Starpulse And Wide Open Ass???!!!

I've often blogged about my disdain for Starpulse.com. They like to create a four sentence story from one Associated Press celebrity quote, and give it a pun-laden headline that almost always incorrectly summarizes the content. So, for example, Tom Hanks might tell reporters at a movie premiere that he was late to the event because he was stuck in traffic and they'll dress it up like this:

Life in the Slow Lane for Hanks? Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks almost missed the LA premiere of The Golden Compass last night, blaming traffic conditions. Some had speculated that the star of Forrest Gump and The Green Mile might not make it to the event, but Hanks ultimately showed. "Sorry, I was stuck in traffic," Hanks told reporters as fans looked on from behind the velvet rope. Hanks was accompanied to the event by his wife Rita Wilson.

But lately, it seems there's a new Starpulse in town. They're trying to feature more in-depth articles, and, bless their hearts, the results are adorable. No, wait. Not adorable. I mean maddeningly inept. Like this latest gem: a feature they like to call

They're Related?! Please note that the question mark and exclamation mark are Starpulse's, not mine. The average English-speaking reader would be expecting an article about secret or unknown family relationships between people in Hollywood. Something to justify the use of such wacky punctuation. Right? I'm sorry, I mean Right?! But that's where you'd be so very wrong. Because I shit you not, these are the three secret Hollywood relations that Starpulse has uncovered: