Put Cage in a Cage, and This Week in Hating Hannah Montana

A whole lot of things in this world don't make sense to me. I don't know why we can't accurately predict the weather yet, I'm not totally sure how microwaves work, Calculus has always been somewhat of a weakness. The Vagina can be pretty tricky if you catch it on a bad day. But of all the things in this world that I don't completely understand, nothing is quite as confusing as the continuing career of actor/forehead-monster Nicolas Cage, . I mean, the guy's got six movies coming out in the next two years despite the fact that he's fairly talent-less, incredibly unattractive and remarkably unlikable. Sure, he's Francis Ford Coppola's son or nephew or whatever, but that shouldn’t mean he gets to be Ghost Rider, right? Right!? There is no justice in this world. Well, despite what some Cracked Bloggers might lead you to believe, there

is some justice in this world as, earlier this week, Nicolas “The White Wesley Snipes” Cage was accused of tax fraud. Apparently, he used his production company to "wrongly write off $3.3 million in personal expenses" and, a few years before that, "made a shitty movie about face-swapping.” In an effort to let the “actor” clear the air and reveal his side of the story, I drove past Cage’s house early this morning and pooped in his mailbox. Will he go to jail? Or will he, like Mr. Snipes, beat the charges and make a Bowflex commercial? Time will tell. Stay tuned after the jump for everyone's favorite segment....

This Week in Hating Hannah Montana

Apparently, there was some huge toy festival or something the other day wherein the toys for the next toy season (?) were revealed and, as if we needed another sign of the apocalypse, there were Hannah Montana cut outs and posters everywhere. Evidently, that bitch who plays Hannah Montana, (the Disney Channel’s answer to the Hypno Toad), is so successful that every toy company on the planet is trying to latch on to her. That’s disturbing in and of itself, but that’s not the worst of it. Co-Owner of toy company Brand New, Kelly Faso says “there hasn't been anything like Hannah Montana in a long time. They're comparing her phenomenon to the Beatles.” The Beatles. The Beatles, people. Did you hear that, Gladstone? Hannah Montana is the new motherfucking Beatles. Do you all understand what that means? History will remember America circa 2008 as unanimously in favor of keeping Hannah Montana alive. Future generations are going to look back at the early 2000’s as Montanamania. Decades from now when VH1 airs “I Loved The 00’s,” all they’re going to remember about us is this shrieking-harlot-turned-billionaire and her stupid TV show about bullshit. Pretty soon, Hannah Montana will be taught in all of our schools and one of her hit songs, (“I Wanna Eat Your Baby ”…I’m sorry, I don’t actually know any of her songs), will replace our National Anthem. Are you gonna sit back and let that happen? People, I don’t want to have to say this again: We need to shave Hannah Montana’s head and bury her twelve feet underground. I’m just saying what everyone’s thinking. To remind you why ELSE your supposed to hate Hannah Montana, I’ve listed some of my favorite totally true Hannah Montana facts from a few weeks ago:
“Hannah Montana’s only regret is that she is too young to have helped Hitler to fulfill his final solution. Hannah Montana re-edited Jabba the Hut into the original Star Wars. Hannah Montana force fed Heath Ledger all those pills. Hannah Montana bombed Pearl Harbor Hannah Montana invented the laugh track.” -Neil
“Hannah Montana plays softball with kittens.” -Captain Ross
“Hannah Montana made Godfather 3 and Gigli.” -LoganB
“If you play a Hanna Montana record backwards it says, ‘Hey thunder thighs, smoking crack is great for losing weight.’ It also says, ‘I killed JonBenet'.” -ibh
“Hannah Montana shits on the Constitution and then wipes her ass with the Declaration of Independence.” -Vimmy
“Hannah Montana is an expensive hat.” -Gladstone