Star Wars, Episode VII: The Crappy TV Show

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... ...you respected George Lucas. Just when you thought he had finished defiling your cherished memories, the Star Wars creator (and destroyer) announced yesterday that he plans to exhume those memories, rip their heads off, and take a dump down their necks:

George Lucas is planning a live-action television series spinoff of the "Star Wars" film franchise... which will not include the films' major characters. "The Skywalkers aren't in it, and it's about minor characters," Lucas told the Times on Tuesday.

I know what you're thinking: haven't there already been several awesome Star Wars adaptations on the small screen? Who could forget the epic

Ewoks: Battle for Endor (starring Wilford Brimley, no less), or the classic Ewoks cartoon (with perhaps the best theme music ever to come out of the entire franchise), to say nothing of the utter majesty that was The Star Wars Holiday Special? But apparently Almighty George isn't content to rest on those sturdy laurels. So on the off-chance that he's still open to suggestions about this minor-character-driven show, and in gratitude for the good times we once shared before he blew it all to hell, I'd like to offer the following show ideas, absolutely free: Catching Up with the Fetts $25,000 Jedi Mind-Trick Pyramid Womprat Manor Are You Smarter than a Tauntaun? Mos Eisley Vice Akbar, P.I. America's Next Top Jawa Who Wants to Marry Han Solo's Cousin's Ex-Girlfriend? The Real Housewives of Ice Planet Hoth Droid Eye for the Carbonite Guy Hermi Odle Can't Lose Kick Jar-Jar in the Nuts for Fifty Bucks Sand People Say the Darndest Things! ....and of course: Star Wars: The Next Generation

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