The day after talkie films were invented, grunty porns were invented. Since then, both have advanced in many ways, but the one way in which no one wanted advancement was in the arena of male contribution to pornographic audio. What is wrong with every male porn star? I'll concede I have my doubts that they're not all joking. The shit that comes out of most male porn stars' mouths could easily be misconstrued as a joke, so it's possible it's entirely intentional. But I have a lingering fear also that it's not. That many of these guys are literally screaming as they spatter some poor co-worker with the seed of ennui is harrowing.
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Most of these women just want the pizza.
There's clearly no way anyone is turned on by the sounds of a man in a porno. Women, definitely, whether receiving actual pleasure or faking it, have a delightful lyrical quality to their excitations. It's like listening to a really catchy '80s pop-rock song you never knew existed, and you immediately want to hear it again. A man in porno sounds like a garbage man throwing up under your bedroom window at 6 a.m. This includes everything ranging from dialogue to unbearably fake moans.
This. You sound like like this.
The only sounds a dude should properly make during sex are guttural and low volume. It should be all bass and barely audible to anyone outside the room. Growls, grunts, loud exhalations -- these are the currency of actual man humpage. And, if it's on your menu, a fine selection of dirty talk can be included. None of that belongs in porno, however, since porno is supposed to be the brutally unrealistic and over-the-top fake fantasy version of sexuality. So, properly speaking, dudes should be muffled at all times. That ludicrous Tarzan shit isn't doing anyone any favors, and it completely ruins every scene for everyone. How many directors have had to cut scenes when a male porn star starts bellowing like a freight train with its dick stuck in a blender and the woman he's with can't stop laughing? This absolutely must be an issue on-set.
Just imagine doing this shit in the '80s, when VHS tapes were at a premium.
Do us all a favor, male porn stars: You shut your mouths. It may be unfair, but you're set dressing and that's it. And if that makes you feel marginalized, stop and consider the fact you get paid to plow hot ladies on camera and realize there's nothing that can be done to you that will effectively marginalize you in any meaningful way that another human being will ever care about. Your job could require someone to shoot you in the foot when you're done and still no one would sympathize with your plight. So please, stop all that fuss. Just read a book or something while you work. Spare us the dramatics.
For more terrible sounds that didn't make this list, check out Steve Harwell singing in 4 Lead Singers That Sound Shockingly Bad Without The Band, and see why The Beastie Boys never thought "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)" would be a hit in 6 Classic Songs That Were Supposed To Be Jokes.
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