5

When A Loogie Comes To Fruition

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Few people seem to enjoy the sound of another person clearing their throat. It's a gross, aggressively wet sound, and aggressive wet things are best avoided, aren't they? Crocodiles, piranha, grandma in the tub.

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Meat Loaf.

4

Adults Having Tantrums

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I never realized this was something my sanity couldn't abide until I saw this video.

3

Dramatic Swallowing

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Did you know you can swallow without making a sound whatsoever? Of course you did, you've been doing it your whole life because you're not psychotic. And I'm forced to conclude only the most dangerously mentally unstable are the sorts of people who force a sound with each swallow because secretly they want you to be uncomfortable on a spiritual and emotional level before they try to flay you with a butter knife in their stinking, mildew-encrusted shower stall of a basement apartment.

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"Bullshit, I switched to a potato peeler last year."

2

A Stranger Shitting

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The year was 2010. I was at Los Angeles International Airport for the second time in my life. I had my bags, and I was on my way to leave the terminal when the Wolfgang Puck Thai chicken wrap from my departing airport also arrived at its destination. I found the nearest men's room, set up shop in a stall, and proceeded to unburden myself of Wolfgang's less-than-stellar efforts to nourish me.

As I sat in quiet contemplation, playing what I assume in retrospect must have been Angry Birds on my phone, someone took up residence in the stall next to me. Now, there were a number of stalls available, so right away this person was unnecessarily encroaching on my happy place. You don't take adjoining stalls if there are extras available; that's common sense. Common decency, too. It's the way the world works. But whatever, maybe this guy was a drunken pilot and overly confused. How was I to know?

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Or maybe, just maybe, he was looking for a glory hole that would never be.

1

Male Porn Stars

SpokenRAD

The day after talkie films were invented, grunty porns were invented. Since then, both have advanced in many ways, but the one way in which no one wanted advancement was in the arena of male contribution to pornographic audio. What is wrong with every male porn star? I'll concede I have my doubts that they're not all joking. The shit that comes out of most male porn stars' mouths could easily be misconstrued as a joke, so it's possible it's entirely intentional. But I have a lingering fear also that it's not. That many of these guys are literally screaming as they spatter some poor co-worker with the seed of ennui is harrowing.

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Most of these women just want the pizza.

There's clearly no way anyone is turned on by the sounds of a man in a porno. Women, definitely, whether receiving actual pleasure or faking it, have a delightful lyrical quality to their excitations. It's like listening to a really catchy '80s pop-rock song you never knew existed, and you immediately want to hear it again. A man in porno sounds like a garbage man throwing up under your bedroom window at 6 a.m. This includes everything ranging from dialogue to unbearably fake moans.

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This. You sound like like this.

The only sounds a dude should properly make during sex are guttural and low volume. It should be all bass and barely audible to anyone outside the room. Growls, grunts, loud exhalations -- these are the currency of actual man humpage. And, if it's on your menu, a fine selection of dirty talk can be included. None of that belongs in porno, however, since porno is supposed to be the brutally unrealistic and over-the-top fake fantasy version of sexuality. So, properly speaking, dudes should be muffled at all times. That ludicrous Tarzan shit isn't doing anyone any favors, and it completely ruins every scene for everyone. How many directors have had to cut scenes when a male porn star starts bellowing like a freight train with its dick stuck in a blender and the woman he's with can't stop laughing? This absolutely must be an issue on-set.

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Just imagine doing this shit in the '80s, when VHS tapes were at a premium.

Do us all a favor, male porn stars: You shut your mouths. It may be unfair, but you're set dressing and that's it. And if that makes you feel marginalized, stop and consider the fact you get paid to plow hot ladies on camera and realize there's nothing that can be done to you that will effectively marginalize you in any meaningful way that another human being will ever care about. Your job could require someone to shoot you in the foot when you're done and still no one would sympathize with your plight. So please, stop all that fuss. Just read a book or something while you work. Spare us the dramatics.

For more terrible sounds that didn't make this list, check out Steve Harwell singing in 4 Lead Singers That Sound Shockingly Bad Without The Band, and see why The Beastie Boys never thought "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)" would be a hit in 6 Classic Songs That Were Supposed To Be Jokes.

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