The 12 Most Deeply Unsexy Halloween Costumes
Halloween is a magical time of the year for both attention whores and regular whores. It's a time for unfunny people to demonstrate their shortcomings theatrically. And all that's fine. On Halloween, you're allowed to show the world your terrible sense of humor or tits without judgment. Unless you're dressed like one of these things. We're better than this, and you should be better than this.
The following costumes, available now at most retail outlets, are for stupid assholes. I realize that's a generic and subjective term, so each ensemble will be rated scientifically on three criteria: Wanton Stupidity, Cultural Insensitivity, and Sexual Desperation. Let's begi- oh shit, wait. The results are encoded in Spooooky Vision. You'll need to cut out and wear these Cracked.com Rootin' & Tootin' Halloween 2014 Secret Costume Plus-Size Sexy Cowgirl Spy Goggles Featuring Sunbathin' Borat in order to see them.
OK, NOW let's begin.
Sexy Ebola Nurse
People of the world, it's your duty as individuals to make at least some effort to be interesting. Some of you won't bother, while others might misunderstand what I mean and buy a parrot. But no matter how dull you are, Halloween is your chance to try "fun" and "interesting" out for a day. Don't throw it all away with a Sexy Ebola Nurse costume. Everyone you know was sick of being sick of the Ebola panic long before it infected 70 percent of all Facebook timelines. Here's the good news, though: an Ebola mask really distracts from your problem areas if you're an ugly girl filled with actual infectious diseases.
Zulu Warrior Adult Men's Costume
If you're trying to express everything wrong with you and your sense of humor, this Zulu Warrior costume is a jackpot. There's no apologizing for it. Even if we lived in a world completely without racism, this costume would have just invented it. For instance, it involves holding two pointless bones. That's somehow extra offensive, but why? Were they meant to be tools? Musical instruments? Food? It's quite a discovery. I feel like Zulu Warrior Adult Men's costume may be the key to finally understanding how the mind of a total piece of shit works.
2 Broke Girls Waitress Dress
There are certain TV shows so culturally important they become a part of our shared experience. For instance, if you've never seen Game of Thrones, you may still know what a Red Wedding is or how you need to stop reading if someone types "Ned Stark's head falls off." 2 Broke Girls is not one of those shows. If you told me 2 Broke Girls was a Honey Boo Boo spinoff about the children she maimed in a sitting accident, I'd believe you. I'd have to since there isn't a single neuron in my brain carrying information about the actual 2 Broke Girls show. I don't mean to brag; I just happen to be that lucky.
What do you talk about with a person wearing this? "They made you work on Halloween? Oh ... oh, this is your costume. 'Max. 2 Broke Girls.' Oh, are you, like, promoting the show, or ... no? This ... you just chose to wear THIZzzzzz. Sorry, I started to fall asleep when I pictured spending any more time with you ever, doing anything."
Dressing up as a play on words is a big Halloween risk. At best you're hoping to get zero to one honest laughs from the party's dumbest attendants. And in this case, that's a real danger. The term "happy camper" could certainly be used to describe a child with a boner, but is that really a moment you want to share with anyone? You're dressed as a pun only child pornographers and Family Circus fans would enjoy. That's officially the worst Venn diagram a person can be in the center of, and you're trying to entertain that person? Fuck you, Happy Camper. Fuck you and your clever little child boner.
Ladies Interactive Tetris Costume
This is a mini-dress that lets people, presumably men in Down for the Count costumes (foreshadowing), use your body as a game of Tetris. That's fun and hot, right? Well, not really. Tetris sort of loses its challenge when the pieces are motionless. And girls sort of lose their appeal when they are desperate and Tetris. Besides, the stacking-nature of Tetris would draw your hands steadily away from her main erogenous zone -- she'd have to do a handstand for this to make any sense as foreplay. Realistically, you'd only find this to be a useful invention if you're a creep whose sexual endgame is an unwanted grope. I hate to steal the mission statement from #Gamergate, but this lame fucking thing demeans both women and video games.
Picture someone wearing this Wanna Nookie costume. Really imagine him, rubbing his padded tummy against women. Performing hula moves half-remembered from a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Repeating jokes about "lei-ing" you with an unclear amount of irony. I don't even have a joke about this costume -- I just want to warn Halloween partiers that everyone who has ever been inside it is a rapist.
Little Miss Supreme
This is a troubling outfit. It has all the creepy, inappropriate sexuality of a children's pageant, yet with the totally appropriate sexuality of a loose woman on Halloween. It's like something a genius female scientist would invent to make one-night-stands feel shame for the rest of their lives.
They might have covered this in your health class, ladies, but if a man pursues you while you're dressed like a little girl, don't fuck him. That's a kidnapper, at least. And when they find you in this later, it's only going to confuse the poor FBI profiler examining your body. Because no one will ever guess you put yourself in this outfit. No one.
To someone with a pedestrian sense of humor, a giant shocker hand on your torso says "OUTRAGEOUS!" To everyone else, it says exactly this: "Hey, ladies! Would you like your pelvis treated like a bowling ball!? ... Is what I'd ask if I ever took an interest in your wants or feelings! A judge made me wear this to warn women in the community of the dangers of letting me get to second base! It's faster than turning to you and shrieking LET'S PARTY! I WANT TO PUT MY PINKY IN YOUR BUTTHOLE!!! MOM DESERVED IT WHEN YOU LEFT US, DAAAAAD!!!!"
Adult Skittles Costume Dress
EARTH PARTY, I AM SKITTLES. DO NOT FEAR OR INSPECT ME. I AM SKITTLES.
Down for the Count
Publicly strapping an inflatable woman to your crotch is what's known in the penis community as a "retirement ceremony." If that doll came to life and bit your dick off, you'd have a better chance of getting it in an actual woman's mouth in the chaos of that screaming penis accident. This is a costume for a man who knows exactly how long to microwave a melon to make it feel like a human vagina. Buddhists believe that whenever a plastic bag suffocates a baby, its punishment is to come back as the lower half of a Down for the Count costume.
Tribal Trouble Indian Costume
Here's the strange thing about Halloween costume shopping: you get only about 20 percent of the costume you see in the pictures. So I hope you have your own Native American headdress, you culturally insensitive bitch, because this costume doesn't come with one.
Why bother selling this costume without the hat? Headdress-less, what could it even be? A Texas hooker who fell into a document shredder? A paper snowflake made during a school bus accident? Yo' mama, adventuring through time? With no headdress, this is a shredded-up vinyl bikini and a bolo tie for $90. How can all these sexy women fall for the Halloween industry's obvious lies, yet always seem to know I'm not the real Ashton Kutcher?
When you're in black face and an inflatable cock, it's probably not your fault. Some kind of childhood trauma made you into this monster. Maybe you were trapped in a cargo container while the Wayans brothers workshopped an early draft of a Scary Movie script. Maybe your mohel was confused and left you in a pile of foreskins while your family accidentally raised the hood of your penis. My point is, something unimaginable happened, and here we are with your racist face grinning at us from a giant dick. The only thing that matters now is finding a way to stop you.
Seanbaby is a top humorist and game designer. Geniuses play his critically acclaimed Calculords on their mobile devices. You can follow him on Twitter.
For more of his comical hilarity, see 4 Celebrity Workout Videos That Should Not Have Been or maybe 7 Terrible Sports Achievements (That Will Never Be Equaled).
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