Special bonus for those who need more than the ZZ Top of duck calls: American Idol winner Scotty McCreery will also be on the cruise. Remember that if you're an Idol hopeful. One day you might win and then be banished to a hillbilly boat ride. Mmm, positive life choices.
Right away I can see a lot of people rushing to the defense of this idea. KISS is a classic band, they're gods of rock and roll. They have the KISS Army! Surely a KISS cruise would be awesome, right? I will accept this onslaught with grace because I have an ace up my sleeve. I have irrefutable proof that what you believe is not true. That what you want to be the reality of this cruise is not the reality at all. My weapon to strike down the very idea of this cruise has a name, and it is Gene Simmons.
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"I'm exactly as awful as my haircut implies. And your mom would still do me."
Before anyone knew who Gene Simmons was, KISS was the s**t. KISS was the musical version of humping on a roller coaster on the back of a dragon, or whatever it is the kids think is cool these days. And then Gene Simmons and his helmet-like hair got a reality show, and you found out he would brand urns and cancer drugs with the KISS logo if he could make a buck off of it, and he became sad. And then, even more disturbing, someone released a video of Simmons having sex in a hotel room and it was so devoid of life, it made the Paris Hilton sex tape look like a meth- and coke-fueled passion circus. Gene Simmons has Brillo pad hair and humps like an ottoman that someone put in the freezer. He's a disgrace.
Go on the KISS cruise and, at best, you'll get through a boat trip without having to watch Simmons try to pick up an old lady or seeing Peter Criss cry his kitty makeup off. That's the best you can hope for.