6

R. Kelly

Gary Miller / Getty / Markus Koljonen

This cruise becomes exponentially more hilarious when you realize I didn't make it up and it's the same R. Kelly you're thinking of. R Kelly, the man whose most recent fame was achieved by serving as a throwaway reference to pissing his own bed in a Macklemore song.

R. Kelly is famous for two things. The lesser source of his fame is a music career that is still kicking to this day because, as Chris Brown fans will assure you, any soulless, shit-encrusted twat waffle will still be idolized by scores of fans so long as he can produce albums and look marginally attractive, regardless of his sordid illegal proclivities. The more noteworthy source of his infamy is, of course, his penchant for golden showers. Oh, and the fact that he's a serial pederast. People keep forgiving him for that despite evidence of, what, three underage girls that we know of? Yes, well, let's all go on a cruise with him.

In fairness to good sense, the R. Kelly cruise was cancelled, but not for the reasons you think (piss-based or pederast-influenced reasons). The cruise was cancelled because R. Kelly wasn't going. He says he was never paid for the gig and apparently isn't the sort of fellow who volunteers to sing on the high seas. The cruise line should have just told him there were a bunch of 15-year-old girls with really dry skin on board and the matter would have settled itself, but hindsight is 20/20.

5

Trek Cruises

CruiseTrek + StarTrekCruise

Because obviously there's a Star Trek cruise, I figured I'd toss it in here because there are actually competing Trek cruises. You could choose to saddle up with Cruise Trek or Star Trek Cruise, both of which boast celebrity guests and maybe green ladies to hold your hair back as you barf overpriced shrimp into the Adriatic.

Cruise Trek has an admirable list of past guests, including Wil Wheaton, who's currently enjoying a fame renaissance and is someone I would legitimately like to meet. He must love being trapped on a boat with people who would pay for a Star Trek-themed cruise, presumably for the very reason that they're trapped on a boat and thus their celebrity crush will be forced to endure them, at least for a little while.

John M. Heller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"Pronounce my name like Stewie on Family Guy, then try to touch me. I love that."

Choosing a cruise without prior knowledge of guests is a bit like a game of Russian nerd roulette, as past cruises have had guests like Robert Picardo, the doctor from Voyager, and even James Doohan (hopefully before he died), who played Scotty in the original series, which would probably be cool guests for a Trek fan to meet. On the other hand, some cruises included a script coordinator and Richard Biggs, who played a character on Babylon 5, which is kind of like Star Trek if you squint.

As for onboard entertainment, aside from ogling Trek actors and questioning them on technical details as The Simpsons has taught us nerds are wont to do, what can you look forward to on a boat with the crew of a Starfleet vessel? How's this sound? "We were treated to sassy readings ..." That's a quote right from the cruise website. Sassy readings. I want to name a band that and have them go on tour with One Direction and then take over the tour bus and destroy us all: "Sassy Readings Bass Player Goes Mad, Drives One Direction into Gulch."

4

Karl Rove

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Can you even begin to fathom anything quite so soul-satisfying as being at sea with the inspiration for the Kraken, Karl Rove? Apparently political cruises aren't entirely rare, but to get such a noteworthy political figure to share your light appetizers in the lounge is almost unheard of.

Now, before you think this is a partisan entry, remember that no one likes Karl Rove. Not Democrats, not Republicans, not even the Tea Party, and those guys love everyone. Karl Rove has pretty much alienated himself from the world thanks to his election night mental breakdown and also the fact that he may be a mountain troll. Of course this cruise took place before the election, and suites were only $14,000, so it was certainly geared to a certain kind of person (the kind who would spend $14,000 to be at sea with a mountain troll, for instance), but I can't stress enough that Karl Rove before the election was actually the same man he was on election night. He's always had that loose a grasp on reality. He's like Satan's deadbeat brother who can't do anything right.

As you might expect, Rove wore a jacket all the time and pants you'd best describe as "trousers," because the man knows how to party. To further emphasize this, the cruise had scheduled time to smoke cigars and drink cognac, because sitting on a sinister throne and laughing maniacally didn't play well with focus groups.

3

Kid Rock

kidrockcruise

2

Duck Dynasty

Duckcommandercruise

If you're aware of what Duck Dynasty is, you may be asking yourself the same thing I asked when I heard that this cruise was taking place -- Duck Dynasty fans are allowed on boats? This was followed up by my curiosity about how willing said fans would be to approach such a large machine without jabbing at it with a pitchfork or a torch. The crew must just love this idea to pieces.

Jupiterimages/liquidlibrary/Getty Images

1

KISS

KissKruise

Right away I can see a lot of people rushing to the defense of this idea. KISS is a classic band, they're gods of rock and roll. They have the KISS Army! Surely a KISS cruise would be awesome, right? I will accept this onslaught with grace because I have an ace up my sleeve. I have irrefutable proof that what you believe is not true. That what you want to be the reality of this cruise is not the reality at all. My weapon to strike down the very idea of this cruise has a name, and it is Gene Simmons.

Mike Coppola/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"I'm exactly as awful as my haircut implies. And your mom would still do me."

Before anyone knew who Gene Simmons was, KISS was the shit. KISS was the musical version of humping on a roller coaster on the back of a dragon, or whatever it is the kids think is cool these days. And then Gene Simmons and his helmet-like hair got a reality show, and you found out he would brand urns and cancer drugs with the KISS logo if he could make a buck off of it, and he became sad. And then, even more disturbing, someone released a video of Simmons having sex in a hotel room and it was so devoid of life, it made the Paris Hilton sex tape look like a meth- and coke-fueled passion circus. Gene Simmons has Brillo pad hair and humps like an ottoman that someone put in the freezer. He's a disgrace.

Go on the KISS cruise and, at best, you'll get through a boat trip without having to watch Simmons try to pick up an old lady or seeing Peter Criss cry his kitty makeup off. That's the best you can hope for.