15 Rita Rudner Jokes for the Hall of Fame

‘I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.’

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6 Celebrity Endorsements Obama Should Have Turned Down

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As promised in my article about crazy people endorsing John McCain, I've gone out and found the corresponding crazy-Obamadorsments.

How could I ignore your eloquent demands for a follow up, such as "Where is that nun with the tits from?" and "nun's tits '08!" Not to mention this stunning rejoinder--
Alas, while I tried to man a list with all my might, in the end all I could do was write one. And since you already took Wright and Ayers, I guess I’ll have to dig a little deeper. After all, judging from the feedback, Cracked has become a serious news organization beholden to equal time laws and looked up to for unbiased, incisive political reportage, in addition to pictures of boobies. It’s in that spirit that I bring you 6 public figures whose endorsements of Obama are so detrimental that they somehow beat out the endorsement of Jesse Jackson, a man who threatened to cut Obama’s nuts off, but, you know, still totally supports him. Also in that spirit, here is a picture of boobies. And no, I don't know where they came from. Shut up.

Rosie O’Donnell/Michael Moore

Okay, I guess this list actually has seven people on it. But I’m counting O’Donnell and Moore as one entry for the following two reasons:
  • Their insanity takes roughly the same form, which is to say countering liars like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly by lying just as loudly and twice as condescendingly.
  • Their silhouettes are pretty much indistinguishable.
    • For ease of reading, I will henceforth refer to them collectively as “Mosie O’Moorenell.”

    The O’Moorenell Bump:

    You’ve got to give Mosie an “A” for effort. Whatever their support for Obama may lack in credibility, they make up for with repetition and, well, making things up. One of them was recently named one of the 100 most influential people by Time, and the other tosses a wicked Koosh ball. And with O’Moorenell putting their nasal, blasting voices to work on The View and in a string of hit documentaries, an endorsement from the bloated beast ought to be highly prized.

    The Crazy:

    There’s a point at which, even if you want to believe something, you have to just call “bullshit.” Take SiCKO, for example. If you’re unfamiliar,
    SiCKO is an O’Moorenell documentary that takes as its thesis that everywhere in the world except America, pregnant mothers are paid small fortunes to take off work for two years and get waited on hand and foot by trained government nannies who are also the world’s top neurosurgeons (you know, in case anything happens). Similarly, O’Moorenell has hammered away at logical political discourse with such nuggets of wisdom as “I hope the Catholic Church gets sued until the end of time,” “if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament,” and “if you own a gun, I think you should go to prison.” Which, if you ask me, would just make prisons even
    more dangerous. Which is not to mention Mosie’s questioning of Donald Trump’s moral compass after he reinstated Miss USA Tara Connor. Come off it, Mosie; Trump is this nation’s beating heart, and you and I both know it.

    What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

    5. Christopher Hitchens

    For someone whose name is basically "Christ-opher Christians," Hitchens isn’t much of a Bible thumper. In fact, the only time he’s thumping a Bible is when he’s trying to work it through a particularly stubborn shredder. Aside from being actively anti-religious, Hitchens spends his time writing about his own philosophy and somehow getting paid a lot to do so. So there, Mom.

    The Hitchens Bump:

    One of the world’s leading antitheists and philosophical speakers, Hitchens is like catnip to the elites. Not a lot can tie up the intellectual, liberal vote quite like the endorsement of a God-hating philosopher and political pundit. If he happens to call himself an “independent secular humanist” and refuses to align himself with one political party, all the better. Democrats love that shit. Plus he’s got a British accent, which plays with smart crowds almost as well as with College girls.

    The Crazy:

    There may be such a thing as too elite. Sure, Barack wants to be portrayed as the intelligent, well-spoken candidate, but Hitchens’ brand of “I’m right, you’re wrong” rhetoric can alienate, say, everyone who doesn’t agree with him on every issue. And some issues are touchier than others. I don’t care how well reasoned his arguments are, writing a book called
    No One Left to Lie To: The Triangulations of William Jefferson Clinton isn’t the quickest way to rouse the Democratic voters. Unless his intention is to arouse them in the form of a torch-wielding mob, that is. What could be worse than writing a book slamming Clinton? How about one slamming Mother Theresa called Missionary Position? We get it; you’re not down with religion. But come on man, writing a whole book ragging on possibly the most beloved dead nun of all time? And naming the book after a bland, banal sex act? She’s a
    saint, dude. Literally.

    What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

    4. Dennis Hopper

    That’s right, the bad guy from Speed. He’s had a storied film career, five wives, and provided the voice of Steve Scott in GTA: Vice City. Apparently after all that there’s not a lot left to do besides let people who wander by your house know that you’re famous, and you’ll be voting Democratic this year.

    The Hopper Bump:

    Certainly, the endorsement of any Academy Award-nominee is a plus. After all, the American people take nothing to heart so much as the political stances of the giant people they see on the big light screen. Hopper’s also getting up in years, and with Newman gone, he’s one of the leading contenders for “respectable, grizzled older actor guy,” a coveted prize for politicians and embarrassingly young trophy wives alike. Besides, winning the support of a guy who donated thousands of dollars to the Republican National Committee in 2004 and 2005 and is appearing in
    An American Carol with Jon Voight and Bill O’Reilly this year is almost like turning Vader at the end of Return of the Jedi. That’s got to count for something, right?

    The Crazy:

    Hopper’s always been pigeonholed as the “manically insane guy,” and there may be a reason for that. He’s run the rehab gamut, had a one week marriage, and was at one time blacklisted in Hollywood for refusing direction on eighty takes over the course of a few days. But the incident that got him on this list involves him and Rip Torn having an altercation (insofar as one is capable of having an altercation with Rip Torn) on the set of Easy Rider. The details are hazy, but Hopper was ultimately fined $900,000 for pulling a knife on Torn, which is like pulling a knife on Smokey the Bear. Which is to say, not cool. Of course, this only came to light in 1999, after Hopper claimed that Rip Torn pulled a knife on
    him during a Jay Leno interview. Rip Torn filed a defamation suit, claiming that it was actually Hopper who pulled the knife. After getting a look at Rip Torn, the judge quickly agreed that this was a far more likely scenario.
    Oh, and Hopper also painted this:
    I’m not saying it makes him crazy, I’m just saying my art is mostly of puppies playing on a beach at sunset, and I’m the sanest guy we know.

    What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

    50 Cent

    Curtis James Jackson III, everyone’s favorite ex-crack dealer, says he was finally won over by Obama when he delivered a speech on race. In his own words, “He hit me with that he-just-got-done-watching-'Malcolm X,' and I swear to God, I'm like, 'Yo, Obama!” When Obama failed to answer back from the television set, 50 decided this cat may just be hard enough to deserve his vote. That, and there’s
    no way he’s backing the same candidate as his archrival, Daddy Yankee.

    The Fiddy Bump:

    Candidates are always looking for ways to electrify the youth, and with two Platinum albums under his belt, 50 has a proven track record of saying words into the ears of young people all across America. Of course, that doesn’t mean they’ll do everything he says. If it did, candy shops everywhere would be doing record lollypop business. But having someone on his side who's taken nine bullets and lived to tell the tale might just give that “street” edge Obama’s always trying to get across some real legitimacy.

    The Crazy:

    I’m not going to call 50 Cent crazy for selling crack and running guns and drug money since the age of twelve. As someone who’s been in that boat more times than I care to recall, I understand that there are days when a rock and a Glock are your only friends. Besides, if that were the standard of insanity for rappers, this list would become longer than the amount of words I’m paid to write. Where Fiddy distinguishes himself from the common celebrity psychopath is in his seeming unawareness that he no longer needs to get shot at. After soaking up more gunfire than Beirut, making a video game about it, and appearing in a movie with DeNiro and Pacino, he still seems to go out of his way to piss off guys with guns. Most rappers have beefs with other artists; it’s all part of the act. But in the vast majority of cases, the arguments rarely go beyond a publicity stunt and some lyrics about Suge Knight being a homosexual. Not Mr. Cent. Since his rise to fame, he’s been stabbed because of a dispute with Ja Rule and Murder, Inc., written songs attacking Fat Joe, Nas, and Jadakiss and accusing P. Diddy of The Notorious B.I.G.’s murder, and continues a feud with The Game that has resulted in gunshot wounds to several parties. Now, I don’t claim to know a lot about rap, but near as I can tell, 50 Cent literally hates
    all other rappers, and frequently uses his music as a medium for challenging them to gun battles. It was Get Rich OR Die Tryin’, Fiddy. You’re rich now, which means you don’t have to follow through on the death bit. What’s say you squash all that beef, and we cook us some burgers?

    What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

    Phil Spector

    The brain behind such masterpieces as the Beatles’ Let it Be and the Ramones’ End of the Century, Phil Spector is one of the most respected names in music production. Plus he’s got a spooky last name.

    The Spector Bump:

    Spector invented the “wall of sound” production technique, which definitely sounds like an effective campaigning tool. And when it comes to getting your message repeated on the airwaves, Spector can’t be beat. After all, he produced the Righteous Brother’s
    You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’, the most played song of the 20th century. And great news! He was just photographed wearing a “Barack Obama Rocks” pin!

    The Crazy:

    Unfortunately, he was wearing that pin at his murder trial. For murder. And he looks like this:
    And you know that Ramones album I mentioned earlier? While they were recording it, Spector made Dee Dee play bass to his specifications at gunpoint and then forced them to re-record the opening chord to “Rock and Roll High School” for eight hours. Other people Spector has pointed a loaded gun at in the studio include Leonard Cohen and John Lennon. He also kept a gold-plated coffin in his basement that he vowed to display his wife’s corpse in if she ever cheated. Then there’s keeping their son locked in his room with a chamber pot and, oh yeah, killing someone. That last bit isn’t proven yet, legally, but I think the rest is more than enough to earn Spector a coveted two-spot on this list.

    What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

    Louis Farrakhan

    Farrakhan, known in his heyday as “The Charmer,” was a well-known calypso singer and renowned violinist in the 1940’s and 50’s, who has since worked tirelessly for equal rights and many other important causes. There’s also some other stuff in his bio about the Nation of Islam, but I wasn’t really clear on the details. I think it’s an ice cream parlor.

    The Farrakhan Bump:

    Besides having the ear of calypso fans across the globe, Farrakhan is a vaunted leader to millions of African Americans. He organized the Million Man March (that’s like, ten thousand votes right there) and was named “Person of the Year” by BET in 2005, narrowly beating out Moesha. Plus his last name used to be “X,” which is just about as badass as you can get without investing in a chainsaw hand. And guess what? In
    a recent speech, he referred to Obama as “The Messiah.” Sounds like an endorsement to me!

    The Crazy:

    Well, first off, he called Obama “The Messiah.” And that’s nothing when it comes to the crazy shit that’s come out of Farrakhan’s mouth. For example, there’s a good amount of debate as to whether he once referred to Judaism as “a gutter religion.” Although to be fair, many in the audience claim he said “butter religion” and was misquoted. But even if he didn’t knock the Jews, his handling of the ensuing controversy tells you pretty much all you need to know. After his accusers creatively dubbed him “black Hitler,” he responded by pointing out that Hitler wasn’t really so bad. Specifically, he said “they call me Hitler. Well that’s a good name. Hitler was a very great man.” Yes, I’m taking that quote somewhat out of context, but YOU try putting it in a non-offensive context. Other doozies include:
  • “I want to see black intellectuals ... not controlled by members of the Jewish community.”
  • “Murder and lying comes easy for white people.”
  • “I know this man Cokely. If he said it, he’s got the stuff to back it up.”
    • The last is in reference to Steve Cokely’s assertion that Jews injected black children with AIDS as part of an international conspiracy to take over the world. If Cokely's got the evidence to back that up, I'd REALLY like to see it. Of course, it wouldn’t quite be the bottom of the loony well without a UFO mention. During a 1989 press conference, Farrakhan attributed much of his drive and success to a vision he had in Mexico of a “Wheel, or what you would call an Unidentified Flying Object” that flew him to a “human built planet” (likely Coruscant), where he was spoken to by his dead mentor (likely Alec Guinness in semi-opaque blue). That, folks, is Kucinich crazy. I mean, hell, I go out to the desert and have visions of aliens like once a month, and you don’t see me holding press conferences about them. I just pay my dealer and move on.

    What The Endorsement Says About The Campaign:

    Think that’s a downer, Obama boosters? Allow me to leave you with the worst possible campaign endorsement short of Satan manifesting on Earth to attend a swing state rally in a "Hope" shirt.
    When not writing for Cracked, Michael lives in a state of constant political neutrality as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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