The 7 Most Sexually Deviant Creatures in Folklore
Human history is rife with monsters, devils, and things that go bump in the night. It also has its fair share of things that go hump in the night. And let's be reasonable; sexual terror is a real and powerful thing. A monster is ever-so-slightly scarier if it violates you in some way. And maybe that's what people were thinking about when they crafted this handful of ghouls who aren't content to just hide under your bed or stab you at summer camp -- they want to give you the bad touch and make you feel worse about yourself than you normally would when a supernatural monster starts eating you.
From Hungary, where they have too much time for putting details into their perverted monsters, comes the liderc. Is it a giant-wanged hamster? You wish. The origin of the liderc is the most complicated trail of bullshit anyone ever imagined. First, you get a black chicken -- maybe a little black chicken, the story isn't too clear. You then take its egg and warm it, either in a pile of actual horse shit, or just your armpit.
When the egg hatches, the liderc is born. Where did the chicken go? We don't know. The liderc, however, will now proceed to fuck with your mind before literally fucking you. It will take on the appearance of a long-dead relative or lover. This is the part of the stories that I wish offered more details, because generally they go on to say how it comes back every night to bone you, and you start wasting away to death as it humps you and sucks your blood and sits on your chest so you can't breathe and that kind of inconsiderate monster stuff ... but for real, as a relative? Like, did someone's grandma do this to them once? You hatched this egg and it looks like grandma and now she keeps coming back to pork you to death? There's a lot wrong with this story. A whole lot.
Anyway, regardless of what and who the liderc looks like (Some stories say it has one chicken leg it keeps hidden in its pants. You know, so you don't get wise to how this dead sex partner of yours may not be all they seem), it'll keep coming back, either until you're dead or you find a way to distract it. How do you distract it? Random household chores! Keep that up for the rest of your natural life and you'll get through this OK.
Incidentally, there are also a couple of other lidercs out there. One kind is just a tiny devil that you might find in the pocket of old clothes, because maybe that's where you lost that little devil you owned? Anyway, find that liderc, and suddenly your life takes a turn for the better, as you gain fame and fortune and try to overlook the fact that the cost for these wonders is your soul. The other kind of liderc is just some flying fire or a will-o-the-wisp, which seems like the least menacing of the three at this point, and doesn't involve necrophilia.
Cracked has shared the story of the popobawa with you before, because what self-respecting website could learn of the existence of a one-eyed buggerist goblin and not tell people about it? In a nutshell, that's who and what the popobawa is -- a monster who shows up when you're asleep and slips you the high hard one in the back door. Somehow even more bizarre is how, apparently, he tells you that you better tell people about it, or else he'll come back to do it again. So you know, start gossiping.
What you may not know is that this isn't some story from the Dark Ages, when a mud farmer and a poop farmer would meet in the middle of a field, sit down to a lunch of mushrooms and despair, and spin yarns about why their asses hurt so much. This thing was born in the 1960s and has been reported in the news, as in on the BBC, as late as 2001. The news legitimately reports on outbreaks of ass-blasting monsters in Tanzania. That's why 24-hour networks don't help society better itself.
How do you defend against a popobawa, and what does it want? You could try to never fall asleep, as some villagers do. As for what it wants? Your ass. It wants to be inside your ass, and then it wants you to tell your friends that last night, a small one-eyed bat man plowed your ass like a field of cassava. And that's why this monster is so terrifying. It has no part 2 to its plan. It just wants to bugger you and then enjoy knowing you told a friend.
This is a hardcore perv in the world of ancient belief. He's a full on Prince of Hell, and that means ultra-satanic levels of dickery. As the demon of lust, most old school thought blamed any perverse sexual thoughts and desires (you know, anything that doesn't involve a man and a woman frowning for 120 seconds as they make a baby) on Asmodeus. It's not all old school, though, as I even found a site that blames him for Hollywood, the Internet, and the media in general. One merely has to watch Wolf Blitzer's salacious ass for 5 minutes to know this is 100% true.
Other sites blame this demon for the existence of homosexuality, so it's best to avoid the Christian fundamentalists when researching hornballs from mythology. In most texts, Asmodeus is seen as obsessing over a woman and going to great lengths to ensure she never gets laid. In the Book of Tobit, he kills 7 successive husbands of a woman named Sarah before they can consummate their marriages, because Asmodeus is the spirit of diabolical cockblocking in the most extreme way.
Somewhere in the Talmud it suggests that the reason Asmodeus is such a shit is because his father was Adam (as in, the first guy ever). While Adam and Eve were on a break, the angel of prostitution came to him and boned him, and their baby was Asmodeus -- meaning he's half succubus and half a guy who only ever saw one other woman in his entire life. That's a recipe for a wicked stew of semi-demented sexuality.
Like the popobawa, the thokolosi wants to debauch people in their sleep, which is apparently just a huge cultural fear in other parts of the world. Not that North Americans aren't afraid of home invasion or sexual assault, but we generally blame those things on actual creeps wearing ski masks, not dwarves who have one buttock and a penis so long they have to sling it over their shoulder like an old hose. As an aside, how does one buttock work? Where is the asshole?
Putting aside its mysterious pooper, the thokolosi haunts the southern parts of Africa. A little fellow of about three feet in height, he's said to break into your house and give you AIDS. Is that not the shittiest monster you've ever heard of? He has AIDS. Imagine how the entire legend of bigfoot would be so much weirder if, just for no good reason, he also had herpes.
On the upside, the way to fight back against the thokolosi is to prop your bed up on some bricks because, you know, he's short. If the little guy has to put effort into his sexual assaults, he's just not going to do it.
The pontianak is an Indonesian monster that deserves special recognition thanks to the city of Pontianak, which is the capital of West Kalimantan and has a population of 573,000. Over half a million people live in a town named after a monster that eats dicks. That's some hardcore shit. And it wasn't even an accident or a coincidence, or the monster being named after the town, oh no. They named the town for a dick muncher because, legend has it, its founder saw a pontianak at the spot where the palace would be built. And then he thought, "Welp, not eating my giggleberries if I drop a palace on your head," and went ahead with construction.
As you gathered from that colorful intro, the pontianak eats your wiener. This doesn't happen all willy-nilly, mind you; it's not like you're at 7-11, you feel a rustling near your groin, and you look down and suddenly there's a goblin there treating your junk like Big League Chew. The pontianak appears as a beautiful woman on the road when you're travelling, as a lady in white with long dark hair. If you'd ever seen any Japanese horror movies, you'd already be running in fear, but this creature was from a simpler time. She's the spirit of a woman who died while pregnant and is none too happy about that fact. If she's in a particularly sour mood, she'll seduce you and then rip out your insides before indulging in the aforementioned cock-gobbling.
If it helps you sleep better at night, it doesn't always eat your goods. Sometimes it just rips them off with its bare hands. It will, however, suck your eyes out.
In order to prevent this unfortunate fate for yourself, you might want to avoid hot hitchhikers in general. If that's not an option, apparently you can jam a nail into the base of the pontianak's head, which will stop her from turning into her ghoulish form (she has a ghoulish form, btw) and make her into a good wife. In case you're the kind of guy who barely survives a destructive genital attack by a roadside monster and thinks, "How can I marry this beast?"
The chuiael is a Hindu succubus, so that has to be fun, since the Hindu religion is pretty much the coolest one in the world from a creative standpoint. I'm not trying to besmirch Jesus here, but compare Jesus to Ganesh. One's an unkempt carpenter and the other is a magical elephant man. Was Christianity even trying?
Like any good succubus, the chuiael wants you dead because reasons. Its parents never loved it, it has a chemical imbalance, it played too many video games, I don't know. Point is, it's going to bone you good, and you're going to suffer for it, because the chuiael is an expert fellatiator and is somehow able to literally suck your life out through your chubbins.
There's not much else out there to learn about the chuiaels, but really, what else do you need to know? They steal your life force from your dong. That's some kinda lady.
The encantado comes from Brazil, the place where waxing yourself bald was invented, so expect this to be weird. And it is weird! The encantado is a river dolphin (which they actually have in Brazil) that lives in an underwater land of paradise where there is no pain or death, and will occasionally surface in our world to take on human form. Why leave paradise to hang out in Brazil? All that sweet Brazilian ass, my friends.
Having witnessed a Brazilian beach or two in my day, I can say I fully understand where these supernatural dolphins are coming from. They appear as humans, and have pretty much three things going for them: they're built like Roman gods, they want to hit it 24/7, and they love to party. They are by far the coolest monsters in the history of folklore. Who the hell wants to deal with a shitty chupacabra when you have Andrew W.K. the Sex Dolphin down in Brazil?
In human form, the encantado is the coolest person at the party. You can pick one out of crowd because if it tries to leave, everyone freaks out and tries to make him stay. Also, he'll be wearing a hat to cover his blowhole. Fun fact: when he shapeshifts back into a dolphin, he'll still be wearing the hat. This story just keeps getting better.
The downside to this party and hump machine is that they haven't mastered tact just yet, and will sometimes fall in love with their human partners and kidnap them. The weird part is that the locals in Brazil seem to feel this is a bad thing, as if spending forever in a paradise with shapeshifting, magical sex dolphins is a hardship or whatever. Strange country, Brazil is.
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