The 6 Most Terrifying Sex Illustrations on Wikipedia
In the days before the Internet, teenagers had basically two options to learn the ins and outs of boning. They amounted to either A) scrambled cable softcore, which was like watching two swarms of bees fighting in a motel room made of non-Euclidean geometry, or B) chancing upon a drifter's cache of Juggs secreted away in the woods behind the neighborhood liquor store.
After the USSR fell, the West briefly replaced Santa with Magda The Six-Bosomed Solstice Witch as a show of good faith.
Nowadays, young folks don't have to hazard a vagrant named "Clawhammer Jack" double-fisting bottles of cooking sherry to learn coital choreography. (Spoiled rotten, they are.) No, they can just turn to Wikipedia, that website known throughout the land for drowning the Encyclopedia Britannica factory in unwanted knowledge and tears.
Despite being one of the most visited sites on the Internet, Wikipedia is jam-packed with marvelously janky doodles of dead-eyed humans doing it. And most aren't hidden in the exile zones of Wikimedia Commons. No, most of these pictures accompany articles linked at the bottom of the Wikipedia page for "Sex," which happens to be one of Wikipedia's Top 10 pages.
Many of these illustrations are goddamn hilarious, as they use a sterile art style reminiscent of airline safety pamphlets. It's like everybody survived a plane crash and celebrated with an orgy. Take this picture below, which adorns a bunch of international Wiki entries for "prostitute." This guy clearly stole a first responder's car and tore ass to the nearest "abandoned warehouse" district.
"When I found out my seat cushion doubled as a flotation device, boy howdy, was I hard as a rock!"
I won't deny that there's educational value in knowing the exact mechanics of the ol' gamete rodeo. Given the dismal state of public library funding, a curious cardholder looking for the Kama Sutra inevitably must make due with half a dog-eared copy of Moby-Dick that smells like KOOLs. (Without these Wikipedia pages, we'd likely see a massive uptick in indecent exposure arrests on whale-watching tours.)
But I will say that -- with many of these drawings -- it's unclear where pedagogy ends and "the artist was obviously wanking the whole time" begins. Well, one guy alone drew dozens of them (link NSFW). If you're a Madison Avenue type who needs public domain bukkake clip art to advertise your client's shoehorn, now you know where to go.
"Thank you for fulfilling my dream of living as a bassoon for a day."
Without further ado, here's the most brain-melting Wikipedia art of people in flagrante delicto. Again, these are easily accessible pictures from one of the most popular websites on the planet. As of press time, all of them were top images, unless otherwise specified. (Images have been censored for those working readers whose HR reps don't have an anilingus policy on the books).
The Most Placid Fisting Ever
From The Wikipedia Page For: "Fisting"
Look at that lady's face. I'm sorry, nobody in the history of fisting -- whether fistee or fister -- has ever made that damn face. That's a beatific expression reserved for occasions like "a new delivery of wainscoting" or "a perfectly seasoned shepherd's pie" or "the third consecutive 67-degree day this week" -- not "becoming your own human hand puppet." This picture belongs on the album cover for Pure Moods for Fisting. (Also, what's up with the blue background? It's like a lazy day in the Fortress of Solitude.)
Liza Minnelli, Turning into a Werewolf?
From The Wikipedia Page For: "Cum Shot"
Good gravy, that is some eyes of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg shit right there. Anyhow, there was no way we could run this picture unedited, but I also needed to convey how absolutely ghastly her overall facial expression is. The closest approximation I could find was Jaws' mouth flipped upside down. MS Paint, to the rescue.
Whatever the Heck This Is
From The Wikipedia Page For: "Gonzo Pornography"
This picture is supposed to represent "point-of-view pornography," not "the miniature angel and devil that sit on characters' shoulders in Looney Tunes cartoons, blowing each other."
Also, I'm writing this particular entry in a coffee shop, so I really can't look at the above picture and let it inspire another rib-tickling turn of phrase. All I can really say is, uh, "Those kids really got moxie."
Related: Where The Heck Did Mike Myers Go?
From The Wikipedia Page For: "Facial"
I really hope there is an innocent, unsullied soul out there who's actually finding these drawings of facials super-educational. Like, an 89-year-old Amish man sees this photo -- which I had to embellish with an MS Paint Lucha Libre mask -- and an old-timey candle lights up in his brain and he says out loud to nobody in particular, "ACH, I never knew you could put thart on thert!" (By the way, I call Internet dibs on a reality show called 30 Minutes of an Amish Grandfather Using the Internet. Nobody pitch that shit to TLC when I'm not paying attention.)
Incidentally, the Wikipedia page for "Facial" has more than one illustration of women totally not enjoying said pornographic hallmark. Again, I had to give this second woman a Luchadora mask so some of you don't get fired from your jobs. You're welcome!
Remember, All of These Pictures Are in the Public Domain
From The Wikipedia Page For: "Snowballing"
For reasons unclear, this particular Wikipedia page boasts two adjacent images. The first is the outtake from The Aristocrats you see above ...
...and the second picture is exactly the same as the first, but one of the women has mysteriously transformed into someone who appears to be beloved children's troubadour Raffi. HEY, WHOEVER DREW THIS, YOU'RE A MONSTER.
Oh, This is Just Gross
From The Wikipedia Page For: "Gokkun"
Gokkun is an onomatopoeic Japanese term for when a woman drinks a Big Gulp's worth of semen from a container. And holy hell, you do not need a picture demonstrating this. Anyone's who experienced the wonder technology that is a cup can put two and two together here. Seriously, there's zip that's educational about this picture. People go on Wikipedia to visualize stuff like fennec foxes and goblin sharks, not "how to drink a crowd-sourced smoothie."
In fact, the illustrator missed the most interesting part of this scenario: the line of harried salarymen waiting in line to donate their seed to the perverted arts. Just imagine: One guy is tapping his foot impatiently. A second man checks his watch and sighs -- he doesn't have all day for this! Yet another man shames himself (and his family) by bringing his own Nalgene (what a novice). Another dude is eating a comically oversized submarine sandwich, the mayo-smeared pickles spilling onto his blazer. Finally, there's a guy at the back of the line inexplicably wearing a Jughead crown. Nobody dares talk to him.
In conclusion, there are merits in illustrating some of the more kinesiologically WTF sexual techniques. But if you're considering drinking "the unspeakable gallon," all of your prior life experiences with non-semen beverages should allow you to freestyle your way across that Rubicon.
You can find Cyriaque Lamar on Twitter.