and ripped out of its socket. There is now a reality show about Steven Seagal being an actual policeman.
The line between fantasy and reality has been put in a wrist lock and ripped out of its socket. There is now a reality show about Steven Seagal being an actual policeman.
Without a doubt, this idea is as incredible as it is insane. All that time we watched him play a cop, he was training to be a real cop. I can only hope all that time I spent watching Wonder Woman was training Lynda Carter to give me handjobs.
Being half movie cop plus half regular cop equals all cop, but there's more to Steven Seagal than that. If you thought a documentary on his copping would be like that or a normal cop, nice try at thinking. He's Steven Seagal and that brings with it some real-life super powers. The martial arts training that he mentions every five seconds have granted him abilities you won't believe. Let's take a look at some of them.
Note: As I type, I'll highlight any phrases that come up that would work as the title for his next film. For example: Nightfucked By A Kill
Martial arts have given Steven the ability to predict your actions before you make them. He can look at you and know if you're getting ready to run, pull a gun or get your heart torn out. Spoiler alert: You're always getting ready to get your heart torn out.
When Seagal is on patrol, darting his head around like a 250-pound bird of prey, he may suddenly see a 107. This is the police code for "suspicious person." It's also when Steven Seagal's aikido-trained eyeballs turn on their Crime Vision. Two things happen then: the camera zooms in and white light fills the screen. This allows viewers to then see the black people, I mean 107s, as Steven Seagal does-- digitally zoomed and pulsing with crime! If I didn't know any better, all these visual effects would make me think that Steven Seagal was transforming into the Hulk. And I don't know any better, so look out: Steven Seagal is the Hulk
Super Power #2: Master Marksman
His training in the martial arts has made Steven Seagal into a deadly shot. He becomes one with the bullet and the two of them form a zen team... only, one of them is still a bullet. It sounds like bullshit, I know. Applying ancient Eastern teachings to firearm training kills 500 karate men a day. But Seagal made it work. He seriously, on camera, shoots the cotton off of Q-tips. Bang-- that's how Officer Seagal tests a DNA swab. The Verdict: DeadSuper Power #3: Martial Arts!
All of Seagal's martial arts training has made him a master of the martial arts, and he loves to give lessons to the other cops. Much like his lessons on marksmanship, these seem like they're better at giving Steven Seagal an opportunity to show off than they are at helping cops. When Steven Seagal cranks a chubby guySuper Power #4: Taser
Steven Seagal's martial arts mastery has granted him no special abilities with tasers, but he loves them. Loves them. If you give him the opportunity, he will violate every part of your body and every part of the warranty on his taser at the same time. If a viewer were to take a drink every time Seagal says the word "taser," he or she would wake up to the smell of Steven Seagal electrically searing their nipples for public intoxication.
Does it Work?
Yes. In one scene, he's arguing with guy who has such a deep voice that if you close your eyes, it sounds like Steven Seagal vs. Andre the Giant. The only difference between this guy's voice and a fog horn is that fog horns sometimes wear shirts. And when he threw a tantrum and kicked out the back window of the patrol car, Steven Seagal went over to it, implanted the suspect's balls with an electric barb and, for what must have been 80 percent of the episode, leaned on the taser triggerSuper Power #5: Detective Skills
One thing martial arts did not give Steven is keen detective skills. Steven Seagal: LawmanSuper Power #6: Actually Being Steven Seagal
Starring in five, possibly six completely awesome feature films gets you some respect. No one is going to start shit with a man twice their size who is famous for tearing people's arms in half. Plus, there's an unwritten rule that says if you make Hard to Kill, you can do whatever you want one time to everyone who's ever seen it. Steven Seagal could walk up to your table at a restaurant and put his dick in your salad, and you'd be even. In fact, you'd have to clean it for him since he also gave you Under Siege. Although I think you get to stab your fork into it for On Deadly Ground.
Does it Work?
Yes. Honestly, if I got stopped by a cop who was also Steven Seagal, I'd shit my pants right then and the first 25 times I remembered it. Meeting Steven Seagal is so exciting that you forget you're holding a murder weapon. This is the man who wrote and produced the folk/country album Steven Seagal: Songs from the Crystal Cave! I mean, fuck.
Super Power #7: Back-Seat Driving
