Hmmm. That doesn't sound like the Old Gods at all. That's a New God thing.
They like howling?
That's what their market testing said would do well. Damn. They must have been behind this the whole time. They're probably mad that you haven't heard about them.
ooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooh yup oooooooOOoooh
Sorry, can we back up a bit and establish where all these Gods came from?
Look, it's simple. We had the Old Gods. But then people stopped believing in them, so their power faded away.
Isn't that the exact plot of Elf?
No. Anyway, this allowed the New Gods to acquire a controlling share of celestial power in a hostile takeover. They're busy reorganizing the whole Pantheon as we speak.
And that's The Secret Of My Success.
Fine. So what do I do?
OK, you're going to need to seize control of the Heavens yourself, using a scheme.
It's so obvious when you put it like that.
And how do I do that?
What do people believe in these days?
No, no, no. Over the past few years or so, what do people really seem to believe in?
That we're living in a Golden Age of Television? Klout scores? Kale's hot right now.
Kale's fading, actually. But you're close.
I ... I don't know. What do people believe in?
A bunch of stupid bullshit.
So here's what you do. You become a font of stupid bullshit. The sudden influx of human faith in you will bend the fabric of the universe toward you, enabling you to thrust the New Gods from their corrupted perch and reinstall the Old Gods.
And how do I do that?
What's the stupidest thing you can think of?
Eating ham causes knee loss.
Perfect. Post that on Facebook. The Internet will do the rest.
Come up with a couple more of those, and you'll be there.
Seven doesn't exist! Science is the oldest type of hat! People should be shamed for seeing dogs!
HOW DARE YOU CAST YOUR GAZE UPON A DOG?
I feel more powerful already.
You should. Now, by clenching your new God muscles -- it feels a lot like holding in a shit/candle -- you will announce yourself on the Heavenly stage.
Is this really how Gods are made ... oh no. Poop jokes. Self-injury. Spouting stupid bullshit. This isn't how Gods are made. This is how disembodied advice-giving voices are made!
You set this whole thing up? Do you need a replacement? Are ... are you dying?
I'm dying. Quickly now. Seize the mantle of power.
I've got it! Oh God, it's so mantley!
It is quite mantley.
What are you dying from?
Nothing. Nothing at all. I just needed to get someone else's fingerprints on the mantle of power.
What? Wait. What's that sound. Is that ... a chariot?
It sure sounds like it.
WHICH SMALL-MINDED BEING HAS BEEN MISUSING THE MANTLE OF POWER?
It's the Oldest of the Old Gods. Kevin.
What does he want?
I SEEK THE KNOWING OF WHO SET FIRE TO THAT COW.
YOU, WITH THE SMALL CIRCLE OF CANDLES, THE ON-FIRE KITCHEN, AND THE FINGERPRINTS ON THE MANTLE OF POWER, ARE CLEARLY GUILTY.
Anyway, thanks for your help, and congratulations on completing this advice guide! You've now no longer angered the Old Gods. You've disappointed them. Should you require any further help, please consult our guide, So You've Been Sent To Time Out For 1,000 Eternities.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has been one for at least a couple eternities. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For the flip-side of this age old dilemma you need to read So A Primitive Tribe Thinks You're A God and learn how WWII fighter jets blew an isolated civilization's collective minds in The 6 Strangest Ways Anyone Was Ever Mistaken For A God.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see the angry gods unleash their wrath in The Embarrassing Aftermath of the Mayan Apocalypse, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
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