The Best Answer To Racist Questions About Your Ethnicity
Contrary to popular belief, it's not always appropriate to rip your own face off with your bare hands in public, even if some random person on the street asks what kind of "ethnic" you are and then ponders aloud if you are "some type of Chinese," or poses some other equally disdainful follow-up comment.
Ripping off your own face with your bare hands to finally end the flood of questions regarding your ethnicity, while being the appropriate response, lacks a certain civility. And the mess it makes! Oof! So in your best interest, I've written down some moments and places where it would be totally okay for you to rip your face off with your bare hands without being arrested and/or institutionalized.
When You're A Baby
It doesn't hurt to start young. Faces don't fully attach to the skull until sometime around age two, so a nice clean separation of face skin from skull would be super easy. While it's true that, as a baby, you won't be able to comprehend racism, it's still good practice for a few years down the line, when life and everyone in it forces you to totally get it, and then never stops making you get it.
First Thing In The Morning
If you ask me, there's nothing sweeter than waking up to a hot cup of coffee, a nice warm shower, and the soothing sounds of your own screaming as you rip your face off until you get to the bone.
"Really hope I don't have to spontaneously show off my Ghost Rider impression!"
So start the day off right before you go into your toxic work environment, and indulge in an invigorating angry ripping of your face clean off. Your shitty co-workers might treat you a little bit less like a Latina housemaid and a little more like the receptionist you originally applied to be.
On Your Way To Work
Let's be honest: Getting anywhere in this city is a hassle. Traffic? Train delays? No thank you! And wait, did someone just call you a dirty spic? It's easy to get frustrated at a time like this, but don't let it get the best of you. Relax, roll your eyes to the back of your head, and open your mouth to let out a sound reminiscent of a demonic portal being torn open in the fabric of our reality. Then, slowly -- with care! -- claw your face apart. This will let the spic-shouter know that they've made you feel ashamed of your own skin, yes, but also that you're not one to be messed with. They'll leave you alone; maybe you'll even get a whole subway car all to yourself!
During Your Lunch Break
It's noon at work, and you are ready to eat! When your co-worker James comes by to join you for lunch, avoid the small talk wherein he'll eventually tell you, "I think you'd look really great with makeup. It might make you look less tired and depressed," by standing up and immediately ripping your face apart until the skin no longer looks like it might be reparable.
"Haha! I want to die in the most gruesome way possible!"
Hopefully, James will get the gist and sit at another table, where he can rate the appearance of someone else with a facial structure he's not accustomed too.
Right Before Your Trip To The Water Cooler
Ah, it's that time of the day when you leave your desk for a nice little walk to the water cooler, where you can use the pleasant blue of the jug and its occasional wet gurgles to simulate the Caribbean vacation this dead-end job will ensure you never get to experience. As soon as you see your co-worker Amanda making her way toward your vacation destination, rip your face off with your bare hands while silently (or very loudly) screaming. This way, you and Amanda will have something to talk about other than the usual, "Your hair is so big, wild, and crazy! I wish I had that hair!" conversation that she just always loves to have with you. Hell, you might even find common ground as women if your facial features are completely mauled by your own doing.
During Your Freakout At The Work Meeting
Work getting the best of you? I bet it is. On top of all the other passive-aggressiveness at your workplace, it looks like everyone left for the meeting without you, and locked the door so you couldn't get in. As you put your ear to the door and hear them say, "I'm glad the scary brown girl with bad vibes didn't come," use your hammer to burst through. Once you scare your co-workers a bit more, put them at ease by ripping your face off entirely, and then motion to say, "I come in peace" as the last bit of facial flesh falls to the floor. This will make them laugh, making them see you in a new light as the "nonthreatening faceless girl with really, really good vibes."
At The Meeting With Your Boss
So it looks like things at the office aren't going as planned. You've tried everything -- smiling halfheartedly, wearing a sexy maid costume -- but for some reason, your boss still doesn't like the way you are. As they bring you into their office for a "I have to let you go" chat, dig into your eye sockets and rip your face off from there to avoid crying in front of your boss's cold, icy, white face.
Waiting At A Bus Stop
You were let go from your job, and now it's time to go home. While you wait at a bus stop for a ride, take the liberty of ripping your face off with your bare hands until there is nothing left. Can't be too careful -- at any moment, someone might come up to you asking for directions and following up with "You're mixed, right? Hello? I NEED TO KNOW!"
"No! You don't understand! There's a bomb in my head that will explode if I don't file your racial identity neatly into one of four categories!"
As Crowds of Inquisitive People Come Up To You
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE DAY! Crowds of faceless people (figuratively faceless, not like you) come up to you one after the other, wanting to hear where you're really from. Their hands are made of knives, and they all have cellphones attached to their chests. As soon as you see them coming, stay still. As they ask, "But, like, what's your background? Oriental?" in unison, rip your face apart until you're no longer able to remember what your purpose in life is. As soon as they see that you're just like them (a skull with some skin on it), they'll collapse into dust, whirl into the sky, and turn into a beautiful phoenix, leaving you just enough time to get on the bus home to watch Gilmore Girls reruns in the safety of your home.
On A Date
Going on a date can be a pleasant respite from the daily grind of tearing your face to shreds like it has a prize hidden beneath it. Unless it's a blind date, this person knows exactly what they're getting into, ethnically speaking. So take them to a fancy restaurant and make awkward fluttering gazes at each other over wine. Hold their gaze as you seductively put a napkin on your lap. Touch the nape of their neck with your wet hands on your way back from the bathroom. When the fancy food comes in as you are canoodling in each other's arms and he seductively says, "Is this what your people normally eat?" stare deep into his eyes and unleash an inhuman howl as you slowly rip your face off with all of the forks on the table. He will be impressed at your ability to handle casually flirty racism with grace. As you kiss madly, keep ripping.
At Your New Job
You got a new job! Let them know you're not just another brown person with an attitude problem by cleaning up after the work party you weren't invited to. As you clean around them, make sure to ask if they would like their cups washed or their genitals fondled. If people say, "No, thank you," wink and let them know the offer is on the table.
Talking To Your New Boss About Black Lives Matter
Your new job seems like Heaven on Earth, doesn't it? As you sweep and take out the garbage at your new managerial desk job, make a good impression by chiming in on a Black Lives Matter conversation with your white female boss as she says, "But she must have done something wrong to deserve that punishment. I don't think it has anything to do with her skin color." As she avoids eye contact and walks away from you (as the awkwardness of realizing she's been talking about race within earshot of a nonwhite person compels her to), give your face a good firm rip. You've done it so many times that the numbing sensation of the pain is making you feel high, so keep doing it. You're new, so they'll just think it's one of your fun little quirks!
"There was screaming and sinew everywhere! That new girl, she's a real joker!"
As You Live Out Your Final Moments Of Life
Your first day at work wasn't all that bad! You made a friend in Cheryl from the art department. She's nice! Sure she looks a lot like those faceless people with the cellphones on their chests, but you know better than to discriminate against someone based on looks. As soon as Cheryl mentions your "exotic" look, search for the nearest ankle-high thing so you can trip over it and die. Make sure you hit your head hard, preferably against a sharp desk corner, so that the flame of life is swiftly blown out. As you slowly move in and out of consciousness, use your remaining strength to rip your face off really well, so that the authorities don't have a reason to jail your dead body for being "threatening to the public."
When You Realize Life Is Pain
You are dying. In the death tunnel, your mind spirals with all the aggressions you faced during your life. That time a van of collegiate men drove by and called your family and you the N-word. When, out of nowhere, that man at the bus stop asked if you were Chinese. When Barney the Purple Dinosaur looked directly at you from the other side of the screen and said "RUN." Mourn over these moments by seeing if you can rip your spirit's face off. If your hand goes through and you are unsuccessful, just go through the motions so that other spirits passing by can know that you are dead because you're just tired of this already. So, so tired.
In death's waiting room, you are finally (almost) at peace. You look around and notice that no one here has facial features, including you! Amazing! Your favorite song is playing. And hey, there's even free candy. But wait ... is that James from work? It is James. He doesn't have a face, but that walk ... that's an unmistakable James strut. He must have tripped over something too. Maybe his tongue. He has a question to ask you about a Peruvian dish you might know about -- not just one question, either. All of the questions, it seems. Every question that has ever been and will be asked about Peruvian cuisine. Just be still, and imagine ripping your face off with gusto. Forever.
Lorelei Ramirez is an artist, writer, and comedian living in Brooklyn. Please capture her and take her to jail. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website pileoftears.com.
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