So apparently wealthy Russians are paying up to $5,000 a pop to go on pirate hunting vacations. On board yachts manned by heavily armed mercenaries, they cruise around the coast of Africa trying to lure Somalian pirates into attacking them. Should any pirates be foolhardy enough to do so, the Russians then fire a flurry of bullets and explosives at them, who often react to this surprising development by dying. If this sounds to you like wealthy assholes murdering people under the thinnest possible pretense of "self defense," congratulations on not being a monster. Your parents clearly didn't fuck up that bad.
Killing people for sport used to be one of our cultures most hallowed touchpoints. From short stories to novels to about 30 different episodes of Star Trek, the premise has been used in dozens of different forms. Which is great, when it's
fiction. Normal healthy people like comedy writers have long learned to enjoy fiction as a release when we have those "I wonder what killing some dudes with a crossbow feels like" moments. So why haven't the Russians?
It occurred to me that Russians haven't had nearly the same exposure to Western pop culture that I have, me having been born in a video store and raised by a tape of recorded Knight Rider episodes. So I decided that to help Cracked's wealthy Russian readership, I'd enumerate the best fictional examples of people being hunted for sport that civilization ever produced on the VHS format. Non-wealthy-Russian readers will derive no pleasure from this at all.
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Death Race 2000People hunted for sport: Pedestrians
The low down:
America is a dystopic wasteland in the quaintly old-fashioned futuristic year of 2000. A fascist government led by Mister President (that is his name), keeps the people entertained by staging bloody gladiatorial style contests. The most notable of these contests is the Transcontinental Road Race, where competitors get bonus points for running down innocent pedestrians while driving themed automobiles.
Why it's awesome:
Well, it's got men in costumes running down people in themed automobiles. Do I have to continue? All right. Less awesome, but interesting is the presence of Sylvester Stallone, during that part of his career after he stopped doing porn, but before he did Rocky. Also notable is the part of Frankenstein as played by David Carradine, whose recent probable-penis-related death makes enjoying this tale of butchery somewhat more bittersweet.
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The Running ManPeople hunted for sport: Criminals
The low down:
Another one set in a dystopic future, The Running Man focuses on a popular game show where contestants are expected to run and die. Convicted of a crime he didn't boo-fucking-hoo, Arnold Schwarzenegger is forced to compete in this horrible game, and as you can imagine, is gruesomely killed. Ha, no seriously, it's Arnold--he tears the place apart and ruins everyone's fucking day. When you throw a 230-pound Austrian mutant in your death arena, try not to look surprised when he rips your neck out through your ass and says some glib neck related pun to the camera.
Why it's awesome:
This movie is from back in the day, and back in the day, Arnold was rad, full stop. But aside from Arnie, this movie also featured "stalkers"--hunters who who chase the contestants on the show, and kill them with various themed weapons. Subzero, Buzzkill and Fireball were all lunatics with themes made guessable by the show's stalker naming conventions. But the true star of the show was Dynamo, a huge tub of hilarity who cruises around the game zone in an armored golf cart, wearing hockey pads with blinking LEDs stuck to them. He's eventually defeated when he falls over and is unable to right himself. It's so pathetic that Arnold refuses to kill him. That's pretty terrible--in 80s movies Arnold rarely walked away from an alive bad guy--he once punched a camel to death for bumping in to him slightly.
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Hard TargetPeople hunted for sport: Homeless people
The low down:
Jean Claude Van Damme is a homeless man who, like all homeless men, has a body of banded steel and a magnificent mane of hair. After agreeing to help a female who is probably a reporter, he begins investigating a group of wealthy businessmen who hunt homeless people for sport.
Why it's awesome:
Those glorious locks of hair for one. This was also Van Damme at his peak, but before he started playing two characters in the same movie--which math tells us should be twice as good, but somehow isn't. Thanks math. This movie also features Wilford Brimley killing guys with a hunting bow, which makes the film at least twice as badass as
Cocoon, Brimley's previous most badass film.
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Gymkata People hunted for sport: Gymnasts
The low down:
An Olympic gymnast is asked by the American government to participate in a deadly competition in the possibly fictional country of Parmistan. The competition, creatively called "The Game," is a sort of endurance race that features obstacles like ninjas and pitchforks. Our hero uses his twin skills of gymnastics and karate to win the game and kill some asshole who'd been hassling him.
Why it's awesome:
Here's a fight scene set in the Pommel Horse Square of a Parmistanian village:
This will be familiar to most foreign readers, but I should mention for any unworldly American readers that Pommel Horse Squares are a common gathering place in many rural European communities, and you should be embarrassed you'd never heard about it until now. Your education system is a joke.
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The Man with the Golden GunPeople hunted for sport: British Secret Agents
The low down:
Francisco Scaramanga is an assassin with an extra nipple and a taste for bloodsport. At multiple times during the film he hunts people on the grounds of his island in the South China Sea with the help of his pet midget.
Why it's awesome:
The fact that killing people for sport was the least ridiculous part of that description should tell you how incredible
Bond movies of the Roger Moore vintage were. Not bloodsport related, but still awesome: The Man with the Golden Gun has maybe the most impressive car stunt ever, the infamous spiral ramp jump. While dinking around on the Internet I found out that during the 70s, they used to do this shit in front of paying audiences, I guess while everyone was waiting for YouTube to be invented.
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PredatorPeople hunted for sport: Wise talking soldiers
The low down:
An alien hunter lands on Earth and begins hunting the Earth's most powerful warriors, including Conan the Barbarian and Apollo Creed.
Why it's awesome:
Because it's fucking Predator, that's why. Broken down into its discrete elements, it's got gunplay, a ragtag group of soldiers, an alien and homemade booby traps. This movie won 28 Academy Awards in the imaginary land where I go when I sleep.
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