The 7 Best Kinds of Monkeys: A Drunk Column
Even though the entire United States is celebrating its independence this long weekend with drinking and showering loved ones in fire, Editor-in-Chief Jack O'Brien is still insisting that I write a column. He would rather I cook up genius alone in a dark room than love my country with beer and explosions because Jack O'Brien hates fun, and he hates America.Jack would blow out her flame if he could. What he doesn't seem to realize, however, is that this country was built on the back of ingenuity and resourcefulness. I have found a way to kill two bald eagles with one stone, commemorating our secession from England's tyranny while still bending to Jack's. I will honor my revolutionary forefathers with a revolutionary idea: I'm going to write about monkeys while getting drunk. Happy birthday, America. This one is for you. The rules here are simple: I will extol the virtues of my favorite kinds of monkeys and any time I need to research anything (as denoted by an asterisk), I will drink. I'm choosing monkeys because I need a topic I already know well enough that this experiment won't end with a stomach pump. Also, hunting for facts about monkeys is something I would do while drunk anyway so I'm drastically reducing the chances that I'll get bored and wander away. With any luck I will wake up tomorrow with a column written, but if it ends with me asphyxiating on my own vomit then I think we all know who to blame. Jack. We are blaming Jack.
Capuchin MonkeysYou may know the capuchin better as a character from Pirates of the Caribbean*, Dr. Dolittle, The Zookeeper*, The Hangover II* and every other movie or television show with a script that says, "Monkey steals ____ and won't give it back." (And before you jump down to the comments to throw a bunch of examples of chimps and orangutans at me, those aren't monkeys, jerk. Trust me, I know ...*) There's a reason Hollywood always uses capuchins: They are brilliant. They are one of the few monkeys who have exhibited long-term use of tools in the wild* and during one experiment, were able to learn the concept of currency.* They traded money for food throughout the study and, at one point, a single capuchin successfully traded currency for sex, thus initiating what was, "probably the first observed exchange of money for sex in the history of monkeykind."* Capuchins are so smart that they are often raised to help paraplegics and quadriplegics. The program
Pygmy MarmosetsThe smallest of all monkeys,
Spectacled Langur*I'll be honest, I didn't anticipate drinking so much on those first two. They were the monkeys I knew the best. Plus, this species is the dark horse on the list. I don't know a ton about it and I feel like it's going to cost me. The spectacled langur is one of the largest species of monkey* and one of the few that lives almost exclusively on leaves.* They have specialized stomachs that allow them to absorb the cellulose in leaves* and even some fruits which would otherwise be toxic.*Most notable, however, is that the spectacled langurs reconcile most of their fights with sex.* Much like bonobo apes, whenever there is a dispute over food or a position in the community, they will generally resolve it by doing one another.
Golden Snub-Nosed MonkeyThe golden snub-nosed monkey can survive in arctic temperatures* because of its thick fur and also, listen, I feel really awful about what happened back there. I honestly did not foresee this happening. This was supposed to be a fun article and now I'm just drunk and kind of depressed.
Emperor TamarinHahahahaha, yes! This is so much better! This monkey is like medicine for sadness. Who do you think you are, monkey? Robert Brockway? You're the Brockway monkey from now on. Everybody change the encyclopedias ... quick. I bet that monkey and Brockway would be best friends. Sitting around with their waxed mustaches, talking about the sounds planets make.* Good luck eating spaghetti, you monkey. You'll get marinara sauce all over that thing!
This One!Oh shit, these things are vicious. It's got wolf fangs and demon eyes. This thing will roll its lips back and bear its teeth sometimes, but the crazy part is, that's how
Koala BearKoala's are native to Australia and they're famous for being adorable and having pockets. Its name means "doesn't drink" so it's generally kind of boring at parties. It can go long periods without water and instead gets most of the moisture it needs from eucalyptus leaves, I'm pretty sure. The females have two vaginas which, when you think about it, is completely nuts. In captivity, the females prefer to have sex with each other instead of males, sometimes in
For more from Soren, check out The Most Appropriately Endangered Species on the Planet and 5 Ham-Fisted Religious Websites.