The 6 Perviest Achievements In Gaming History
Achievements in video games feed right into my OCD tendencies like I assume they must for many people. It's sad, I know, but often they're the only reason I've purchased games that a man my age has no business playing, unless that man also owns several disheveled raincoats and likes to spend his afternoons mumbling in parks.
Sometimes these achievements reward you for simple progression, and other times they force you to engage in pointless nonsense in order to get those (equally pointless, I admit) numbers added to your Gamerscore. And then there are the times a game compels you to engage in acts of deviancy so perverse that suddenly your "hobby" isn't so much an activity you might one day play alongside your kids as it is exhibit A in an upcoming sex-offender risk-level determination. Like how ...
Fable 2 Makes You Have Sex 25 Times (Or Watch Someone Else Doing It)
The second installment of Peter Molyneux's Fable series was an innovator in choice-driven gameplay. The many decisions you made throughout the game had tangible consequences in terms of how you (and your stupid dog) looked and the way the story progressed. However, to get the "Paramour" achievement, you only needed to make one choice. A repetitive but sexy choice: to engage in intercourse with one of the non-player characters 25 times.
Notice how it doesn't specify which species the other participant has to be.
OK, that sounds a little exhausting and potentially problematic should the real-life spouse walk in while you're in the middle of chasing this particular crotch-dragon. Especially since the achievement counts only when you're doing it with someone whom you've convinced to "love" you -- meaning you're having constant, pixelated coitus with an in-game spouse. But you might be able to talk your way out of the situation by explaining that at least you're not hiring any of the game's plentiful, often exceedingly homely prostitutes.
"You're imagining her while we're making love, you bastard?"
"Well, um ... yeah, sure."
Things get a little shady when you figure out that you can go full Mormon and propose to just about any NPC you happen across, and if you have the inclination you can start up different families in every town dotting the game's open world. Making that scenario happen takes about as much work as you'd expect, and if you don't keep any of your spouses' "happiness ratings" up to acceptable levels, they may start regretting their decision and ask for a divorce faster than Tom Cruise's next church-approved wife.
They also may even start cheating on you, but did you happen to read the whole description of requirements for the "Paramour" achievement? Yes, you could always try to save the marriage and spice up your love life by having a friend watch while you play "where'd that pesky pickle go?" with your beloved. Alternately, you could kill two birds with one bone (I'm not apologizing for that joke) and work on "The Swinger" achievement simultaneously, by dragging them both along to an orgy with those aforementioned prostitutes.
Who ever said Feudalism wasn't a party?
Asura's Wrath Has An Award For Ogling Boobs
Asura's Wrath told the story of a demigod not named Kratos who goes around revenge-slaughtering other demigods. The game is notable for its over-the-top style and is actually more like interactive anime than an actual game. And like most fans of anime, the main character is absolutely flabbergasted when in the presence of female breasts.
Nice, but could use more tentacle.
Like with many of the achievements here, you're not required to do much in order to get the "View Of The Valley" achievement, other than be willing to debase yourself via a few simple button presses. Or, as they put it, "give in to your male instincts." Incidentally, in my case, that meant laughing at my own farts and then taking a nap.
So I'm supposed to stop playing for a few minutes and throw out my wife's Downton Abbey DVDs?
The game moves along episodically, and once you reach Chapter 10, you find yourself in a hot tub situation with your aged but ripple-chested, disconcertingly nude master. After briefly berating you, his equally pantsless student, the old master calls over two "handmaidens" to serve you both some sake. After a brief demonstration of freakishly unrealistic jiggle physics technology, one of the scantily clad women serves you as the camera lingers and pans over her ample but seemingly polyurethane-based endowments, and you react to the realization of the presence of honest-to-gosh tits with an audible "boing!"
Very exciting indeed, if you're the type of guy who's common-law married
to a headless mannequin in the basement.
To get the achievement, all you have to do is focus the camera angle in for a close-up on those oddly swaying jubblies, and boing! The 15 points are yours. But it doesn't end there. Next you can perform a series of actions to fill up your "Burst Gauge," and once you're good and worked up you'll enter a cutscene where you close in with your filthy mitts for an unwarranted grope and receive a brutal punch in the schnoz for your troubles.
So there's no actual intercourse or anything, just a few juvenile minigames about titties and an attempted sexual assault. But imagine how frustrating this must be for your average 13-year-old, most of whom froth over with hormones at the slightest chance to just get a peripheral glance at some side-boobage. If people really want to show a link between teenage violence and video games they can probably start making their case right fucking here.
Buying your son a subscription to Swank might sound crazy,
but it may potentially save countless lives.
Duke Nukem 3D Has You Tip A Poorly Rendered Stripper
The Duke Nukem franchise's entire shtick is based on an attempt at politically incorrect cleverness that comes off more like a 9-year-old reading the joke section from Hustler out loud to a group of ex-cons. So it may not come as a shock that one of the achievements in Duke Nukem 3D requires that you stuff a wadded-up banknote in the g-string of a stripper.
Confusing teenagers everywhere into thinking that giving strippers money
results in any kind of satisfaction.
It's not really as scandalous as it sounds, since the shoddy graphics could only render the female form and accompanying pasties in a way that was just slightly less crude than the dialogue.
"Hey little lady, it looks like you're in fuck! Get it? Fuck rhymes with luck!"
But it's just so ... ugh. The "Shake It Baby" achievement reaches a level of brute crassness that only an actual spokesman for the Summer's Eve product line could accurately describe in terms of douche-chill severity. One can only wonder how many takes it took voice actor Jon St. John to completely nail those masterworks of cringeworthiness, and what exact corner of the Alaskan wilderness he may have fled to in order to reevaluate his life.
Oh, by the way, after handing the strippers your cash you also have the option of blowing them to smithereens.
Luckily, the right to sociopathically murder virtual exotic dancers is protected
under the third chapter of the Unabomber Manifesto.
And even after 15 years of development, during which the original developers surely died of exposure combined with industrial paint fume inhalation, things somehow got even worse. The latest, ill-fated entry in the series, Duke Nukem Forever, which you may remember as that game you didn't buy even before reading the reviews, featured "edgy" knee-slappers about rape and abortion. And then, just to ramp up the shittiness to "crime against humanity" levels, they encourage you to retrieve an actual shit out of a toilet for an achievement called "Turd Burglar."
Even a boost from the German market couldn't keep sales figures out of the red.
You Get Rewarded For Jackin' It In Metal Gear Solid
Frankly, I find it hard to take the Metal Gear games seriously. Half the male characters look like Caitlyn Jenner's outtakes from the Vanity Fair shoot, and with character names like "Solid Snake" and "Liquid Snake," I start to wonder if I'm playing a game or watching a badly translated Japanese commercial for erectile dysfunction. But at least they aren't above a little self-deprecation, or in this case self-abuse, as demonstrated in the port of Metal Gear Solid 2 included in the Metal Gear Solid HD Collection, in which you're caught by your handler while handling your cock.
If you're so stealthy that you can rub one out while surrounded by armed gunmen,
there's really no more that you need to be taught.
The name of this achievement, "Snake Beater," gives you the basic gist of what's about to go down. During one section of the game you come across a locker containing a poster of a girl wearing a bikini. So, like any highly trained special forces operator in the middle of a mission deep behind enemy lines, you take a short break to start making out with said poster. That's worth 10 Gamerpoints.
Jesse Ventura almost assuredly has a story like this from his time as a SEAL.
This is all very exciting, so obviously your blood pressure levels begin to spike. Naturally, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know Solid Snake's pulled out his trusty sidekick, Trouser Snake, in order to alleviate some of the tension. It's a special moment, but it's a shame that nobody's around to share it with you. So your next impulse is to dial up your old pal Otacon on the commlink to receive 10 more points and a stern reprimand for masturbating while on duty.
This may all seem to be just a bit of lighthearted fun. But if viewed through the lens of a training simulator, this scenario could teach an important lesson to our forces in the field. Namely, don't bother calling that fucking Otacon when it's time to party.
He's not even making eye contact, the goddamn prude.
You Must Watch Your Parents Have Sex For 60 Seconds In South Park: The Stick Of Truth
With a game that sees you travel the length of a leather submissive's detritus-filled colon and rewards you for farting on the corpse of an aborted Nazi fetus, you get the impression that Misters Parker and Stone might in fact be trying to offend certain people's sensibilities. In fact, their level of self-awareness was such that they went ahead and named the arguably most controversial achievement in The Stick Of Truth as accurately as possible: "Perverted."
Not a whole lot of subtlety to wade through there.
And that about sums it up. They obviously meant for this to be a ridiculous gross-out joke, but it's surprisingly intense. While you're shrunken down to the size of a gnome (underpants gnome, to be precise) in the middle of a mission, you find yourself on top of your parents' dresser while they're engaged in intense, multi-positional coitus. It's easily missable and requires a purposeful action: stop what you're doing for a full minute and stare.
You'd think he'd at least step behind those sunglasses
to eliminate some of the moisture-glare.
Hell, you can make the player-controlled character watch his parents bang as long as you want. You don't have to stop after the minute's up. You can just keep it playing in the background and invite the neighbors over, just to gauge how "open-minded" they are, while you raise one eyebrow repeatedly and gesture with your head toward the running shower in the master bedroom. Worth a shot, right?
Anyway, if you had to wince your way through that achievement, things don't get much more pleasant from there, as the next sequence sees you do battle with an underpants gnome warlock while trying to evade the pendulous, incoming swings of your father's ballbag.
Sometimes you have to think hard about the meaning behind a metaphor, and other times
you're just watching a bearded child being crushed to death by his dad's scrotum.
Everything In Dead Or Alive Xtreme 2 Is Maximum Skeev
Dead Or Alive sounds like it must be some kind of edge-of-your-seat, zombie-themed survival horror experience, but it's actually a series that started out as a fighting game in the vein of Fatal Fury and Mortal Kombat and then evolved to include ... volleyball? If that doesn't seem to make much sense, then have a gander at the main characters.
Yeah, volleyball was probably a wiser choice than a WNBA sim.
Boasting groundbreaking boob physics, the Dead Or Alive games are clearly less about intense, challenging gameplay and more about letting the player ogle pixelated lady humps. This is reflected most in Dead Or Alive Xtreme 2, in which all pretenses are thoroughly abandoned and every single achievement is wholly dependent on how many skimpy outfits you can collect. Outfits like this:
Maybe they were attacked by a very precise, lycra-starved shark.
To acquire these outfits, you must take control of the women as they engage in challenging and pulse-pounding activities such as riding down a pool slide and "Butt Battle." There are 46 achievements in total, and an even further shitload of different variations on the Borat swimsuits from above to collect. So that means true completionists will need to put in a lot of hours banging those glutes, which can admittedly be a challenge considering the true aficionados are limited to playing with just one hand.
You can literally play this game for months and the only violence you'll see
is when you have to go to the emergency room for groin blisters.
Yeah, it's pretty creeptastic. But there are definitely worse ways you could be spending your time. Like, for instance, playing with the officially licensed, provocatively posed, dolls based on the characters from the game. Personally, I'm just going to assume that ordering one of these automatically puts you on a government watchlist.
It's probably safe.
Then again, the same could probably be said for getting any of the achievements on this list.
E. Reid Ross also slanders dogs over at Man Cave Daily. Feel free to follow him on Twitter here.
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For more from Ross, check out 7 Sexy Japanese Game Shows That Will Make You Hate Sex and 5 Ridiculous Animals That Nature Clearly Hates.