This story makes me uncomfortable in the soul and in the penis -- but mostly the soul. It seems a hapless fellow by the name of Andrei was just burdened with poontang. He had a girlfriend, but it just wasn't enough. He needed more. So far, not an atypical story. But unfortunately for Andrei, his girlfriend was not down with him putting the bad D to other ladies, so she had to settle the score. And in Russia, where this happened, you settle the score in only the most insane, terrifying way possible. Andrei's girlfriend filled his penis sleeve (it's a thing, look it up) with fiberglass insulation.
Gary Ombler/Dorling Kindersley RF/Getty Images
"It looks like cotton candy; what's the worst that could happen?"
If you've never experienced a handful of fiberglass insulation (especially what we have to assume is the low-budget version readily available in Russia), know that it's kind of like holding the bastard child of steel wool, a cactus, and pure, unfiltered hatred. While it's great for sealing in warmth in walls, it also tends to leave an abundance of sharp, nearly invisible fibers in your flesh that just dig right into you like microscopic snake fangs hungry for your childlike screams. Now take that, and put your dick in it.
"Hey, honey, read this. The guy has even hotter tips than Cosmo."
So Andrei was taken to the hospital, and is probably still crying to this day. Is this story actually true? I don't know. I want to both believe and not believe it, because there's something inherently appealing to me about the idea of a dude jacking off with fiberglass. It really hits you in the Chuck Palahniuk zone of the brain. On the other hand, I'd like to hope no man ever had to experience that. But hey, we all know about it now, so that's something.
Hey, we're not here to judge. Rub your parts together however you want. Just make sure that when you use the "nut crusher" in 15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares you use protection (by protection we mean a medical kit). Don't even get us started on the "Death By Orgasm" in 10 Sex Toys That Make Your Weirdest Fetish Seem Sane. You've been warned.
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