The 7 Stupidest Alibis in the History of Crime
Batman is spoiled. His criminals might be a cowardly, superstitious lot, but at least he gets to match wits with psychotic geniuses. In the real world he wouldn't last a week before realizing that Dark Vengeance is mainly beating up idiots, and deciding to take off his rubberized animal suit and find something more stimulating for a rich man to do at night. Actually, he might keep the suit on.
"My cat downloaded all that child pornography."
When police charged Keith Griffin with ten counts of possessing child pornography he explained that his cat did it. So they increased it to a hundred counts, presumably to see if they could possibly make that alibi any less believable. Keith claimed that his felonious feline would sometimes walk across his keyboard and download (over 1,000 highly illegal) things. Which is weird, because even we haven't found any porn called q'wawdsssslnk'ml.It was a more apocalyptically obvious lie than the Enola Gay claiming they were delivering fireworks. Cats might dominate the bit of the Internet which isn't porn, but we're pretty sure they don't know how to work it -- if they did, we'd be working for them right now. Still, it was a nice touch that even his ridiculous excuse required something that couldn't legally give consent.
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"The alignment in my car is bad."
Christos Kokkalis claimed that the alignment in his car was bad. That's why it was doing double the speed limit and cut across the opposite lane to hit a pedestrian who made a gesture telling him to slow down. Amazingly, when he missed the pedestrian, the car's bad alignment caused it to pull a U-turn, speed back up to the pedestrian to try again, then forced him to leap out and scream, "Let's settle this right now. Meet me back here at 10." Apparently when he said "alignment" he meant "Evil Chaotic." His car was basically Christine.
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"I am a Texas Republican sovereignty."
Justin Wayne Gray was stopped for speeding, rolled down the window and declared "
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"Did you see Law and Order last night? It was exactly like that."
One woman decided civilization wasn't downfalling fast enough and copied a crime she saw on TV. When questioned over the disappearance of her 2-year-old daughter, Julia Biryukova recapped the plot of an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, a show that it turns out the police watch. And since the episode had only just aired the night before, the case put a whole new spin on the word "special." Maybe her goldfish brain couldn't remember how the episode ended, but the TV show featured a far better actress and, if it's anything like any other episode, ends with the crook getting caught.
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"I shot someone six times because I was on a diet."
A lawyer argued that U.S. Army Reserve Sergeant Rashad Valmont was dehydrated, exhausted, delirious and near-catatonic when he killed his master sergeant. But before you start envisioning a soldier being pushed too far by some sort of torturous training regiment, you should know that Valmont spent the day before the crime on his military computer in a reserve office, was overweight for military duty, had multiple poor performance reviews, and the final straw wasn't commies kidnapping his mentor. Rashad was pushed over the edge by denial of a request for a vacation weekend.
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"I worship the Norse gods!"
A Toronto couple single-handedly disproved every stereotype of Canadians being nice, friendly or sane, by taking God of War as a religion. They marched into a house and decided it was theirs by right of their vast collection of blades. Which, in fairness, did actually work back when people worshiped the Norse gods. But Vikings existed before the invention of firearms and Canadians, two powerful forces for dealing with blade-wielding and extreme rudeness in northern latitudes, and they were arrested within 72 hours.John Morkanus, which we have to admit is a name which sounds like it should dual-wield blades, insisted he had to carry a weapon at all times as an adherent of the Asatru Norse religion. A particularly crazy neopagan religion (where "neo-" means "we live in a world where people know better") which leads to owning ridiculously expensive and impractical weapon collections instead of rent money.
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"It was my evil twin!"
When Janell Athalone-Afrika was caught embezzling $15,000 worth of benefits from the Indiana Department of Education, she decided the game of wits had only just begun. A game she was worse prepared for than someone wearing body armor to a triathlon. She claimed that her identity been stolen by her "evil twin," at which point the arresting officer cursed, "Dammit, now I'm even dreaming about arresting idiots. Because if this is real I'm going vigilante."
Luke McKinney explains how Beer Built Civilization. He also tumbles and has a website.