The 5 Most Spectacularly Unsexy Workout Videos Ever
Young At Heart Body Conditioning with Estelle, 1993When a woman is post menopausal, her body starts to deteriorate. Some say this is the natural aging process; others argue that it's because she no longer gets the workout of strapping herself into a 60-pound menstrual belt seven times a day. Whatever the reason, beloved TV icon Estelle Getty starred in an aerobics video to fight it. The routine was designed by fitness expert Raphael Picaud, a man far too foreign to be understood or trusted by the elderly. Which may be why Estelle and her co-hosts tentatively performed each movement as if Raphael was trying to trick them into snapping in half. They moved so slowly that I checked the credits for wax sculptors.Estelle approached her sudden role as fitness guru with all the enthusiasm of a fluffer on the set of B.J. and the Bear -- numbly going through the motions while she wondered how she got there. And to give you an idea of the workout's intensity, the entire routine could be done while sitting in a chair. They moved so slowly that most of this tape's target audience thought they were looking at a photo of a tragic gas leak. In addition to that, the script was obnoxious enough to inspire your in-home caregiver to switch the labels on your medicine. Old people would rather watch their toe gout inflame than Young At Heart. If you brought this video up to Estelle, God rest her soul, she would change the subject to
Women At Large: Breakout, 1987Women at Large is the first exercise program designed for large women by large women. Because when your target weight is "large" that really lets you relax. Hell, you can reach that goal with NCIS and a pizza.The hostesses begin the video by listing their accomplishments and qualifications. Sharlyne has dropped four clothing sizes, has "redesigned her body," and has what she describes as an "incredible" resting heart rate of 60. Which I think means that 60 percent of her blood has retired to become butter. Her co-host Sharon is more modest with her achievements: she no longer requires special medication to stay alive. This video does not exactly shoot for the stars. They admit their goal is not to help you lose weight -- this is so you can one day use a regular toilet.Like all workout videos, it warns you to consult with your physician before any physical activity. But if you're obese and your physician tells you
Baby & You, 1998A Complete Body Workout That You Can Share With Your Baby Baby & You is a team aerobics routine where your partner is an infant strapped to your chest. I suppose one of you is more like an unwilling prop. How do things like this happen? Did someone see a Shakeweight commercial and think, "I can make one of those myself with a little sperm and nine months of gestation." What's more notable than how pointlessly stupid this is is that this may be the first warning on a workout video that's there for someone's actual safety and not as legal umbrella for liability. I mean, besides the obvious risk of dropped babies, look at the dangers involved in using this tape:
This video has a chance of giving you something called "Bright Red Vaginal Discharge." I wouldn't wish that name on my worst enemy's band. What's the treatment for something as terrifying as Bright Red Vaginal Discharge? A wizard with a runed cork? I swear if I was a gynecologist I would misdiagnose the coming of a biblical apocalypse every single day I was at work. And if one of my patients came to me asking if she should do aerobics while wearing a baby I'd tell her to leave her the kid alone -- it'd be more medically responsible if I just gave her 22 breast implants instead.
Pregnancy Exercise Program, 1985The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists As you know, every workout video starts with a warning, but this one is almost more of an apology. An unidentified man in what has got to be a fake mustache comes on to make excuses for how easy all these exercises are going to be. This might require an explanation if these were a bunch of women with beer bellies, but I think I'm capable of figuring out why pregnant women aren't throwing medicine balls at each other's stomachs.There's something creepy about a man in a fake mustache introducing a pregnant aerobics video. I doubt anyone bought this tape to masturbate to, but now I'm sort of thinking that's what this guy intended. This guy's entire face is nature's warning that inappropriate things give him an erection. This is the kind of guy who sees a sonogram and accidentally says, "How young is too young, am I right!? Yum!"Once the doctor(?) leaves, this video might be the most feminine thing ever made. Five women in leotards are gracefully moving like they were inseminated by unicorns. The set is five giant birth control pills floating in a pink sunset. These women are so soft and pure that I can feel my 5 o'clock shadow scuffing their beauty when I look directly at them. This video makes me want to call ex girlfriends and apologize. And the creepy guy wasn't kidding about this routine being easy. It was probably tougher for these women to squeeze 36 combined months of pregnancy into five catsuits than it was for them to gently stir to adult contemporary music. In fact, most of their workout is a simultaneous nap. No bullshit, for over seven minutes they lie motionless while the camera gets closeups of them pretending to sleep. I can't imagine what creep came up with
Angela Lansbury's Positive Moves, 1988A Personal Plan for Fitness and Well-Being at Any Age After Angela Lansbury made it to the age of 63, she decided it was her duty to share her secrets of long life with the world. Spoiler Alert: she's been putting her mouth over yours while you slept since you were six. She begins the video by admitting she's not an expert in fitness or nutrition, which almost seems like gloating when you're talking to someone who just purchased your product about fitness and nutrition. I guess the first step in Angela Lansbury's wellness program is
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